


Home

by AuroraLynne, Sourlander



Series: Unknown Limits [7]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, Star Wars - Freeform, Stormpilot, X-Wing, poefinn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-07-19 21:27:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 68,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7378009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuroraLynne/pseuds/AuroraLynne, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sourlander/pseuds/Sourlander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wanted to sleep. But it seemed impossible with the bed next to him empty. The very spot where Finn should be. He felt an exasperated groan building up inside his throat. His mind kept racing for no apparent reason. </p><p>It has been seven years since the First Order was destroyed by the Resistance, but Poe Dameron has been unable to fully leave this war behind. Not even Finn seems to be able to calm him down, when the nightmares of war keep him wide awake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Between Waking and Sleeping

**Author's Note:**

> A very big thank you goes out to my friend AuroraLynne, who keeps inspiring me with her wonderful drawings! She and I have come up with this system where she draws and I write, or vice versa. That's why I listed her as a co-author. OBRIGADA!
> 
> This stoy is a sequel to my story "The Pilot", but I think "Home" can be read by someone who hasn't read the first story yet. Enjoy!

His eyelids were unbelievably heavy. He felt his consciousness drifting slowly to the unknown darkness of sleep and being pulled back again. It wasn’t the rumbling sound of speeders outside the closed window that was keeping him awake or the soft rain pattering against the glass. The dim moonlight was stealing its way through the miniscule openings of his eyelids. Sighing he pulled the covers over his head. Sleeplessness had become unfamiliar. He had experienced it often enough during the war, when he was worried about a mission or the people he was in charge of or Finn. Especially Finn. Of course Finn had always been able to handle himself, but Poe had never been able to shake the feeling of dread whenever he had had to say goodbye to his companion. But that was over now. The First Order had been utterly destroyed and most of its followers integrated into the New Republic’s society. It hadn’t been an ideal solution but the thought of letting them start another military regime like before seemed impossible.

            None of that mattered now. He wanted to sleep. But it seemed impossible with the bed next to him empty. The very spot where Finn should be. He felt an exasperated groan building up inside his throat. His mind kept racing for no apparent reason. He thought about the flying lessons he had given today, about the prospect of his time off coming up, about what his father might say about the waste of money that new house on the outskirts of Hanna City was, about the new house itself, about the amount of space they’d have in comparison to the little flat they lived in now. He thought about what he would miss in the new house and what he was looking forward to. The quiet. The space. But this... this was too much. Too much space in a bed which he usually shared with someone else.

            Breathing heavily he sat up, his eyes wide open as he heard the person next door starting to hum.

            “Finn..., “ Poe croaked, his voice husky from averted sleep.

            The humming stopped and in the semi darkness Poe saw Finn’s head lean through the doorway. “I thought you were asleep,” Finn said with a grin.

            “With you tearing down the place? I don’t think so.” Poe smirked.

            “I’m not tearing down anything. I swear!” Finn disappeared again. “Go back to sleep. Tomorrow’s going to be a long day.”

            “Look who’s talking,” Poe mumbled and pushed the covers away completely. The floor underneath his feet was terribly cold, but that couldn’t be helped now.

            “What?!” Finn’s voice came from the living room.

            “Never mind.” Poe sighed and rested his head in his hands. For a moment he stayed like this, his mind racing from the sleep he was supposed to be getting, to Finn and the next day. He got up, when he realized that it was no use. He couldn’t fall asleep again. Not without Finn. He had never told this to Finn, but he didn’t really sleep well without his partner next to him. His feet shuffling over the floor he slowly made his way to the doorway. Beebee-Ate came to life as Poe passed him, but shut down again at a sign from Poe. Finn hadn’t even turned on the light so as not to wake Poe.

“What are you doing?” he asked unnecessarily when he spotted Finn amongst the moving boxes. Somehow Finn had managed to accumulate a lifetime’s worth of souvenirs and general clutter over the last five years and Poe hadn’t been able to bring himself to tell the other to stop. Finn had missed out on possessing things for so long, now that he had the time and opportunity to collect useless things like novelty mugs or miniature statues of places he had been to, he did. Poe still caught him occasionally just looking at the things he had accumulated over time.

            Finn was wearing a white shirt and a pair of comfortable sweatpants. The same things he had worn to bed. “What?” Finn said again, turning around with two mugs with pictures of landscapes on Naboo on them. It was a souvenir from their first vacation together after the war had ended and before Finn had started studying here in Hanna City. Finn caught Poe’s eyes and shrugged. “Just packing, I guess.”

            Shaking his head Poe approached him with outstretched hands and wrapped him in his arms. Finn’s body was unbelievably warm after packing things into boxes for what must have been hours. “Can’t you do that when we get back?” Poe asked quietly, his cheek pressed against Finn’s. He knew that Finn was terribly nervous about the upcoming day, but he also knew that Finn needed to calm down and get to bed if he wanted to survive the ceremony.

            “I could, but I want to do something now. I can’t seem to clear my head.”

            Poe nodded. “I know, babe,” he whispered trailing his lips along Finn’s jaw. “Come back to bed.”

            With a sigh Finn put his arms around Poe und shook his head slightly. “You only want me to stop making a racket.”

            “True,” Poe chuckled. “But I also want you to be wide awake tomorrow. You earned this.” He leaned back his head a little to look at Finn. He hadn’t really aged in the ten years they had been together, not as far as Poe could tell anyway, his eyes were the same and so were his lips and his hair was as short as ever.

            The corners of Finn’s mouth twitched, as he returned Poe’s gaze. “Thanks, but I know you’re only saying this, because you can’t sleep without me snoring next to you.”

            Poe’s eyes widened as he slapped Finn on the shoulder. “My dear man, you’re a bit full of yourself, aren’t you?”

            Finn laughed out loud and held Poe’s face tight in his hands. “Maybe I am, but that’s your fault,” he said jokingly but Poe knew that what Finn had said was partly true. Finn had had some problems getting used to being an individual in the beginning. It had however only taken Poe a couple of nudges in the right direction to persuade Finn to be his own man. Finn was confident enough and had felt out of place with the Stormtroopers anyway. Finn was loyal, brave and the most amazing person Poe had ever met but it had been Poe’s task to make Finn realize the last part about himself.

            Poe shook his head smilingly, pulling Finn’s body closer to his. “Stop talking and come to bed.”

            “I thought you wanted me to stop packing.” Finn’s lips brushed Poe’s suggestively and Poe couldn’t hold back a sigh of pleasure and longing at the same time.

            “Will you-“ Poe pressed his lips against Finn’s lightly biting down on Finn’s lower lip, “-please-“ his tongue traced the soft skin “-shut-“ Before he could finish the sentence Finn had grabbed him by the hair and pulled their faces together.

            The sound of thunder rolled over the city as Finn let one of his hands glide down Poe’s back.

            Grinning against Finn’s lips Poe buried his hands in Finn’s shirt and signalled to the other that he wanted it off. With an exasperated sigh Finn let go of him and reached for the hem of his shirt. Poe only got one second to marvel at the beauty of Finn’s upper body, before his eyes fell shut again as Finn wrapped his arms around him, trailing kisses along his jaw. “Come on, let’s move this to the bedroom.”

            Laughing lightly against Finn’s lips Poe hooked his index finger into Finn’s shorts and pulled away. “You’re sure? It might tire you out and who will finish the packing then?” Poe didn’t have to look to know that Finn was already longing for him. He himself didn’t feel any different. It had never taken them long to get to this point.

            His eyes burning, he watched as Finn shook his head and he felt Finn’s warm fingers on his bare skin, which sent a pleasant shiver down his spine. “That’s what you want, isn’t it? For me to make love to you, fall asleep next to you so you can get some rest?” Finn raised his eyebrows and Poe felt a lump forming in his throat. He didn’t even blink as he nodded slowly.

            “Yeah,” he croaked. “Why not?”

            Finn shrugged. “Yeah,” he answered. “Why the hell not.”

            With deliberate slowness he pushed Poe backwards, not taking his eyes off him for even a second and Poe followed Finn’s every move more than willingly. His pyjama pants already seemed to be too tight on him and he was desperate for this. For Finn. He always was and he knew that it was no different for Finn.

 

His limbs felt like they were made of lead. Finn’s chest beneath his cheek moved slowly up and down und Poe heard every single beat of his heart. A gently snore was everything it took for Poe’s eyelids to fall shut. Finn only ever snored once. His breathing was steady and rhythmic beneath Poe’s head and Poe shifted slightly so it rested on Finn’s bare shoulder. Finn’s feet had already grown cold, but he hadn’t seemed to realize it. Poe wriggled his own foot between Finn’s to provide some warmth. Finn’s feet were always cold and he complained about it every time he went to bed, only seeming to forget about the coldness in his extremities after sex since he tended to fall asleep immediately afterwards.

This was how it was supposed to be. Finn next to him, his heartbeat the only sound in his ear. It even drowned out the sound of rain gently patting against the window. The thunder had fallen silent some time ago.

Wrapping his arms more tightly around Finn’s body, Poe finally felt the heaviness of sleep envelop his mind as well as his body, which grew comfortably warm and Finn’s steady breathing drowned out the rest of the galaxy.

 

_Poe laughed like he hadn’t laughed in months, maybe even years. Anyone else would have been offended had he laughed at them like this, but not him. Not the man dancing in the middle of the room with his arms raised high above his head, his feet stomping on the floor, while banging his head to the rhythm of the music blaring from the speakers like a maniac. His red hair was flying in all directions, as he tried to sing along to the lyrics in a language he didn’t even speak and stopping as the music slowed down. Only now did Poe approach his husband, who opened his eyes and looked at him, his hair now sticking to his sweaty forehead._

_Morap Bendar’s smile stretched not only to his dark brown eyes, making them sparkle like stars, but it seemed to envelop the entire rest of the room. It was as radiant as the suns of Tatooine, almost blinding, but not quite. It only blinded Poe to the rest of the universe. It always had, really. Ever since they had met for the first time so many years ago._

_Poe’s breath caught in his throat when Morap grabbed his hand, pulling him close. Morap’s fingers were as cold as ice on his skin. A ghost’s touch._

_The unseen audience, their wedding guests, cheered. Poe could even make out Iolo’s characteristic wolf whistling. But this time, for the first time ever, it sent a shiver down his spine. Poe felt their eyes on them. Their looks made his throat tighten._

_He couldn’t take his eyes off Morap, who was still grinning. “Hey...” Morap’s voice was soft, but somehow distant at the same time. As if it was only reaching him through a thick, almost impenetrable fog. But it had been like this for a long time. Forever even, hadn’t it?_

_“Hey...”, said Poe, brushing his free hand through Morap’s glorious thick hair. Morap’s breath on his lips was as cold as the touch of his hand, but it drowned out the voices of the people he couldn’t see anyway. “Your dancing is absolutely ridiculous, babe.”_

_“Are you making fun of me?”_

_“Absolutely.” Poe grinned, despite himself. Morap was dead. He knew that. All of a sudden he knew and his heart leapt at the thought of getting to hold him anyway, to be allowed to touch his hair, look into his eyes. “I’m allowed to, aren’t I?”_

_And then, all of a sudden, everything grew quiet. Suffocating._

_Morap froze._

_Poe saw the flash of light. Saw the fireball and knew that he had lost Morap forever. Morap’s X-Wing had been hit by an ion cannon, rendering the starfighter immobile in the middle of an asteroid field. Poe had seen it, had felt the numbness spreading through his limbs, making it impossible for him to act._

_Morap's lips grew thinner as his face did, erasing all traces of a long ago broken nose._ _Poe felt a gloved hand on his throat, felt the other’s breath hot on his cheek and was unable to move. He was strapped to a chair, the bindings tight on his wrists and ankles. They were the only things able to keep him in an upright position at this point. This was worse. Worse than anything Kylo Ren had put him through._

_“Well, Dameron... I’ve got a couple of questions for you.”_

_He was back. Back in that room. Back with Meelan. Back with Morap’s brother. He knew the drill. Knew what was coming. Knew that he wouldn’t get out of this. His breath came in gasps. Already he could feel the tingling in his fingertips, the slight vibrations moving up his arms. But the worst thing of all was that smile. That smile on Meelan Bendar’s face. “That’s what I thought,” Poe said, trying desperately to keep his voice as steady as possible. “But you took your time. This place is starting to feel like home.”_

_“We’ll take care of that, don’t worry.” Bendar’s lips formed a smile, deforming the face so similar to Morap’s._

_Poe screamed, before it had even started._ Get me out of this! Get me out!

_But nothing happened. He was trapped. Trapped in this place. Trapped with Bendar._

Poe woke with a start, barely able to contain the scream climbing up his throat. He bit on his hand to hold back any sound that would wake Finn. He tasted sweat on his skin. Though this happened all too frequently, after ten years, Poe was still unable to shake the dream.Trembling from head to foot he moved away from Finn, who was still sleeping, and got up. At least his legs were willing to support him on his way to the bathroom.

            With shaking hands he threw cold water into his face, trying desperately to clear his head. He had this dream on a regular basis. He couldn’t name the trigger for it, it just happened and it always left him in this state.

            He felt the bile rise in his throat and before he knew it he was throwing up into the toilet. His legs had given way as the shivers of pain still echoing through his entire body sent him to the floor. Now he could only hope that he hadn’t woken up Finn.

            He wiped his mouth and flushed the toilet, then he closed his eyes. Why? Why, after all this time, couldn’t he just let it go? Why did he still dream of the time he had spent as Bendar’s prisoner aboard the _Vanquisher._ Ten years! It had been ten years! Bendar had tried and finally succeeded in extracting information about the Resistance from him. Only now did Poe know that the physical pain Bendar had caused him had not been the tool which had finally broken him. It had been the man’s similarity to his brother Morap.

            Morap and Poe had been together for years before Morap had been blown to bits in that asteroid field, leaving Poe behind. Shattered. Poe had never been able to get Morap to talk about his family. His past. Only when he had met Meelan Bendar had he finally understood why Morap had been unwilling to tell him. Morap had run away from the First Order, had become a refugee in the New Republic, leaving his brother behind. The very same brother who had tortured Poe and then released him. Meelan Bendar’s face had been the real torture. The real reason why Poe had given in, was that he couldn’t bear to see that cold smile and those unforgiving eyes. Not on the face he had once loved, as he screamed in agony.

            Poe got up again, turned on the tap and let the icy water run over his wrists. His breath was coming in gasps, while his heart was hammering wildly in his chest like it wanted to break free. Looking up into the mirror he saw dark circles beneath his eyes, saw the droplets of water sticking to his face. His hair had gone grey in a couple of places over the last decade. He didn’t mind, neither did Finn, but to him it felt like a constant reminder of Bendar. He had spotted the first grey hair after he had escaped from the Order. Still he couldn’t bring himself to dye it. It would just appear to others like a sign of vanity and he couldn’t bear that. Couldn’t bear the questioning looks other people were sure to throw his way once he started altering his appearance. He didn’t want to explain how the graying hair reminded him of those nightmares every day of his life. Of how it kept the memory of those days of being forced to remember his dead lover, in the most excruciating way possible, alive.

            Sighing he turned the tap off again and buried his face in his hands. It had been so long.. would he ever be free? Would he ever be able to forget Bendar? Probably not. Just like he’d never be able to forget Morap, who had been the first person he had ever fallen in love with. He knew that, had Morap never died, he wouldn’t be with Finn now. Shivering from head to foot Poe tried to push the thought aside. Of course he would still be with Morap, he wouldn’t have glanced twice at Finn, but after Morap’s death things had changed! Drastically. Poe had thought he’d never love again, had sworn to himself to never get himself into this situation again. But it had happened. He was happy. Happy to be with Finn. Happy, because he had never thought he’d feel so comfortable around another person after Morap. And maybe that was it. Guilt. Maybe he felt guilty for being with Finn. Guilty at the same time for remembering Morap. And that was probably also why he had never, not once, told Finn about these nightmares.

 


	2. Business

The sun had set hours ago, but he could still see the Askija’s tail glowing green and blue in the dark, weaving through clouds invisible to him. His wife never grew tired of drawing them, especially this one, which had started circling the base days before and which returned almost every year. These graceful birdlike creatures with their long scaly tails and feathery wings never ceased to amaze her. How often had he just sat there, watching her draw sketches of them against a backdrop of mountains and high zetto trees. She was very fond of this planet, he knew, and for that alone he was happy to have chosen 01-NF-OO as his operation’s base. If she liked it here then life was that much easier.

            He leaned back in his chair and watched the Askija glide through the air, watched its long tail float along behind it and remembered her drawings of the animal. The feathery wings, the pointed nose and those huge sparkling eyes. Of course he knew why his wife liked them. Why she loved how they glided through the air as if they weighed nothing. She loved beauty. Beauty beyond everything. And Askijas, in her opinion, which came in so many different colours and which stored the planet’s silvery white sunlight within their tail scales during the night, were the embodiment of beauty. It was a miracle, he thought, that she appeared to love him.

            The short haired female standing in the doorway straightened up as he turned to look at her. Her stark white hair was immediately recognizable wherever she went. As she approached, his eyes fell, not for the first time, on the tattoo creeping out from underneath her collar, winding its way up her neck. He hated it, but she had joined his organization recently and therefore there was really nothing he could do about her appearance. Like so many others, she just didn't have the proper upbringing, but that was something he had learned to live with. Adapting to their new life hadn’t come easy to him. It could still be frustrating. This was not how it should be, he knew, but he had to do the best he could with what he had. Still he could not resist making her wait.

            He swivelled around in his chair so he was facing her. “Please, do come in, Lieutenant.” He didn’t even know her name, but that didn’t matter. Not yet anyway. If she indeed managed to make her way up the ranks, then he’d bother learning her name.

            Hesitantly she walked towards him, and from the way her fingers twitched, as if she were unsure of where to put them, he concluded that her promotion to Lieutenant had to have been a new development. He had seen her, of course, during meetings and on other occasions on the base, but so far, he had never talked to her. She, apparently aware of the fact that now was her time to make a good impression, placed her hands behind her back, to stop them from moving about. Her head held high she looked down at him. “Sir.”

            With a gesture he offered her the chair on the other side of his desk. She was here for a briefing, he knew, and he hated having those with inexperienced officers. But of course she had to go through these things if she wanted to learn and improve herself.

            She looked down at the seat offered to her, apparently taken aback, but she tried not to show it. Her long face with the miniscule nose, thin mouth and huge, slightly asymetrical green eyes, was drained of all colour as she sat down on the edge of the seat, but she returned his gaze, her hands now resting on her thighs.

            “What do you have to report, Lieutenant.” It was no question. He had no need for questions, but he didn’t raise his voice, just kept looking at her. Calm. Authoritative. The way he had been taught to be in a situation like this. Absolutely sure that he was in control and always had been. He glanced at her tattoos again, but fixated instead on her eyes. It was no use ordering her to have that tattoo removed. There were so many people like her in his organization. A thing like this would have been unthinkable seven years ago.

            “General,” she began and he folded his hands on the table top, looking at her even more intently. “The shipment from 30-KS-04 has arrived half an hour ago. It has been unloaded from the freighter and stored.” She paused for a moment, as if waiting for him to order her to continue.

            Humouring her he made another gesture, indicating to her that he wanted her to continue. Just a lazy wave of his hand. She was still very young, he remembered. Nervous in the presence of a superior. That was only understandable. He was a general, even though he had never been promoted to this rank by anyone. It had become more of a mask during the last couple of years, shielding his real name from the public, even though he had never really stopped using it. It was just what his people had started calling him. He had never stopped them, though. A title he had never earned it may be, but he couldn’t help himself but appreciate the fact they had given him that name. By now it might as well be his title. There was no more First Order. No more Empire. Just him and his organization.

            “The delayed shipment from 16-MG-85 has arrived as well.” She stopped again, and he realized that this was the main reason why she had been sent to him. Everything she had told him thus far could have easily been reported to him via comm. And sending her here for anything less than a real problem would have been a waste of resources. The Lieutenant wiped her hands on her trousers, an utterly unprofessional gesture, and balled her hands into fists. She took a deep, shuddering breath, but when she spoke again her voice was steady. “But the delivery was much smaller than anticipated. Only twenty percent of what was asked of them.”

            The General returned her gaze with a stern expression on his face. The workers on 16-MG-85, the designation they had given the planet the better to cover up their doings in their records, hadn’t delivered the quota required of them in months, but twenty percent was a new low.

            “We are holding the man who piloted the ship for questioning, Sir.” She let out an almost inaudible sigh. She was done.

            He had to restrain himself from banging his fist on the table. The fact that the people from 16-MG-85 had not delivered as much as they should have, had not been a problem so far. They had other contractors. Other agents. But the lack of respect this miniscule delivery entailed in his eyes, made him angry. The General closed his eyes for a moment and then slowly got up from his chair.

            “Has he been questioned yet?”, he asked, his voice cool and distant. He pulled up his gloves as he had always done shortly before getting to work. It was time to act. Now.

            “No, Sir. Captain Kayla is awaiting your orders.”

            He nodded and threw another look out the window. The Askija was still slowly circling up in the air. So very far away. So distant. So far apart from everything going on in the galaxy. “Take me to her.” Taking another last look at the birdlike creature, he followed the Lieutenant out into the shabby but clean corridor.

The base had been used by smugglers before he and his organization had managed to drive them out. It had been a bloodbath, but worth it. The planet was situated on the very edge of the galaxy on the Outer Rim. It was far enough away from the Republic so as not to draw attention to themselves and close enough to it at the same time in order to be able to build up their operation. It was not as pristine, nor as orderly as he had hoped it would be, but it worked. A sanctuary for all those who didn’t to spend  their lives emerged in the chaos that was the Republic.

Their steps echoed in the empty hallways on their way to the holding cells, which were situated at the most Northern part of the complex, directly adjacent to the rock of the mountain this base had been built into. He walked in front of her, fully aware that of the fact that her eyes were fixed on his back, while she was trying to imitate him. Maybe, one day, once she got used to their ways here, she’d make a fine officer. When they reached the detention block, the General’s eyes fell on the soldiers stationed at the entrance. At a nod from him one of them waved his hand in front of the sensor, opening the door.

“He’s in cell forty-three, Sir,” she said.

The General turned around to face her. “Very well... You’re dismissed.”

She nodded, relief flooding her face, and with a jerk she turned around, heading away from the detention block as quickly as she could. Maybe he was wrong about her after all.

The cell the prisoner was being held in was on the far end of the narrow, low ceilinged corridor. The General felt the drop in temperature the closer he got to the cell. They only heated the detention block as much as necessary, being able to control the temperature of the individual cells in case they were occupied. This didn’t happen particularly often. They didn’t get a lot of visitors here. Captain Kayla, a dark haired woman, about twenty years his junior, was waiting for him in front of the prisoner’s cell.

“General!” She stood up straight. She had been one of the last graduates from the Academy, not top of her class, not by far, but that didn’t matter under their new circumstances. She had been so young when the ship they had both been on, had been destroyed by the Republic and with it the last remnants of the First Order’s military. All gone within a couple of months. Only few had remained free of the Republic’s influence and somehow the General had managed to surround himself with those willing to build a life for themselves. To live the way they had always known it to be best. Apart from the chaos that was democracy. Kayla had been among the first to join him. Of course they were nowhere close to the First Order in size, neither in funds or equipment, but they had made it work so far, though he was sure that the First Order’s founders would be ashamed of the pitiful state the remnants of their once so promising regime were in now.

“Open the door, Captain.”

Without another word Kayla waved her hand in front of the sensor, just like the guard had done at the entrance to the detention block, authorizing the door to slide open. The smell of stale air immediately filled his nostrils. The air conditioning could not have been turned on all that long ago. At least it was considerably warmer in here than it was in the corridor.

The General’s eyes immediately fell on the prisoner, who was standing with his back to the wall at the far end of the small room, his arms fixated to the concrete ceiling by out of date shackles on adjustable chains. His feet were bound to the floor by a similar contraption. As the General entered, the man threw him a vicious look, full of resentment, his eyes gleaming in the flickering light. The dark eyes were probably the most prominent feature in the man’s face and they made the General stop in his tracks as he remembered how often he had done this. How many times he had gone through a situation like this. Never caring. Always on top of things. Even in situations that might have been painful to a younger version to himself. Those eyes made him freeze. They were so much like eyes into which he had looked before. Not in shape or colour exactly, but in the way they stared at him. The way they seemed to tell him that he would never break them. Never.

That other prisoner had been wrong as well.

This one did not speak as he faced the man standing in front of him, much unlike the other one, which had been brave enough to talk back at him even after days of isolation.

The General pulled up his gloves. This was it. Time to act. Other people might be able to do what he was about to do, but he wanted this. He wanted these information and he wanted them now. The man’s eyes made him want the latter even more. “Where is my shipment?” He raised his eyes, looking directly at the man in chains. He already knew the answer. They didn’t have it. No... _most likely_ they didn’t have it. Most likely. He had to find out though. Make sure. Wasting resources was out of the question.

“We don’t have it”. The man shook his head. The General didn’t know _his_ name either and the name was of no importance. “What we brought you is all we had.”

His fist connected with the prisoner’s jaw with a satisfying crunching sound. “Liar.” He knew how to do this. He had not forgotten a single thing.

The man in front of him didn’t lose his footing, just got thrown to the right, his arms straining under the body’s weight. Gasping for breath the man shook his head. “No,” he said. “We sent you all we had.” Just a repetition. Nothing more.

The General threw a look over his shoulder. “Turn up the light, Captain. I’m going to need to see what I’m doing here.” He turned back to the prisoner, who still had that defiant look about him. “This might take a while.”

 

It took hours and he was out of breath by the time he finished with the prisoner. There were no information to gain from him. None at all. He had wasted his energy and his time. Taking a step back he surveyed the man hanging in chains in front of him, his face bloody and unconscious. If he left him in this situation the prisoner was sure to suffocate, killed by the weight of his own body.

            “Captain...” The General turned around, not sparing another look at the person he had spent his entire evening working on to no great avail.

            Kayla was still standing next to the door, not having spoken a word during the entire process. She knew her place. Knew what to do and what not to do. The General was grateful to have a soldier like her under his command. Once addressed she now looked her superior directly in the face. “Sir?”

            “Remove his restraints.” With a disgusted look on his face the General removed the bloody gloves. Before he could figure out what to do with them, Kayla had stretched out a hand, offering to take them. Nodding slightly the General handed them over. “Get the cameras ready. You know what to do with him.” Ignoring the retching sound coming from the nameless man behind him the General turned towards the sink, washing his hands under the stream of icy water. He would need soap to feel properly clean again, but for now this was good enough. From the corner of his eye he saw Kayla nodding. Every execution was recorded for prosperity’s sake. Moreover, especially in a case like this, it could be used as intimidation if the need arose.

            “Yes, Sir.” Kayla didn’t hesitate for a single moment. She strode past the General, towards the prisoner, whose body slammed to the floor after a few seconds.

            “See to it, that Xato, Tott and Hacka are in my office first thing tomorrow moring. We need to discuss further steps concerning our current lack of resources.” The General didn’t turn around to look at the creature sprawled on the floor now and moaning in protest.

“Yes, Sir.”

Determined to bring as much space between him and this enormous waste of time the General left the room. There would be more to worry about. More to plan the next day, which was only a couple of hours away. He didn’t pay attention to his surroundings. It was very late. His wife and son were most likely in bed by now. Quickening his steps, when he left the detention block, he headed straight towards the southern part of the complex, where the officers’ apartments were situated.

When he had finally reached his quarters, after walking through seemingly endless corridors, occasionally patrolled by young cadets of his organization, he paused for a moment. The shiny metal of the door showed him his reflection. The past seven years had taken its toll. His reddish hair had gone grey, his eyes were lined. Both were to be expected of a man in his late forties, he thought, but that didn’t have to mean that he liked it. He had grown older without ever redeeming himself. He had never gotten a chance to live up to his mother’s expectations, of making a name of himself within the Order. The Order had been shattered before he had gotten a chance to do that. What he had now was so different from what could have been, but he knew that he had done his best. Opening the door his eyes fell immediately on the door behind which his nine year old son would be sleeping now. The boy whom he had named after his long dead brother in a spur of sentiment. His brother who had betrayed the First Order and run off to join the Republic. His brother had not been a coward, that much he knew, but he had been a fool. Morap, he thought, may very well be one of the few weaknesses he had ever permitted himself and it had nearly cost him all he had, when he had let the traitor’s former lover go.

As quietly as he could the General approached his son’s door and pushed it open a crack. It took him a moment to spot the sleeping boy underneath the blankets striped with green and blue. The brown hair had fallen into his eyes and the lips were slightly parted. With a small smile on his lips he closed the door again and proceeded to his own bedroom.

His wife was already asleep, just as he had thought. Bending over he picked up the drawings she had put on the floor next to her side of the bed before falling asleep. By the dim light issuing through the window he saw that she had drawn the Askija. Of course she had. Nataleeh Bendar never grew tired of drawing them.

Putting the drawings on her nightstand he stepped towards the window again. Looking out at the valley stretching out far beneath the complex. The mountains surrounding them glistened in the light of the stars. From where he stood he could not see the training field or the hangar. Just the landscape. The wide river sparkling like a mirror, reflecting the Askija’s softly shimmering tail. It had grown more dim already. Soon its scales would cease to shine and day would break.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now you've met my/our bad guy ;) If you're interested in his background story, I'd recommend "Blown Fuse" and "Shape in the Shadows" by Sourlander. But you don't need to read any of those stories to understand what's going on! Promise!
> 
> Please let me/us know what you think!


	3. The End of an Era

** Chapter 3 **

**The End of an Era**

 

“She said, she’d be here.”

            “I know, buddy. Give her some time.”

            “She’s never late.”

            “Relax.”

            Finn was nervous. As nervous as Poe had barely ever seen him. Not only because of the ceremony about to take place, not because of the hundreds of people gathered in the university’s foyer, but because Rey hadn’t shown up yet. Taking a deep breath, Finn wiped his hands on his trouser legs.

            Shaking his head slightly, Poe took Finn’s hands into his. “Why are you so nervous? You’ve seen her thousands of times...” He managed a smile. “Should I be worried?”

Finn’s eyes widened in shock and his fingers tightened around Poe’s. “Shut up!” He didn’t sound angry, but he was frowning. “You know it’s not that...” For a moment Finn looked like he was going to let go of Poe’s hands and Poe wanted nothing more than to keep holding Finn even tighter. Of course he knew why. Of course he knew why Finn felt awkward around Rey these days and how much Finn hated the distance between them. Their friendship had not diminished, but it had changed and Finn felt like he owed Rey. Like he owed her for letting her down. But he hadn’t, not in Poe’s book anyway. Finn had made a choice. A choice, which Poe had found curious beyond anything.

            During the war, during the last months of battle with the First Order, when they had visited Poe’s father for the first time, he had caught Finn levitating a rock in the air, when Finn had thought he was fast asleep.  Poe could still remember it as if it were yesterday. The clearing in the forest behind his family home. His head resting in Finn’s lap, still recovering from the weeks he had spent as the Order’s prisoner. He had felt so safe. So sure of what he had with Finn. So warm and relaxed. Secure, even after all he had been through with Bendar. For a moment he had drifted off, half dreaming of the time he would still get to spend with Finn and his father before he had to return to the front. And then he had opened his eyes. He had seen the concentrated look on Finn’s face and then the rock, as black as coal, twirling in the air. He had felt his heart miss a beat and then Finn had realized that Poe was awake and the rock had fallen to the ground with muffled sound.

            To this day Poe didn’t understand why Finn hadn’t wanted to pursue Force training, but he had stopped asking questions. Finn had his reasons for not wanting to get involved with Jedi and considering the history Finn had with Kylo Ren, that was not surprising at all. Poe himself had felt rather cautious around Finn for the first couple of weeks after his discovery, but had learned to accept Finn the way he was. Finn was not going to invade his mind. Not only because he had never followed the path offered to him by Luke Skywalker, but also because Poe knew that Finn respected his privacy. That Finn would let him keep his secrets until Poe felt ready to share them.

            “Finn,” he said quietly, grabbing Finn by the collar and pulling him closer. “You know she’s not angry with you. You’ve been close even though you ended up here and not at Jed-“ Finn cut him off by putting a finger to Poe’s lips, who knew immediately that Finn thought they could be overheard. He kissed Finn’s fingertip and then grabbed his hand to lower it.  “-there with her. Studying...” Smiling slightly he shook his head. Rey was training with Skywalker and a couple of other Force-sensitives they had assembled once the war had ended. Poe couldn’t help but admire Skywalker’s courage to start all over again for a second time. Maybe Rey’s presence had given him the boost of confidence he so desperately needed after what the Knights of Ren had done to his previous students. “You’re doing great where you are right now, Finn. She knows that.”

            Finn’s eyes softened, their deep brown as warm as ever and Poe felt a sudden rush of affection for his partner. If they hadn’t been in the middle of a crowd, he’d have pulled him even closer, pressed his lips to Finn’s until they had to part, gasping for breath. But this was neither the time nor the place for shows of affection like this. From the corner of his eye he saw people shuffling past them, towards the auditorium, where Finn and the other graduates would receive their diploma in a couple of minutes.

            “I should probably go.” Finn threw a look over his shoulder. Where only a couple of minutes ago there had been hundreds of sentient beings, graduates with their friends and families,  there were only a couple of dozen left.

            “Yeah, you should,” smiled Poe. “See you afterwards. I’ll be right here waiting for you.”

            Nodding Finn grabbed the back of Poe’s head, pulled him close and kissed him. Laughing against Finn’s lips Poe allowed himself to be enveloped in this one precious moment, before pushing Finn away. “Go on, you idiot. I don’t want to be the reason you miss your own ceremony.”

            Finn beamed at him. “You’re the idiot, Poe Dameron. You know that.”

            Before Poe could reply Finn had straightened his jacket and, after winking at Poe one last time, had turned around heading for the door to the huge auditorium. With a small twinge in the pit of his stomach, Poe let his eyes follow his partner. The shoulders weren’t as broad as they used to be, Finn’s frame was a whole lot smaller, than it had been when they had first met. Of course, that was to be expected. Finn wasn’t a Stormtrooper anymore, neither was he a soldier and Poe was glad about both. Grateful even. Finn had left military life behind, his only connection being Poe, who was serving the Republic’s navy again and all the friends they had both made in the Resistance. But Poe knew that Finn was better off, where he was now.

            After serving in the Resistance’s infirmaries during the war, Finn had turned to medical training. Now, seven years later, he was done. A fully trained doctor and Poe felt his heart swell with pride at the mere thought. Finn had come so very far after what he’d gone through as a soldier for the First Order. The conditioning, the uniformity, the sense of not belonging despite everything and recovering from all of that. By discovering his own individuality and accepting his own courage by being his own man.

            Slowly Poe followed the other people who had been waiting in the foyer into the auditorium, which was already packed with people. On his left Poe spotted a group of Bith looking for seats, on his right he saw a male Twi’Lek and a female human leaning against a wall, their eyes fixed on the hologram behind the speaker’s podium, displaying the university’s seal.

            “Poe!”

            Poe whirled around and before he knew what was happening he felt a body crash into his and someone’s arms wrapped around his neck. “Hello, Rey,” Poe laughed, returning the hug and letting out a sigh of relief, when she let go of him. “Finn thought you weren’t coming.”

            Rey waved him off. “Of course I’m here! It’s Finn!” She beamed up at him. She seemed to have grown since Poe had last seen her, even if it wasn’t in size. She was by no means the young girl he had met after the battle over Starkiller, but her smile had stayed the same.

            For a moment he took in her appearance. She seemed to radiate a sense of confidence, calm even. Her physical appearance had changed. She was more muscular by what Poe could tell from her sleeveless white top. And she seemed so strong. “How are you doing, kid?”, he asked smiling as the doors closed behind her.

            “Fine,” she said, wiping her forehead. She must have run here by the looks of it. Her cheeks were glowing. “You?”

            Images of another man in his arms, of the very same face sneering down at him, flashed before Poe’s eyes and made him feel sick again, but he pushed the memories of his nightmare far away from him. Now was not the time. Especially not when he might run the risk of a Jedi overhearing his thoughts. “I’m okay. Just a little nervous for Finn.”

            Rey returned his gaze with a furrowed brow and Poe felt like Rey might just be getting a sense of what he was concealing from her. He had become good at hiding it, when memories of his nightmares threatened to surface, but Rey might not be as easily deceived as most people. “Poe?”

            He shrugged, relieved, when the lights were dimmed, casting shadows over his and Rey’s faces. “Never mind,” he whispered and turned around to face the front, arms folded across his chest. From where he was standing he could look down over the rows and rows of guests and students facing the podium at the very bottom of the semi circle. His heart missed a beat when he spotted Finn looking up at him. This happened all the time, even after ten years together, whenever he caught Finn’s eye without meaning to, he felt like the love sick idiot he had been after their first kiss. Finn’s smile made him grin widely and he ignored the Cerean taking the podium and beginning his speech. Rey stepped forward, closer to him and when Finn recognized her presence, he waved at her, seemimgly relieved.

            Poe turned to look down at her for a moment. “Told you,” he whispered again, before facing the front again. Finn grinned again and looked back to the front, but Poe just couldn’t bring himself to take his eyes off Finn. Not now. Not when Finn had achieved so much. He felt Rey stir beside him, as if she wanted to say something, to continue their conversation, but she didn’t and Poe was grateful for that as well. To him Rey had always been a person, whose company he couldn’t help but enjoy and Finn, whenever he didn’t feel like he had let her down somehow, felt the same way. Poe was sure of that. However things had become complicated the moment Finn had decided to steer clear of the Jedi path and only because Finn didn’t want to let Rey down.

            Though Poe had always been aware of the Force, of the way it shaped the universe through people it connected to, he couldn’t help but feel resentment towards it. Of course there were the Jedi, who used the Force for the good of all, as far as Poe knew anyway, but his one encounter with a Force-user from the dark side had changed his perspective. Nowadays he felt uncomfortable even thinking about the Force. It made his head ache and his heart race, even if he knew that Rey was probably one of the people he could trust with almost anything. Still he couldn’t help but be relieved about the fact that he didn’t have to deal with a Jedi at home. Force-sensitive Finn might be, but he had stopped playing with his Jedi powers long ago, at least in front of Poe. Poe doubted that one could just turn off the connection one had with the Force.

            Poe sighed. All of this was just too damn complicated.

            The whole ceremony rushed by him. He couldn’t even concentrate on the speeches being made up on the podium. The drawl of professors and honour students made him dizzy with boredom, but he pulled through. Only when the time came for the students to receive their diploma did he snap back to attention. Rey at his side had assumed a posture of nerve wrecking calm, her face impassive when Poe looked at her for a short moment.

            “Mr Finn.”

            Poe’s heart beat faster as he saw Finn get up and step towards the podium. Finn looked tense, his smile not even barely concealing his nervousness, as he received the symbolic slip of paper.

 

 

            “Well done, Mr Finn!” Rey laughed, hugging Finn tightly, before Poe even got the chance to approach him.

            They were standing in the foyer again, which had been decorated during the ceremony, which had taken three hours. Night had fallen by now and the reception outside the auditorium was starting to turn into a party. Finn had just joined them, grinning and apparently relieved, with all the tension, which had built up over the last couple of months, gone.

            “Thanks, Rey.” Finn looked down at Rey, obviously happy to see her and it made Poe feel a bit better about this whole situation. It never took Finn long to feel more comfortable around Rey. The build-up towards meetings was the worst part for him.

            “May I?” Poe took a step closer towards the two of them. “I don’t want to interrupt a happy reunion, but I also really want to kiss Doctor Finn right now.”     

Rey let go of Finn and looked Poe up and down. “Go ahead then, Commander.”

Winking at her he pulled Finn close, wrapped an arm tightly around Finn’s neck and put his lips close to the other’s ear. “I’m so damn proud of you, Finn. You know that, right?” The pricking sensation in his eyes made him press his face against Finn’s shoulder as a sudden wave of emotion rolled over him.

“Yeah, I know.” Finn’s arms around him grabbed him even tighter. As Finn’s breath brushed through his hair Poe wiped his eyes on Finn’s jacket.

“I love you so much.” How far not only Finn had come. Both of them had achieved more than Poe would have thought possible. To survive the war alone had seemed impossible for a while. But they had pulled through. They were alive and healthy and Finn had achieved what he had been working for for seven years.

“Yeah, I know,” Finn repeated and gently pressed his lips to Poe’s cheek, wiping away the tear, which had broken free without Poe’s consent.

When Finn let him go, Poe kept his arm around Finn’s waist to steady himself. His knees felt weak and with all the laughter and people surrounding them he wanted nothing more than go home with Finn and celebrate in peace. But this was Finn’s night and Rey was here. No, this would all work out. Tonight would be fine.

“Are you okay?” Finn’s look of concern made him feel guilty about his wish to skip the party.

“I’m fine,” he answered.

Finn threw a look at Rey, who just shrugged. “So,” she said after a moment, changing the topic abruptly. “What are you up to now, that you’re a fully trained doctor?”

“I’ve got a job at a medical centre on the outskirts. Near our new place.” Finn put his arm around Poe’s shoulder. The weight felt good. Steadying somehow.

“Your new place? You’re moving?”

Finn nodded. Hadn’t he told her yet? Poe wondered how long it had been since Finn and Rey had talked. Poe had never asked, but this felt weird. He and Finn had bought the house two months ago, how had Finn not told Rey about it? And why? Had he just sent Rey a written invitation to his graduation? Poe had no idea. And why had Finn invited her, if he hadn’t talked to her in ages?

“We bought a small house, or rather...Poe did, I’m chipping in as soon as I earn some money of my own.” Smiling Finn threw a quick look at Poe, before returning his attention to Rey. “Please come and stay with us for a while.”

Rey raised an eyebrow and Poe could tell that she was taken aback by the sudden proposal. They’d had her over a couple of times before, whenever she had visited them, but it hadn’t happened in a while. With a sinking feeling Poe wondered what it was that Finn hadn’t told him.

“Where are you staying, Rey?” Poe asked, not looking at Finn. He was not going to let Rey sleep on the ship she had arrived in. What he hadn’t expected was to see her cheeks going red and she dropped her gaze.

“With.. with a friend?”

“A... friend?” That sounded very ominous, but it made Poe smile nonetheless. “And might that friend be the reason why you were late?” Grinning he threw a quick glance at Finn, who, to Poe’s surprise, was staring at the tiled floor in front of him. What was going on here?

Rey shrugged and when she looked at Finn, Poe was completely taken aback by the venom in her voice. “I know you don’t like him, but it’s none of your business.”

“I didn’t say anything!” Biting his lip, Finn still couldn’t meet Rey’s eyes.

The sudden tension between them made Poe withdraw his arm from around Finn. Something was wrong. Very wrong. “Guys, what’s going on here?”

“What’s going on here, is that Finn can’t stand him!” Rey crossed her arms and stared at Finn.

Raising an eyebrow Finn stared down at Rey. “Where’s that Jedi calm, hm?”

Poe could not remember having seen this sarcastic to anyone in years. Shaking his head Poe stepped between the two of them, holding up to hands as if to hold them apart. “This is so wrong. What’s happening here? Who is that guy, Rey?” He immediately regretted his choice of words. Rey deserved better than this. “I’m sorry,” he said quickly.  “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Nej Antilles. And Finn can’t stand him, because they didn’t get along in the Resistance!” Rey made to turn around, but Poe grabbed her by the arm, stopping her in her tracks.

“Come on, it can’t be that bad!” He turned to look at Finn, who had resumed glaring at the floor instead. “Who is that guy?” The name Antilles was familiar of course, mainly because of the role Wedge Antilles had played during the Galactic Civil War almost forty years ago.

“He...” Finn broke off, shoving his hands in his pockets, apparantly unable to continue speaking.

“He’s one of Luke’s students,” said Rey with a sigh. “And he didn’t want to accept Finn’s decision.”

So that was it? The whole thing? Finn was afraid of meeting Rey, because she was going out with someone who hadn’t accepted Finn’s life choices?

“But this is ridiculous?” Somehow the whole world seemed to have shrunk to the three of them. Everything else was forgotten. The graduation, the ceremony, the party going on around them. “Finn, Rey never said anything against you. When did you last see that guy? It must have been years!”

Slowly but surely Finn raised his head. Rey had relaxed somewhat in Poe’s grip and when she didn’t look like she wanted to go anymore, he let go of her.

“Rey, I-“ But whatever Finn wanted to say, Rey stopped him, by pushing past Poe and embracing her friend again.

“I’d love for you two to get along”, she said and took a step back. “One day. Maybe not today, but maybe later.” She smiled slightly at Poe and without another word she vanished in the crowd.

All of a sudden Poe was aware of the music blaring through the speakers. Of Finn standing so close to him, looking utterly defeated. He wanted to ask what had happened between him and that guy, but he didn’t. Not here. Not now. Both, time and place had to be chosen by Finn.

“I’m still glad she came here tonight.” Finn said quietly and looked back up at Poe. “Shall we go home?”

Poe shook his head. A couple of minutes ago he would’ve been more than happy to oblige. But not after what had just happened. He grabbed Finn’s hand. “Let’s dance.”

 

 


	4. Mornings

 

The seemingly endless rain of the last couple of days had finally subsided. Instead of the constant rushing of wind and rain outside the bedroom window, he only heard the constant humming of speeders passing by.

            Opening his eyes to the glorious sunshine stealing through the half closed blinds, Poe thought that it would be much quieter in their new home. The spot next to him was empty, though he could still see the imprint of Finn’s head on the pillow. Reaching out he found that the sheet was cold. How long had Finn been up? What time was it anyway? Poe had no idea. He turned on his back to look up at the ceiling, wiping his eyes. He could still feel the remnants of tears on his face. Why? Why wouldn’t they stop? These nightmares had been tormenting him for years and years. By now he was almost sure that he’d never be rid of them.

            This time he had been with Morap, and Finn had walked in on them, apparently not caring about his partner being with another man. On the contrary, he had even made a joke about it, which Poe couldn’t even remember now, but the imprint of that dream still made him tremble and his heart pound heavily in his chest. He wiped his sweaty palms on the sheets and sat up. Finn and Morap didn’t belong in the same place. Morap was dead and with an aching pain in his gut Poe wished him gone for good. Once and for all! Why did the memory of Morap keep tormenting him? Why did he have to dream about him every night? Feel the loss as strongly as he had felt it the day he had lost him? The moments when Morap turned into his brother were worse than anything else that happened in these dreams. When Morap’s features would inadvertently change and become his torturer’s and Poe felt like his mind was making fun of his weakness.

            Finn’s involvement in these dreams was nothing out of the ordinary either. He would either be angry at Poe for cheating on him or, which was even worse, appear completely fine with it. Nonchalant even. Like he didn’t belong with Poe. This made the whole thing even more unnerving. It was as if Poe’s subconscious wanted to let him know that Finn wasn’t supposed to be with him and it made him feel like the worst person in the entire galaxy to doubt Finn’s love for him even in his dreams.

            The sound of muffled voices coming from the living room caught his attention, though he couldn’t quite make out the words. So Finn had turned on the holo? How long had he been up? They had gotten home fairly late. Despite the way Finn’s encounter with Rey had gone, Finn’s mood had picked up considerably after a few glasses of beer and in the company of his fellow students. Poe couldn’t stop smiling at him the entire night, revelling in Finn’s grin and laughter.

            With a pang of guilt her realized that Finn must have become aware of his nightmare and once again he felt utterly helpless. As if he was drowning and no amount of paddling could keep his head above the water line.

            Ordering himself to get a grip and just get on with his life, he threw his legs out of bed and got up, before grabbing his shorts, which were still lying on the floor from last night, and pulling them on. This self pitying had to stop. He had to learn to be happy with what he had and, most of all, to accept this happiness.

            Slowly he made his way to the living room door, which was only slightly ajar. The soft clattering of cutlery, combined with the sweet smell of boiled grain with enormous amounts of sugar, made him smile.

            Finn’s bare back was turned to him, and not for the first time in recent years, was he glad to see that the scar Ren’s lightsaber had left there, was only barely visible now. Over the top of Finn’s head, Poe saw a reporter talking in front of the picture of a huge ship, which had apparently been lost or stolen in the Outer Rim. Just a small snipped of news of no great importance.

            Finn, who must have felt Poe staring at him, turned his head to face him and Poe spotted the bowl and the spoon in Finn’s hands.

            “You didn’t wait for me? I’m crushed.” Poe attempted a smile and stepped closer to Finn, who turned his attention back to the holo.

            “This keeps happening,” he murmured quietly, spoon clutched tightly in his hand.

            “I know,” answered Poe, tasting the bad joke on his tongue and almost choking on it. “Though that’s just because you let me sleep in all the time.”

            Finn shrugged, but didn’t turn around again. He was looking down at the bowl, stirring the substance within. “You need rest,” he said and after a short pause he added: “But that’s not what I meant.”

            Sighing Poe stepped a little closer so he was standing behind Finn. The report had moved on from the lost ship to a piece of news about a newly built amusement park on Dantooine. The change in topic seemed a little random to Poe, but told him just enough about how important the network thought the news about the stolen ship was.

            “This keeps happening,” Finn repeated. “It’s weird that no one seems to have noticed. Over the last couple of months ships have been vanishing and no one cares.”

            “Maybe they just think it’s a coincidence?” Poe said shrugging, though he felt goose bumps spread over his arms, making him shiver. Finn’s remark made him uneasy. He remembered only too well what had happened shortly after ships had vanished into thin air about fifteen years ago. It had been the start of the First Order showing strength and demonstrating their military capacities. Finn had to remember that as well. He had been a Stormtrooper after all and had followed the First Order’s progress closer than most people because of it.            

Poe himself hadn’t really paid attention to the news these last couple of weeks, maybe even months. So much had been going on. The training of new pilots, the search for a house, trying to support Finn during his final exams as much as possible, all of that had kept him occupied. But of course Finn had always been more observant than he was. “Do you think something is up?”, he asked, shifting from one foot to the other.

            “I don’t know. It’s just... a feeling. You know?”

            Of course Poe didn’t. Not really. But he understood that Finn’s strange connection to the Force might have something to do with those premonitions Finn tended to have about events that might or might not happen. “Hm,” Poe grunted in response.

            “Want some?” Finn lifted up the bowl he was holding and Poe glanced down at the grain boiled in blue milk. He didn’t really fancy that dish. Especially not in the morning, but he knew how much Finn loved it and never complained and ate it without commenting on it. The sweet scent wafting at him from the kitchen unit was somehow calming however.

            “Thanks...” Taking the bowl Finn had put down next to the pot in which another huge portion of the grain was still simmering. With the bowl filled halfway he returned to Finn and sat down next to him on the narrow couch with his legs crossed. Their knees were touching and for the fraction of a second Poe considered scooting away from Finn, but then stayed where he was. Moving away from Finn might arouse questions or bring up the subject of his nightmares and he couldn’t face that.

            Poe put the first spoonful of grain into his mouth, swallowing without really tasting it and let his eyes wander across the room. At the moving boxes and the bare walls. They didn’t have much time left in this apartment. Of course they had slept in the same room whenever they could when they had still been with the Resistance, but after the war had ended Poe had rejoined the Republic’s navy and everything had changed. They hadn’t been stationed on the same planet anymore. Not all the time anyway and for the first year Poe had spent every night pining for Finn’s cold feet between his lower thighs. After a couple of months, he had requested to be stationed on Chandrila, where Finn had already started studying in Hanna City and things had gotten better. They had moved in together and Poe had not regretted that decision for even one moment.

            From the corner of his eye Poe saw Beebee-Ate slowly making his way towards them, steering clear from the boxes. “Hey buddy, what’s up?”

            A quiet chirping noise told him that the droid was having some difficulties focusing his sensors on anything in particular. Beebee-Ate wasn’t particularly happy about that as far as Poe could tell.

            “Something wrong?”, Finn asked, who had never really managed to fully grasp Binary. It might have something to do with the way Poe interacted with the droid when they were more or less joined together by their X-Wing. Poe had no difficulties in understanding his droid, while Finn had never even seen Beebee-Ate’s curses translated into Basic onto the screen in the cockpit and therefore had no direct reference points for the beeping and chirping noises.

“Not sure...” With a frown Poe bent over his long time companion and put the bowl of hot grain on the floor. “How come, Beebee? They look clean enough.”

Beebee-Ate’s whistling noises sounded like the wails of a newborn baby and they made Poe smile despite himself.

“Okay, okay, I’m gonna check your sensors later on. I promise. Just power down, till then.”

The sounds Beebee-Ate issued now told him that the astromech wasn’t satisfied with his answer at all, but Poe didn’t comment on the droid’s tone of voice which was next to insulting. “Calm down, okay? I’ll do it, I just have to go looking for the tools. They’re in one of those boxes. Power down and I’ll get to you as soon as I’ve got them.”

With a couple of aggravated chirping noises, Beebee-Ate turned around and manoeuvred his way through the labyrinth of boxes on the floor to his usual spot. Poe watched the droid until he had powered down, wondering if he should have taken better care of the him. He had been Morap’s after all and after his former owner’s death Beebee-Ate and Poe had somehow found each other. Poe still remembered that moment vividly. The grief which had almost driven him insane and the droid somehow, inexplicably dragging him away from the abyss just by being there and reminding him that he wasn’t alone in this whole mess.

“I can’t wait for us to move into that house, you know?”

“Hm?” Poe forced himself to smile at Finn despite his gloomy thoughts. They had talked about this so often, but at the moment this comment felt out of place. He adapted quickly, however, trying to appear like he hadn’t thought of anything else himself. “Big plans, Doctor Finn?”

He saw Finn smiling at the mention of his new title. It meant so much to him to be someone who wasn’t part of any military. To be free and to be able to help people at the same time. Finn shrugged. “Let’s visit your Dad first, before we start talking about unrealistic plans.”

Unrealistic plans? What could Finn possibly mean by that? Poe raised an eyebrow, trying to wrap his head around the fact that Finn might be planning ahead, when he himself was still working on coping with his past. Was he too slow for Finn? Did he have to try harder? Somehow it didn’t seem right. Unfair even.

“Did you sleep ok?”

Finn’s question startled Poe and he needed a moment to focus on his boyfriend again. Slowly he picked up his bowl and stirring the bluish substance. Of course Finn knew that Poe hadn’t slept well, but it didn’t happen often that Finn addressed the topic of his nightmares. “Yeah,” Poe lied quickly. “Fine.”  

They fell silent. Only the voice of the reporter talking about the upcoming weather on Chandrila. Poe didn’t even listen. What did he care about the weather? He didn’t have to fly with the new pilots for the two weeks and he was glad to be able to get off planet. For a moment however he wished that he cared. He wished he cared about something other than cutting Finn out of this aspect of his life. It wasn’t even that he was keeping secrets from Finn, who knew about his problems anyway. Poe just couldn’t talk about it. If that made matters worse or better however, Poe couldn’t say. At the moment he felt like it made things so much worse. “Sorry...” he added clumsily, still stirring the grain which was cooling down rapidly now.

“It’s okay,” Finn whispered, though his tone of voice indicated that it wasn’t. Not really. Poe guessed that he was just trying to be supportive. After another moment’s silence Finn heaved a sigh. “When are we leaving?”

Poe looked at the holo again, focusing on the clock in one of the corners. “An hour or so? My Dad’s not really expecting us at a specific time...” he trailed off when Finn got up abruptly and headed off into the direction of the bathroom, leaving his half emptied bowl of grain on the kitchen counter. With a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach Poe stared at the holo without taking anything in.

 

 


	5. Home

 

The green leaves outside the window were radiant in the sunlight. Poe never grew tired of  staring at them or the view in general. Looking up, he spotted the very top of the nearby abandoned temple peeking up from behind the treetops. As a child, Poe had stood in this very spot so often, imagining the Rebel Alliance taking up residence in the temple and fight the Empire from here. This very planet had been the place, where the first blow to the Empire had been struck when the Death Star had been blown apart. But this was not the only reason why Poe felt so attached to this planet. For one, he had grown up here, his mother had died in this very house, but he also remembered the stories of his parents; about how they had met in the temple’s main hangar. His father had told the story over and over again: he had been impressed by the daring pilot Shara Bey, even before her participation in the Battle of Yavin, but she had turned him down when he had invited her out for a drink. She had been too focused on her work and not interested at all in being involved with anyone. At least not until they had been sent on a secret mission together and he had managed to prove himself to her.

            The stories of the Rebel Alliance had coined the dreams of his childhood like nothing else. Not a day had gone by without him pretending to be a pilot like his mother, or a Pathfinder like his father. The dreams and games he had played with his friends had become ambitions as he grew older, driving him to join the Republic’s navy. Ever since, he hadn’t managed to return home to his father’s house more than a couple of times a year. He hadn’t even come here with Finn as often as he should have. Not, at least, until a couple of years ago, when Kes Dameron had suffered a severe stroke. Poe and Finn had been alerted by one of the neighbours, telling them, that Poe’s father had been taken to the nearest medcenter. Poe still remembered the rush of adrenaline, the sense of falling without being able to stop himself and of being lost, he had felt, when he had been waiting in the medcenter’s corridor for news of his father. Finn’s hand clutched tightly in his been the only thing keeping him sane and focused. It had been like a lifeline during these hours of dread and anguish in which he thought he’d lose his other parent.

            After what had appeared like an eternity, one of the medics had stepped outside to tell them that his father would be fine, but that he’d have to “take it slow”. Ever since that day Poe and Finn had returned to Yavin 4 at least once a month, but they hadn’t been able to come here for about twelve weeks and Poe still felt guilty about that.

            Poe didn’t turn around, when he felt Finn’s arms wrap around his torso, but closed his eyes, savouring the moment of peace. A moment in which they didn’t have to worry about packing boxes or about the next day of work. This moment was about them and about them being away from it all. Placing his hands on Finn’s, Poe started drawing circles on Finn’s soft skin. The tension between them had all but vanished when they had reached Poe’s homeplanet, even though Poe knew that Finn had always been a bit nervous around Kes. It wasn’t that Kes had ever rejected Finn in any way, on the contrary: he had always been supportive and even welcoming towards Finn. They had just never become as close as Poe would have wished and Poe had never asked his father why that was. Finn didn’t pretend to be anyone he was not, when he was on Yavin 4, he was the same person Poe had grown to love. He even seemed to enjoy the stays in Poe’s family home, it was just that something was slightly off. Like a barely visible crack in a mirror. It distorted the image, but only so much that it didn’t really matter.

            “He won’t tell me what’s wrong,” Finn whispered, his breath gently stroking Poe’s neck. He hadn’t really expected his father to comply, but he had known that Finn would offer his help.

            “Did you ask nicely?” With a smirk that didn’t really fit the situation, Poe leaned against Finn and put head back so his cheek was pressed against Finn’s neck.

            Finn made a non-committal noise, pulling Poe closer to his body. “I told him I was a fully trained medic and that you’re worried about him, but he insists that he’s fine.”

            Poe shook his head with a heavy sigh. “Idiot...” he whispered. They had arrived on Yavin 4 a couple of hours before and when he had first seen his father, Poe had known that something was horribly wrong. He was as pale as a ghost and it was obvious that every step he took was causing him pain. But of course he didn’t complain. Kes Dameron wanted to appear strong in front of his son and wouldn’t even tell Poe what was wrong when Poe had asked him over a cup of Caf, after they had entered the house. Poe had then taken his and Finn’s bags upstairs and asked Finn quietly to check up on his father, without any real hope.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you to do it.”

Finn shrugged. “It’s fine. How many other doctors do you know personally?”

Chuckling Poe brushed his lips against Finn’s jaw. “I met a couple at your graduation.” Poe’s breath caught in his chest, as Finn pulled him even closer. Laughing he grabbed on tightly to Finn’s forearm. The pressure of Finn’s arm lessened and Poe was able to breathe again. “I’m going to talk to him later today,” he said, pressing his lips against Finn’s cheek. “Maybe I can knock some sense into him.”

Finn nodded. “Maybe, but I’m not too sure. He seems determined and I think he has already talked to a doctor.”

“Probably,” Poe said with a grunt, his eyes still fixed on the forest outside. He’d had the same impression about his father. It was apparent that Kes knew that something was up, but was completely unwilling to talk about it, which could only mean that it was something serious. “But if he won’t tell me, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“Do you want me to talk to him again?”

“Nah...” patting Finn’s hand Poe wriggled out of Finn’s embrace and turned around to face him. “Thanks for trying, but I think I should talk to him. If he gets angry at anyone it should be me.” He winked at Finn, though his heart wasn’t in it. On the contrary: he felt like the talk he’d have to have with his father was going to be the least pleasant he’d ever had with the man.

“Fine...” Finn murmured sighing and grabbed his jacket. It was the very same one he had received from Poe all those years ago, after they had first met. Even though a huge portion of the back had to be patched up, it still looked pretty much the same, maybe a little bit more worn, but Poe was glad to see that Finn was still wearing it every time he did. Smiling slightly despite himself, because the dread of talking with his father was still hanging over him, he patted Finn on the shoulder.

“Thanks.”

With a slight nod Finn bent over him, gently kissing the corner of his mouth and then he left Poe’s old bedroom and went down the stairs. Poe didn’t even ask where Finn was headed. He knew, that Finn was weirdly drawn to the Force tree his mother had planted in their garden all those years ago. She had received it from Skywalker after helping him recover these last two fragments of the tree, which had once been the heart and soul of the Jedi temple on Corouscant, before the Emperor had taken over. Finn, being Force-sensitive, obviously felt a strong connection to the tree, though he never talked about it.

Poe could see a couple of the tree branches from where he was standing right now and he knew, that Finn would be busy just being near the tree for a while, like he always was. Finn might have rejected Jedi training, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t feel the Force. Poe could only imagine what it might be like for Finn, but he thought that it might be like trying to forget what it felt like to fly a starfighter. To forget what the sudden rush of adrenaline and the acceleration pushing one’s body against the seat felt like. It must be impossible.

One last time he looked around his room. At the pictures of ships and of friends on the walls, especially at the one with his mother, standing on the desk. What would she have said about his father’s unwillingness to talk? Poe didn’t know, but he thought that he’d have to remember that point when he talked to his father.

When he entered the small kitchen, he immediately spotted his father standing at the counter and slicing meat on a wooden cutting board with trembling hands.

“Finn went outside,” Kes said, eyes focused on the knife in his hand.

“Yes, I know.” Poe approached him, gently grabbing his father’s hand, which was holding the knife, in his. “Let me do this,” he said. “Please.” Poe looked up to meet his father’s brown eyes.

Kes Dameron had grown old, he realized, not for the first time. At seventy two this man was not as fit as he once was and Poe felt a twinge of guilt in the pit of his stomach when he realized that he should have come here more often. “I cook for myself most of the time, you know?”

Poe shook his head, pushing his father gently out of the way. “I hope not,” he murmured.

Kes didn’t reply and simply pulled up a chair, so he could sit down while Poe was working. Poe was glad to see it. At least his father hadn’t grown entirely reckless.

“Your boyfriend is really fond of that tree,” Kes said, throwing a look over his shoulder out into the garden, where Finn was sitting in the grass, his back against the tree and a datapad on his lap. Why did his father have to change subjects like this? Why wouldn’t he trust his son, who had a right to know?

“He is...” Poe said quietly, taking up the knife his father had left on the counter and started slicing up the dark meat in front of him. “Dad, why won’t you tell us what’s going on?” He didn’t look at his father, fully aware, that his father wasn’t looking at him either.

“I’m fine for now. And you don’t need to know.” The tone in Kes’ voice was calm, but there was unmistakeable severity mixed in the undertone. He didn’t want to talk about it and expected Poe to just comply with his decision. So he was fine... for now. For now! What did that even mean? Poe pressed his lips tightly together, clutching the knife in his hand like his last hope for a safe haven. “Dad...” he said quietly, barely able to contain the anger rising up in him. When had his father become this stubborn? Why wouldn’t he let anyone help him? “Why don’t you come back with us to Chandrila? The new house is big enough and Finn and I-“

“No.”

His heart was beating very fast now. He felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room with that single word. “Dad... Finn and I-“

“I said: no! I won’t leave this place! Not until you have to carry me out in a casket!”

Slowly Poe turned his head to look directly at his father. What was he even saying? The lined face in front of him showed a determination which reminded Poe so very much of the man who had, so long ago, shouted at him for crashing his mother’s A-Wing, but today Poe wasn’t intimidated by it. Today he felt terrified at the stubbornness he knew he’d have to fight sooner rather than later.

“And I’m saying: Finn and I can help you! Finn’s a medic! He-“

“I don’t want his help! I don’t want your help! Why won’t you accept that!” Kes got up again. The sound of the chair’s legs scratching over the floor made Poe’s hair stand on end.

Breathing heavily, barely able to hold back a frustrated scream, Poe stared back down at the meat in front of him, the knife handle firmly in his grip. With a mighty thrust he  rammed the knife into the wooden cutting board and he had to close his eyes, so Kes wouldn’t see the tears forming behind his eyelids. “Because-“ Poe started saying, trying to calm himself, “I might propose to Finn one of these days and I want you to be there at my wedding!” Angry at himself for the outburst, he let go of the knife handle and folded his arms across his chest to keep his hands from shaking. He still didn’t look at his father and kept his eyes closed instead. He felt the strange burning sensation in his nose, the tightness in his throat and the suffocating knot in his chest.

Kes sighed and Poe felt his body shift. When he opened his eyes ever so slightly he saw that his father was leaning against the counter next to him. “Poe, there’s nothing you can do. Nor Finn... I’m not going to drop dead tomorrow, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

How could he possibly be this nonchalant? How could he not care?

A terrible thought crossed Poe’s mind. What if Kes had known this for months? What if Kes had known the last time Poe had been here and hadn’t told him. What had happened to speed up the process? Fighting for composure Poe gulped down the lump in his throat, but before he knew it, he felt his father’s arms around him. Pressing his lips tightly together, Poe wrapped Kes in his arms,struggling against the sudden rush of emotion that was threatening to overwhelm him. His father was so close now. How long did he have? How much time would he be able to spend with him? When would it all be gone?

Still shaking he let go of his father after a while. His father had been the one fixed point in his life for so many years after his mother’s death and Poe had no idea how he could possibly cope with the feeling of dread. With the uncertainty of when the blow would be administered. “Don’t make me wait for bad news, Dad...” He whispered, his voice husky and somehow not his own. How could he speak, when there were no words that could convey what needed to be conveyed?

Kes shook his head slightly. It still appeared like he didn’t mind. Like he had accepted his fate. “I won’t,” said Kes. “I really don’t want you to worry about a specific time until you have to.” He sighed and for once in his life Poe didn’t know what to say. Words failed him in a way they had never done before.

Blinking, he wiped his eyes with one of his hands. He wanted to tell his father that he hated this arrangement, that he hated it being thrust at him like it was nothing. He hated that his father expected him to cope with something no one should have to cope with. But he couldn’t. No sound, no utterance was suitable to express what he felt. How could there be, when he couldn’t even fully comprehend that he would lose his father next?

“So... Finn...”

Poe looked up. His father’s head was turned to the window again and he gently lowered himself back unto the chair. “What about him?”, he croaked, though he could already guess what Kes was aiming for.

“Are you sure about him?” Kes didn’t look him in the eyes and after a short rush of anger, Poe realized that he had expected this question for a long time.

“We’ve been together for ten years,” he said, his voice firm again, though his thoughts were still trying to grasp the fact that his father was going to die. Probably sooner rather than later. The big emptiness was already stretching ahead of him, even though he wasn’t standing directly at the abyss. He knew he’d get there eventually and the very thought of that made him shiver. It felt like he was being torn apart already and the conversation about Finn, after his father’s revelation not two minutes ago, made him experience this tear through his soul even more. “Of course I’m sure.” He followed his father’s gaze, just to look at something other than the floor or the meat lying on the counter. Poe didn’t know when he had been less hungry.

“Exactly. Like you said, you’ve been together for such a long time... you’re over forty. I’m just wondering why you haven’t taken that step before now.” Kes still wasn’t looking at him, but his arms were folded across his chest, almost as if he were imitating Poe. “You said you might propose to Finn. One of these days. Doesn’t sound too confident.”

“Well...” Poe trailed off, unable to explain to his father why he hadn’t taken this step yet. Why he still felt hesitant, even though he knew that Finn was the one person he wanted to spend the rest of his days with. He dropped his gaze again to the cutting board and with an effort he pulled the knife out of the wood. Just for something to do he started slicing up the meat again. “I am, it’s just...” He didn’t say it. He couldn’t make his lips form the words.

“Morap?”

Poe stopped in his movements, the knife only halfway through the meat in front of him. Slowly he looked up at his father again, whose eyes showed a sadness, which seemed to tug at Poe’s own heart. Unable to do anything else, dumbfounded by his father’s sudden frankness, he nodded and he saw that his father was reaching a conclusion. The wrong one by the looks of it.

“Are you sure Finn isn’t a sort of substitute for him?” The words were spoken quietly, but they felt like a punch to the gut, which knocked the wind right out of him.

“Of course I am...” Poe said after a while, during which he struggled for breath. “I loved Morap, but he’s gone... Finn is...”, he shrugged, his mind racing. He had never said this out loud. Not to anyone, but if he couldn’t trust his father with something like this, then who? “I love him. I love Finn, with all my heart, it’s just... sometimes I feel so lost. Morap is still there somehow and thinking of him just feels wrong and then feeling bad about Morap-“ He stopped himself, before he really started blabbering. He was sure that his father would understand what he was trying to say.

“Hm,” Kes said. For a moment there was silence. “And you’re sure that Finn-“

Poe raised a hand to stop him from saying anymore. “Don’t...”, he said. “I know you don’t like Finn.”

“What makes you say that?”

With a grim smile Poe finally dropped the knife and went to the sink to wash his hands. He didn’t feel like cooking anymore. Not at all. “Don’t even pretend like you haven’t noticed that something is off between you.”

Kes didn’t answer and Poe poured soap on his hands, turning on the tap without looking back at his father. He wouldn’t have thought that this visit would be so devastating. Already he wished he hadn’t come here and at the same time he was glad that he had. Otherwise he wouldn’t know about his father’s condition.

“It’s not that I don’t like him...”, Kes said slowly, as if he was thinking over every word before he said it. “It’s just that...” He sighed. “He’s a terrific guy, but-“

“But what?” Poe felt his heart rate pick up again as he turned the tap off with his elbow and turned around to face his father. So this was what it took for his father to come clean? To finally tell him what he really thought of his partner. “What is it?”

Kes shook his head and looked back outside to where Finn had dosed off, his head leaning against the huge trunk of the tree. “He doesn’t have a family. Knows nothing about them, but... but he reminds me of someone I knew back in the day.”

It was as if Kes’ words had pulled out the floor beneath his feet. Unblinking Poe stared at his father, who wiped his brow as if he was wondering whether he had already said too much. “What do you mean?”

Kes shifted uncomfortably on his chair, still not looking at Poe. “It’s just a hunch... I never wanted to get his hopes up. Or yours for that matter.” He swallowed hard, tracing his lips with his fingertips. “I have no proof, it’s just that he looks so much like one of the pilots in the Alliance back in the day. He and your mother were really close.”

Poe had to lean against the counter. He knew that Finn was still wondering where he had come from. The records they had been able to salvage from the First Order hadn’t been more than mere fragments and all the information they had stored about the Stormtroopers the Order had kidnapped as children were considered lost. And now, finally, here might be a clue as to where Finn’s family might be. About what had happened to them.

“I haven’t seen him since the battle of Endor,” Kes continued in a quiet voice, “so I can’t be sure... But I think he moved to Birken Six.”

Poe wiped his sweaty palms on his trousers. “Why haven’t you said anything until now?”, he asked quietly and finally Kes turned to look at him. The lines on his face appeared deeper than ever.

“Like I said... I’m not sure and somehow it never felt like the right moment.”

It never felt like the right moment. The only thing that could possibly make Kes say these things now, Poe thought, was that he felt like he should tell Poe before it was too late. In case he didn’t get a chance to say them. In case something might prevent him from speaking those words.

Poe shivered. He could only hope that his father would indeed let him know what was wrong with him, before it was too late.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Family

With loud, clanking, heartbreaking thuds Beebee-Ate crashed down on the landing. Cursing, Poe rushed towards the droid, who let out a miserable, agonizingly slow sound, which was so close to a human groan, that it made Poe close his eyes for a moment. Kneeling down next to the droid, he felt his heart sink. Why on earth hadn’t he seen to Beebe-Ate’s sensors and fixed them as best he could. The droid, apparently disorientated, had fallen down the flight of stairs leading down from their apartment to the front steps, crashing heavily with its head on the white stone tiles.

“Hey, buddy”, Poe whispered as soothingly as he could. “Are you alright?” Slowly turning the droid, so its head was up again, he saw the damage that had been caused and he felt his heart contract painfully in his chest before Beebee-Ate could even begin to express his dismay. The droid’s sensor had cracked, not just once, but into what looked like a thousand tiny pieces. “Oh, kriffing hell....”, he murmured as his hand patted the droid on the head. “I’m so sorry, I should’ve gotten your sensors fixed before now... “ Why hadn’t he? How could he have let this happen?

“Is everything okay?” Finn, still carrying one of the boxes, he had been about to take to the speeder outside, came running back in. “Oh no! Beebee...”

Poe looked up at him, as Finn set down the box on the ground and knelt down next to Poe and Beebee-Ate, whose head swivelled around wildly as if completely confused.

“Do you think he can be fixed?” The tone of voice in which Finn said these words made Poe’s insides churn and Beebee-Ate beep downheartedly.

“Of course!” Poe said loudly. “I should’ve taken him to get repaired sooner...” He felt his heart sink even lower. What had he done? This droid was everything he had left from Morap, how could he have let this happen? Finn’s hand on his shoulder did nothing to ease the guilt, which was making him almost dizzy. “He’ll be fine, I guess...”, he mumbled. “I’m going to turn you off now, okay? Don’t worry, I’ll take you to get repaired right now.” With a sigh he looked up at Finn, after he had turned the tiny switch underneath the droid’s head. “Will you be okay?”

Finn hesitated for a moment as realization hit him. He knew about Morap, of course. And he knew about Poe taking care of his dead boyfriend’s droid after his passing. It had never played a role between them, but for some reason Poe felt like his emotional reaction to the droid’s accident, had triggered something in Finn, which Poe had never wished to see there. Was it jealousy? Poe couldn’t tell, but for once he was glad that Finn didn’t know the role Morap still played in his dreams.

“There are only a couple of boxes left. You should go and get him checked out,” Finn said quietly, putting an arm around Poe’s shoulders. “I can manage.”

Poe nodded slightly, kissing Finn on the cheek, and, lifting Beebe-Ate into his arms, he got to his feet, staggering slightly as he stood. He tended to forget how heavy the droid was and that he was out of shape as much as Finn. “I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he said to Finn, who stood up and picked up the box again.

 

 

He had taken Beebee-Ate to the mechanic, who was in charge of all the astromechs on the base on Chandrila. The Miralan going by the name of Lehcar had checked the Beebee-unit with a frown on his face, but her expression had quickly changed into one of astonishment. “Did you have him costum made?”, she had asked.

            Poe had shaken his head, telling her, that he had inherited the droid. She had apparently been wanting to ask who had built Beebee-Ate, a question to which Poe couldn’t have given her a satisfactory answer. He didn’t know. Maybe it had been Morap, who had built Beebee-Ate? Poe had never asked, though he knew that Morap’s skill with any sort of tool was beyond terrible. Morap had been an excellent pilot, but a horrific mechanic. The very thought of him building a droid, a Beebee-unit at that, seemed next to impossible.

            Lehcar’s promise to get to working on Beebee-Ate as soon as she could, had made Poe feel sick to the pit of his stomach. This promise could mean everything and at the same time nothing at all, but he’d never give Beebee-Ate into the hands of someone he didn’t trust fully and completely. Lehcar’s abilities with droids was widely known among X-Wing pilots, though her schedule must be packed with droids she needed to repair and update. Since the war with the First Order had ended seven years ago, the Republic’s navy had not been downsized further, but rather expanded as best they could, in case a new enemy emerged, but military funds had been low and new equipment was hardly ever bought, especially for the training base on Chandrila.

            As Poe pulled up to the house, in front of which Finn’s speeder was still parked, he felt a wave of relief wash over him. There was nothing he could do about Beebee-Ate right now anyway and worrying about spilt milk wouldn’t get him, or Finn, anywhere. He’d just have to find a way, once and for all, to deal with this horrible feeling of guilt and get on with things. With a sigh, he realized, not for the first time, that he’d told himself this very same thing over and over again to no avail. At least, he thought, he still had Finn, who was probably waiting for him inside and even though they had their problems, and even though he was constantly worrying about his father’s condition, he knew that things would work out. Somehow.

            The apartment was as empty as it had been the day they had moved in and Poe felt a hundred years older looking at it now after they had made so many memories in here. Fights over things he couldn’t even remember, nights spent watching a nonsensical thriller on the Holo-Net, hours which would remain with him for the rest of his days and which were among the happiest of his life. This apartment symbolized the years he had been allowed to spend with Finn so far. Time, which he wouldn’t want to exchange for anything in the world.

And yet he had done just that. He and Finn were abandoning this place to live somewhere else. At this very moment it felt like a deep cut in his life, and then he realized that moving out of here actually meant moving on. Moving on to a future with Finn, which he would never have imagined he could have, ten years ago. And now here they were. About to embark on the next big adventure.

            He found Finn lying on the floor in the very spot where their bed had been until the day before. They had taken it up to the house then and had slept on a mattress, which was now stowed away in the trailer behind Finn’s speeder. Finn was lying on his back, hands folded over his stomach, his feet tapping against each other in a steady rhythm. To see him lying here like this, utterly relaxed, made Poe smile.

“Tired already?”, Poe unable to hide the smirk in his voice and Finn elevated his head ever so slightly, so he could look at Poe.

“Don’t talk to me about being tired, old man.”

Smiling to himself, Poe strolled over to his boyfriend and lay down beside him, his head on Finn’s chest. How often they had lain here together, staring up at the ceiling, immersed in talk after a long day of work, or a rather enjoyable time spent in each other’s arms. Finn put his arm around Poe’s chest, pulling him closer.

“I can’t believe we’re actually doing this,” Finn mumbled. “Moving out.”

Putting his hand on Finn’s arm, Poe nodded slightly. “I know what you mean,” he answered softly. “That’s exactly what I was thinking when I came in here.”  Finn’s soft skin under his fingertips was warm and eerily calming. Just touching Finn tended to have this blissful effect.

“What did Lehcar say about Beebee-Ate? Can she fix him?”

“Of course she can,” Poe said, taking Finn’s hand in his. For a moment it was, as if Morap’s name was hanging in the air between them, but maybe it was just Poe’s imagination.

“How long is it going to take?”

Poe shrugged, trying to shake the feeling of unease. “She couldn’t say,” he answered. “Too many droids to repair on the base at the moment.” Finn’s fingertips slowly made their way under the neckline of his shirt, so his hand rested lightly on Poe’s chest, directly over his heart. As always being held like this, feeling Finn’s chest expanding underneath his head with every breath the other took, was calming like nothing else could be. Poe closed his eyes, revelling in the warmth spreading through his body.

After the talk with his father, after they had abandoned the attempt at cooking and decided on ordering a hot meal from the droid service, Poe had gone outside to join Finn underneath the Force tree. They had lain there, looking up at the leaves dancing lazily in the wind much like they were looking up at the ceiling now and Poe had filled Finn in on what father had just told him. About the illness, his refusal to talk, or do anything about it. About what he suspected of Finn’s past. Finn hadn’t said anything at this revelation. Nothing. Not a word. For a seemingly endless minute they had just remained silent, until Poe had reached out to Finn, drawing circles on Finn’s lower arm, enjoying the touch of his soft skin. Then Finn had started talking. About Poe. About Poe’s father and about how they had to respect his wishes until Kes Dameron finally came to his senses and Poe hadn’t breached the subject of Finn’s parents again. Why Finn didn’t want to talk about it, however, Poe couldn’t even begin to understand.

“Beebee will be fine. It might just take some time. And I won’t have to go to work for another week, so I won’t be needing him.” He immediately regretted what he had said, the moment the words had stumbled over his lips and he fell silent. It wasn’t like he needed Beebee-Ate. He just _needed_ the droid. Desperately. Beebee-Ate was a part of his past which he couldn’t just erase, and not only because the astromech had been Morap’s, but also because Beebee-Ate and him had gone through thick and thin together. They had worked for the New Republic, had fought alongside the Resistance, had been captured by the First Order and had helped the New Alliance destroy the First Order once and for all. No, Beebee-Ate was much more than just a droid, more than a tool he needed on his X-Wing. Beebee-Ate was his companion, his co-pilot and, as weird as it sounded to even think about it: Beebee-Ate had become his friend, as far as friendship between a machine and a sentient being could go. Of course he knew that the personality chip inside Beebee-Ate was the only reason Beebee-Ate behaved like he did, was as loyal as he was, but that didn’t change the fact, that Poe and Beebee-Ate made one hell of a team and Poe had grown very, very attached to the foul mouthed, sarcastic droid.

“You’ll miss him though,” Finn added, almost helpfully.

Poe nodded. Yes, he would. He would miss the constantly beeping droid terribly. “Me too.” He sighed.

“Only one week left to get settled. Doesn’t seem to be enough.”

“Finn?” Poe was glad that he didn’t have to look Finn in the eye as he said this, but he held on tighter to Finn’s wrist, just in case Finn really didn’t like what Poe was about to suggest. “Don’t you think we should go to Birken Six?”, he asked quietly and felt Finn tense up underneath him almost at once. Had he already said too much? Probably, but Poe wouldn’t row back, not when he felt that Finn finding out more about his family could be so very important!

Finn didn’t speak for a while. For a moment Poe felt like the silence between them would turn icy cold, but still he made no attempt to break it. Finn had to say what was on his mind and Poe wouldn’t do it for him.

“I don’t want to continue somewhere, where I can’t pick up,” Finn murmured finally and Poe let out a breath. Not because he liked what he heard, but because Finn had brought up the courage to talk. Poe had always admired this about Finn. The ability to speak up, when the silence between them was growing thick.

Poe turned around, so he was looking at Finn, his hands on either side of Finn’s body. Finn didn’t look at him, just kept staring at the ceiling. “I’m pretty sure that you’ll do just fine,” Poe assured him, though he also knew that Finn had probably hoped that this discussion was over. But it wasn’t. Not by a long shot. “I want to go looking for your family.”

“I don’t _want_ that family,” Finn said sternly and Poe felt like he could see the struggle on Finn’s face. The struggle to force himself to look back at Poe. When he finally did, there was a tenderness in his eyes, which made Poe’s insides flutter. A tenderness, which Poe had not expected to see there. Not now, anyway, when he was expecting a fight. It took him off guard. “I want a family of my own,” Finn continued, touching Poe’s cheek with his hand and gingerly brushing his hand through Poe’s greying hair. Poe felt his heart miss a beat. What was happening here? “With you.” Finn sat up a bit and pulled Poe’s face closer to his. Before Poe could say a word, his lips were sealed by Finn’s light kiss, which didn’t make him want more but for time to stop. To stop this very moment, so he could savour it forever. But it didn’t. Of course it didn’t. Nothing ever did. “If you want that. If you will have me.”

“Finn,” he mumbled, unable to string any words to that one syllable. He remembered telling his father about this. About being with Finn forever. About marrying him. And here it was. That moment, he had been waiting for and which he had been dreading all those years, and he couldn’t say anything, but Finn’s name, whisper it over and over again, while he leaned over, kissing Finn’s lips, his jaw, his brow, his nose. Every utterance of the name followed by a kiss.

Finn’s giggling made him stop. “Is that a _yes_?”

Poe pulled back a bit, so he could look Finn in the eye. “Of course it is,” Poe said quietly. “You know it is.” A crooked smile spread over his face, as he reached up, to touch Finn’s lips with his index finger, signalling Finn not to interrupt him. “But I want to go to Birken Six. I’m not saying that you have to bond with them, if we find them. It’s not even certain they were ever there.” Finn breathed in, obviously about to speak and Poe kissed him firmly on the mouth, interrupting Finn’s attempt at protesting. “What I’m saying is,” he continued, “is that we should go and check it out. How would you feel if our child ever asks you where you’re from and you have to tell him, or her, that you had a chance to find out, but didn’t?”

Finn’s eyes narrowed slightly, but he seemed to be lost for words. Poe felt a smirk pull the corner’s of his mouth upwards. He knew that he had won this argument. Finn’s gaze was stern and almost angry, but he was apparently at an impasse, unable to argue or prevent this whole thing from happening.

“Fine!” Finn said, with an exasperated smile after what felt like an eternity. “But you have to promise me, that you’re not making me stay there if I want to go home.”

Poe nodded. “I promise.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think, you guys xD I'm really anxious about Poe's anxiety ;)


	7. Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I have been busy with schoolwork and so has my beta! I'll do better from now on! I promise!
> 
> Special thanks goes out to my wonderful co-conspirator AuroraLynne, who drew this wonderful picture of Morap and Embee. Working with her is such a pleasure! It's amazing! Seriously!

** Chapter 7 **

**Promises**

 

_An ancient relic_. That was what his father had called it. _An ancient relic from a time long gone._ What it was exactly, Morap Bendar couldn’t say. He had never seen anything like it. Not really. It looked a bit like the gems on his mother’s jewellery, but not quite. It looked rougher than the stones his mother wore around her neck on special occasions. But still, this stone attracted him like nothing else did and Morap couldn’t walk past his parents’ bedroom without pausing to look longingly at it. Just like he did now. He was standing in the doorway, arms hanging limply at his sides and staring at the dresser on which the stone was lying on display like the trophy of a conquest from a different time.

Morap had never been to a museum, but he felt like what he was feeling now must be similar to what his mother had told him about seeing a painting in real life for the first time and being pulled towards it. It had never been this strong before. This urge to go into his parents’ bedroom and touch the object, to which he had no right. And yet... if he was only going to touch it, surely his parents wouldn’t object! After all his father wanted him to invest more time in the Empire’s and also the First Order’s history and this stone was obviously part of that history. Meelan Bendar had given it to his wife about a year ago, after a successful business had been concluded with one of the organization’s trading partners. The stone had been a gift to his wife Nataleeh, who had put it on display in their room immediately. Morap had been allowed to touch it then and ever since, for some strange reason, he felt like it called to him. This piece of natural art, this historic object of white crystal, was calling _for_ _him_ , like no inanimate object ever had and today it was stronger than ever before.

Tentatively Morap set foot in the room, slowly making his way past the bed towards the dresser. With every step he took, he felt like he slipped more and more out of his body and though the sensation chilled him to the bone, he couldn’t stop. He wouldn’t stop. Not until he held the crystal in his hand. Morap kept staring at it. At the rough, glassy crystal, which couldn’t be bigger than the nail of his thumb. His eyes were burning and his heart seemed to have stopped as he stood before it, feeling the strange tingling sensation in his fingertips. Slowly he reached for the crystal and when he touched it, he felt a pleasant warmth spread from his fingers, to his arm and then through his entire body. He couldn’t help himself. Quickly he closed his hand around it and lifted it off the display holding it in place. It was _his_! Or at least it felt like it was. His and his alone. It was as  if an invisible bond between himself and this crystal had been established and it terrified him beyond anything he had ever experienced. How could anyone be this attracted to an inanimate object! It was just a thing after all! And yet... to Morap it felt like he had found something that had been missing from his body – no, his soul! His very being seemed to tremble as he looked down at the crystal in his hand. It was cold and yet warm at the same time and it fit snugly in there like nothing ever had. Not even the pencils he used to draw with. They were an extension of his hand, but this thing felt like more. He felt like this thing, and he couldn’t even begin to explain or even understand it, might lead him somewhere else.

Suddenly there was an emptiness inside him, which made him ache for more, though he didn’t know what exactly this _more_ might be. He was afraid. Afraid of the void in front of him _._ Afraid of what was going on, of what was happening to him and yet at the same time, he felt a calm spread through him like he had never felt before. As he heard his mother entering the main room next door and her voice calling out to him, he quickly slipped the hand, which was holding the crystal, into his trouser pocket.

“Morap?”

He slowly made his way towards where her voice was coming from. She was standing at the table, her swollen belly barely visible underneath the sweeping dress she was wearing. She was looking down at the drawing he had been working on. It was lying on top of the datapad he should have been looking at before going to the kitchen unit to drink a cup of water. He hadn’t been able to resist looking at the crystal as he had passed his parents’ open bedroom door though. He shouldn’t get as sidetracked as he did, he knew. But he constantly did, and he couldn’t help it.

Nataleeh looked up, as he approached her, a wide smile on her lips. Her dark brown eyes were twinkling, almost mischievously. “You’d better not let your father see that you’ve been drawing again instead of studying. You know how important he thinks it is that you learn about the Empire’s history.” She winked at him and Morap let out a relieved sigh. He was glad that she understood, at least to some extent that he needed to do other things which had nothing to do with his father’s business.

“I’m going to put it away later,” he assured her smiling and holding on tightly to the crystal in his hand. She didn’t know about his interest in the crystal and he wouldn’t tell her either. Not now anyway. Not until he had found out what was going on here. “Can I go outside?” The question was obsolete of course. In the afternoon the children on their base usually met outside and the adults even encouraged this. Exercise, to them, was just as important as formal education.

Nataleeh nodded, picking up the drawing of the Askija herself. “Go ahead, and please say hi to Embee for me, won’t you?”

Nodding, Morap tried to appear as nonchalant as possible as he turned around and made his way to the door. The crystal was still warming the palm of his hand while remaining cool at the same time.

 

            “I’ve got you, rebel scum!” Embee, who was called Mara Blanche by all but him, was barely able to contain a smile, as the bigger girl threw her to the ground. Morap only glanced up quickly, when he felt Embee’s eyes on him. She was grinning broadly now, as always unable to keep a straight face in this game of “Rebels and Warriors” the children on base liked to play. Morap himself had never been particularly fond of this game, but he participated often enough. Two people chose teams and then the two leaders tossed a coin to determine which team was going to represent the Empire and which team the Rebel Alliance. Morap didn’t like these military games, though he’d never say as much to his father, who would be very disappointed if Morap ever said this aloud and the last thing Morap wanted to do was disappoint his father.

            The first round of the game was over and the teams were regrouping on the lawn. Morap heard their excited talk more than he saw them. He wasn’t paying attention to them, just kept sitting there with his back against his favourite tree and looking down at the crystal he was holing in his hands, shielding it from view as best he could. If someone saw him with it, there would be questions, and he didn’t want to talk. He only wanted to look at it. To hold it tight and to feel this strange, ever growing and yet satisfying emptiness inside of him.

            He only looked up, when he heard someone approaching him on light feet. There, standing in front of him, in her white shirt with the dark trousers, every child on base wore, was Embee, her black chin-length hair, tousled by the game. Even though she was three years younger than he was, she usually managed to get him to do things he wouldn’t usually do. She was the only one, apart from his father, who managed to get him to play the other children’s rough games.

            “Don’t you want to come and play with us?”, she asked, her hands on her hips, accusing him of being a spoil sport just by looking down at him.

            Morap shrugged, but held on even tighter to the crystal. “Not today,” he answered and instead of questioning him further, Embee sat down next to him, her criticism apparently forgotten in an istant.

            “What do you have there?”, she asked. Of course she had noticed that he was holding something and of course she wanted to know what it was. Shaking his head, he pressed the hand holding the crystal to his chest.

            “Hey! Kayla! Bendar! Aren’t you guys coming?” Yujeen Cateer, a boy roughly Morap’s age, had turned around to them and was now walking in their direction. Morap sensed that this boy wanted trouble. They had never gotten along, but somehow, today, Morap didn’t feel like confronting him. Not if it meant that he might reveal his secret discovery. Yujeen wouldn’t understand, he’d try to take the crystal away from him! At the very thought Morap felt a knot form in his throat.

            “Just leave us alone!”, Morap told him, when Yujeen was so close that he didn’t have to shout. His father didn’t approve of shouting as means of defence, he knew. He was surprised at how firm his voice was, when he didn’t feel strong or confident at all. But Yujeen didn’t stop. He kept walking towards them and the closer he got, the more Morap felt his heart rate pick up. He jumped to his feet and, ignoring Embee, walked straight towards the forest. He didn’t turn around, just kept walking, past bushes and infinitely high trees. He heard Yujeen call out for, him and started running. He didn’t want to be with the other children, didn’t want their company or their stupid games and most of all, he didn’t want Yujeen to take the crystal from him. The boy was so much bigger than him. So much stronger and so determined to prove himself. To prove to everyone who met him, that he was stronger and more capable than anybody else and Morap hated him not for that, but for being everything Morap was not.

            Only when he felt like his lungs would burst, when he had to fear that the crystal would slip through his sweaty hands, did he stop and with a groan, and collapsed onto the grass. He had never gone this far into the forest, at least not alone, though he felt like he had been in this very place before. Maybe in a dream?

This happened occasionally and he thought that maybe it had something to do with his love for drawing and imagining scenes, even when he was sleeping. He recognized the tall trees, the lush, dark green grass and the purple flowers all around him. He even remembered the sound of the rustling leaves overhead and the feeling of the last rays of sunshine on his skin. Trying to catch his breath, Morap closed his eyes tightly. Trying to find differences with the scene around him and the dream would only cause a violent headache and he didn’t want that. He knew that running away from a potential flight, with nightfall so close at hand, would get him into trouble, but he couldn’t focus on that either.

            Morap took one deep breath. His hair was sticking to his forehead and he brushed it away, feeling the rough edges of the crystal on his skin. He had never experienced the urge to run before. To be alone with something and do absolutely nothing with it. There _was_ nothing you could do with a thing like this one. He swallowed hard and let a wave of empty warmth wash over him and he felt engulfed by something, which seemed to contain everything in his surroundings and something strange and unknown even beyond that, though he couldn’t put a finger on what it was that he felt. There was a sudden weight, pressing down on his chest. A weight, that had no outward appearance. A sadness, mixed with joy he had never felt before. Blinking, he opened his eyes and wasn’t at all surprised to feel tears slide down his cheeks. Barely able to suppress a whimper, he sat up slightly, when he heard footsteps. Embee. Of course. She had followed him, though he couldn’t say for how long he had been lying here.

            Morap let himself fall back into the grass and closed his eyes again.

            “Morap!?” She hadn’t seen him yet. Her voice was full of fear and that was something he couldn’t stand. She shouldn’t be afraid, not when there was no real reason to be.

            “I’m here!”, he called out to her, but didn’t open his eyes. He already heard her crashing through the underbrush and then lie down in the grass not far away from him.

            “What do you have there in your hand?”, she asked softly. “Is that why you ran away?”

            Morap took another deep breath and opened his eyes. He didn’t exactly mind her asking these questions, he didn’t even mind her company. Far from it. She was his best friend, despite their age difference. “Yeah...”, he mumbled and turned around, so he was lying on his stomach. Embeee was lying in the same position, not far away from him, propped up on her elbows, her dark blue eyes almost sparkling in the reddish sunlight. She was smiling encouragingly.

            “Is it a holo?”

            Morap forrowed his brow and pulled his hand forward and when he saw the green glow emanating from inside his hand, his heart missed a beat. His eyes wide open, he stared at the crystal, now glowing brightly green. Suddenly there was a lump in his throat and he was barely able to breathe. How did this happen! Only moments ago the crystal had been clear, and now it was glowing from the inside, bathing his skin in an eerie light and still he didn’t feel the urge to let go, to just let it fall to the ground to be lost amidst the growing grass.

            “May I?” Embee said, seemingly unafraid of what was happening and she stretched out a tentative hand towards the crystal Morap was holding. “What is it?”, she asked breathlessly, gently touching the crystal’s surface with her fingertips and brushing Morap’s hand with hers. He suddenly felt a wave of affection for her and he took her free hand in his as if this was the most natural thing to do. It was, somehow, but this time it was different.

 

 

            “I don’t know,” he whispered. “I’ve never seen anything like it.” His hand held on even tighter to hers and all of a sudden he was unwilling to let go. There was something in this touch he could describe even less than the thing that had happened with the crystal.

            “Where did you get it?” She looked from the crystal to him and raised an eyebrow, suddenly looking a whole lot like her mother, who was his father’s right hand and kept to the rules like few others on base did. Sadrina Kayla was truly one of the most devoted officers in their operation, or at least that was what his father always said. Morap always thought that was because Embee’s father had been killed by the rebels, but he had never asked Embee about what her mother said about Dopheld Mitaka, though Morap remembered his father talking about him with something like pity in his voice. All of this, all of those thoughts about the First Order, the Empire, their operation and the other children on the base, which were so different from Morap, didn’t seem to matter anymore. All that mattered were Embee and her support. And Morap knew that she supported him. Knew it, like he knew that the sun would rise the next day.

            “I want to get married to you, when we grow up,” he said bluntly. “If that’s okay with you.” Saying these words felt weird somehow, but he knew them to be true. She was his friend and moreover she was a girl, and what other conclusion but marriage could there be? For a moment he could almost sense another dream coming, but the feeling vanished as quickly as it had come.

            Embee laughed out loud, showing a gap between her teeth. “Okay,” she said, lowering her hand and leaning over to kiss Morap on the cheek.

            Morap nodded. This was settled then. He looked down at the crystal and gave Embee’s hand a tiny squeeze, when a sudden, deep rumbling noise, made him flinch. His eyes met Embee’s and they both thought the same thing at the very same time.

“Was that...”, she began and Morap nodded again. He quickly got to his feet, stuffing the crystal deep into his trouser pocket. Embee’s hand still clutched in his, he slowly approached the place where the sound had come from. Careful not to break any twigs underneath their feet, they passed the tree line and made their way towards the sound, which was now joined by quiet wailing noises and then there was silence. Morap looked down at Embee and saw immediately that she was just as nervous as he was, though neither of them was willing to go back to their clearing. This might be the chance of a lifetime. Morap could already see the shimmering tail and he’d be damned if he walked away now. His heart beating wildly in his chest, he crouched down on the forest floor, Embee next to him doing the very same thing and together they crawled closer to the place where the sounds were coming from. Ahead of them, their view obscured by lush, deep green ferns, they could see the Askija, its head and tail the only bodyparts protruding from the crack in the rough wall of stone, which stretched around their part of the valley in an almost perfect semi circle.

Morap had never seen one of them this close before and he stared at it with his mouth open. Embee’s hand lay lightly in his now and he knew, that she was staring at the creature with the same fascination as he was. The Askija, he knew, could be dangerous. He had seen it catching prey before, after all. But this one wasn’t dangerous. He knew that much, though he didn’t know how. Somehow, all of a sudden, the world seemed to have come into sharper focus, and he was more aware of his surroundings than ever before.

The green and blue specimen in front of them laid down it’s pointed head on the soft grass and suddenly a wave of hot, smelly air hit Morap’s face, as it sighed on contentment. It’s purple eyes blinked in the sunlight, before it opened its sharp beak with its pointed teeth and yawned loudly. Only now did Morap see that the pointed end of the snout around the nostrils was covered in glistening scales, which were obscured by more and more silky feathers the further the skin stretched out towards the eyes. Morap was sure that he had never seen anything as beautiful in his life and was just about to whisper this observation into Embee’s ear, when three minute creatures came crawling from underneath the Askija’s wing, screeching in shrill voices, their white scales and feathers shimmering brightly in the sun. Morap clasped a hand over his mouth to stop himself from gasping. It was a female! A female, circling the valley and their base every night and bringing up its young in this very place.

Morap quickly glanced at Embee, when one of the young tried to jump over one of its siblings, but its feet caught on the other Askija’s snout and it fell face down into the grass. Barely able to hold back the laughter, Morap bit down on his lower lip.

The mother’s head snapped to attention and Morap felt a sudden cold wash over him, when he heard the snapping of twigs behind him. The person hadn’t reached them yet, but whoever it was, would do so very soon. “Morap!”

The boy flinched and jumped to his feet, pulling Embee with him, and slowly made his way backwards, as the Askija’s eyes suddenly darted into their direction. Morap felt his heart sink and he quickly pushed Embee behind him. It was as if time had stopped. As though the universe had ceased to move around them and a trembling, unlike anything he had ever experienced took hold of him, as the Askija slowly made its way out of the cave, protecting its young with its body and apparently sensing the danger the intruders posed. Morap’s breath quickened and he felt Embee stumble, behind him, as his father crashed through the underbrush.

Meelan Bendar’s face was flushed, glistening with sweat and his eyes were focused on the creature approaching the children with a blood curdling snarl, her sharp teeth bared, the eyes sparkling with something, which made Morap want to turn around and run. Before he knew what was happening, before he could act, the Askija was crouching down low, ready to pounce and attack with its knifelike claws, when a bright red beam of light broke through the air, hitting the Askija right between the eyes. It collapsed without a sound on top of its young. Morap let out a scream of protest, as he felt like a rip had just gone through his very soul, cutting so deep, that it was as if the laser beam had just sliced through his very being, forcing him to crush the tiny beings beneath him.

Hot tears were streaming down his face, as his father’s hand whirled him around on the spot, forcing him to look into the face of the man he never wanted to disappoint. An icy fury seemed to take hold of Morap. Didn’t his father feel it? This emptiness? This terrible nothing, stretching out in front of them.

 “Are you alright?” Meelan’s eyes were wide and even though Embee was quietly sobbing next to Morap, Meelan only had eyes for his son.

No, would have been the honest answer. No, he wasn’t alright. His father had just killed one of the most beautiful creatures in the galaxy, forcing its heavy body to crush the innocent which it had meant to protect from an enemy it had no chance of defeating. “Let go...”, he whispered, unable to focus on his father’s face and trying to break free of his father’s iron grip.

“Morap!” Meelan’s hands were both on his shoulders now, shaking his son with a force, which made Morap stumble. Morap looked at the ground, unable to look his father in the eye. He had killed. Killed, when it could have been avoided.

Sighing, Meelan finally let go of him and the silence growing between them, only underlined the sudden quiet in the forest. The lack of high pitched screeching.

“Are you alright, Mara Blanche?” His father’s voice was soft, but Morap heard the tension he was trying to cover up.

A quiet sniffling sound, was all the answer Meelan needed.

“General!?” A panicky woman’s voice reached them, before black, muddy boots entered Morap’s field of vision.

“They’re okay, Captain,” Meelan said, his hand still holding Morap’s arm as if he’d never again let his son go.

From the corner of his eyes Morap saw his father pat Embee’s cheek, before her mother fell to her knees in front of the girl to wrap her tightly in her arms. “We’ve been looking for you forev- Oh my... General?”

Morap slowly lifted his head to see Captain Kayla’s eyes widen in shock as she spotted the dead animal. Morap quickly looked down at the ground again. At his father’s boots amid the green grass, which should have been splattered with blood. He could still smell the ozone from the laser beam in the air. Could still feel the rumbling within the depths of the forest. The darkness creeping up on him.

“We should take them home,” Meelan said, his voice firm. “It’s getting dark.” He straightened up again and put his hand on Morap’s shoulder. Morap felt Embee’s eyes on him, but he didn’t look up again to meet her gaze. He couldn’t. He didn’t want her to see him cry like a baby.

The walk back to the base didn’t take as long as Morap would’ve thought it would, though the weight of his father’s hand on his shoulder made him wish it were already over. He couldn’t even look up at this man, who had surely saved his life, but had also destroyed other lives in the process without even the slightest sign of hesitation. Without even sparing a second to think about the consequences of what he was doing. As inconspicuously as possible Morap wiped his teary eyes with the sleeve of his shirt, which was now smudged with grass stains and earth. He couldn’t hold back a suffocating sob, when the grey building came into view and his father stopped in his tracks.

“See you tomorrow, Morap!” Embee’s voice wasn’t as cheerful as usual, but it made Morap look up nonetheless. She was smiling slightly at least. That was something, he thought, but her mother grabbed her firmly by the arm, pulling her towards the side door leading to the living quarters of officers.

Morap lifted a hand, waving unenthusiastically at her. He was sure, that he wouldn’t be allowed to see her for a while. When the door had closed behind them, he finally managed to force himself to look up at his father again. His face was still wet with tears, but he didn’t mind.

“What were you thinking?”, Meelan said quietly, and the calm tone of voice was harder to take than outright anger. His father was very good at this sort of thing. At making him feel bad without raising his voice even a bit.

“I-“ How could he even begin to explain? About the crystal? About his curiosity? Morap shoved his hands into his trouser pockets and shrugged. “I was just curious, that’s all.”

“Curious...” Meelan snorted disapprovingly. “Do you even realize what could’ve happened out there? To you? To Mara Blanche?”

“Embee and me would’ve been fine if you hadn’t shown up!” There it was again. This anger fighting the resignation and he couldn’t hold it back any longer. “You killed her! Her and her babies!”

He could see his father fight for countenance, could see the nostrils flare, but for once he didn’t care.

“Why couldn’t you just-“

“Morap!” His father’s sharp voice cut through the air, freezing Morap in place. His eyes were as cold as Meelan had never seen them before and he fell silent, though his hands were trembling in his pockets. “I don’t want you to do this ever again! You endangered yourself, but also someone else without any need! One of your friends on top of that!”

All of a sudden all tension left Morap’s body and he slumped back against one of the trees. He just couldn’t stand upright anymore. His knees felt weak and he slid down the rough bark, sitting down on the grass, which was cold and damp by now. But he didn’t care. Not one bit. He shrugged. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, though he wasn’t. Not really. He wasn’t sorry about running off. Not sorry about getting a chance to discover this strange thing about the crystal he was still holding.

As his father knelt down in front of him, Morap looked up again, and when he saw that his father’s eyes had softened somewhat, he felt tears pricking behind his own again. Of course he knew, that his father had only meant to protect him and Embee. He hadn’t had time to consider the fact that he might kill the Askija’s children in the process of saving his own son.

“Good.” Meelan said, nodding. His voice had become somewhat softer as well. “Why did you run off anyway?”

Morap shrugged, unable to tell his father that he had stolen his mother’s  crystal as well. “Embee and I wanted to play on our own.” It was a lie, but he could live with that.

Sighing, Meelan sat down next to Morap and put an arm around his son’s shoulders. “I was really worried about you, you know?” Morap nodded slightly, unable to say anything in response. “But I must say I’m kind of glad that Mara Blanche is such a good friend to you. Even after today she wants to see you again tomorrow.”

Morap looked up at his father, but before he could ask, Meelan had shaken his head.

“No, you’re not going outside for the rest of the week, my boy. You’re not getting rewarded for what you’ve done today. You can’t just run off into the forest to play with your friend, as you should very well know.” Meelan was directly looking at him, and though his expression was stern, there was a softness in his eyes, which made Morap’s insides clench.

“She’s not just my friend!” Morap declared. “I’m going to marry her one day!”

Meelan’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I’m sorry, what?”

“You heard me!” Morap said decidedly and nodding to underline what he had just said. “She’s the best and I love her!”

The light chuckle coming from his father was the last thing he had expected and Morap wrinkled his brow in response. His father was laughing at him! That was beyond unfair! “Don’t laugh!”, he said angrily.

Meelan ruffled his hair and pulled him closer, his strong arm almost choking him. “You’re nine years old! Don’t make promises, you don’t know you can keep.”

“I’m almost ten!” Morap protested. “I know what I’m doing.”

His father laughed quietly. “Of course you do.”


	8. Finn

Poe’s eyes were focused on the instrumentations in front of him. “Okay,” he said, “we should be getting there in a couple of minutes.”

            Finn nodded and, sliding his hand over Poe’s back, sat down in the copilot’s chair, where he never had anything to do but watch his partner fly the ship look out the viewscreen. The trip had taken roughly three days, since Birken Six was so far away from Chandrila. The planet was on the outskirts of the Outer Rim, far away from trading routes, but infinitely close to the Unknown Regions, from whence the First Order had emerged all those years ago. It made Finn feel uncomfortable even thinking about this, but of course he knew, that this proximity to First Order territory and the distance from the New Republic would have made Birken Six a perfect target for the Order’s recruiting missions. Finn still wasn’t comfortable with the idea of going looking for his family, especially since this trip might actually lead him to them. He still couldn’t quite belief Kes Dameron had never spoken up until now, but he was grateful that he had kept his silence for almost ten years now. In fact, he wished he had kept his suspicions to himself. Finn felt a lump rise in his throat just thinking about Birken Six. What in the name of all the stars had he been thinking, when he had agreed to this trip? His feelings hadn’t changed; he didn’t want to find a family he had no connection to whatsoever. Finding them would only make things even more complicated and he didn’t need this feeling of belonging he knew Poe had on Yavin Four. He belonged with Poe. What else _did_ he need, really? He was so sure, that his life, just as it presented itself right now, was perfect in every sense. He was working in a field he loved, had a close circle of friends and was about to embark on the next stretch of life with Poe at his side.

            But of course Poe had insisted. Finn should have known that he would, as soon as Kes had told his son about his old friend from the days of the Rebel Alliance. Poe was too much in love with his idea of what family life should be that he’d want Finn to find his as well. Even if it was with perfect strangers. But then again, they might not find them at all. Maybe, with a bit of luck, they had moved away from Birken Six to an unknown location years ago. Maybe they had never lived there at all.

            “What are you thinking about?” Poe’s voice dragged him out of his reverie and Finn, trying to look as relaxed as possible, leaned back in his chair.

            “Nothing,” he answered quietly. This was most likely the only problem they had in their relationship. Those things they never spoke about. It wasn’t like they were keeping secrets from each other. Poe knew about Finn’s issues with the idea of a family in his past and Finn’s unwillingness to undergo Skywalker’s Jedi training, just like Finn knew about Poe’s constant nightmares. Over the years those had become fewer and fewer, but recently it had happened more often. Finn always woke up when Poe thrashed around in his sleep and quite often he was able to calm his sleeping partner down without waking him up, but he had been unable to do so these last couple of weeks. Almost every night Poe woke up, seemingly unaware of the fact that Finn was awake as well, and he got up and spent almost half an hour in the bathroom. The retching sounds coming from there, along with the fact that Poe had lost  a lot of weight recently, made Finn uneasy. Poe wasn’t doing well at all. The nightmares had been there for as long as Finn could remember, but the constant worry about his father must make things almost impossible for Poe to take. That was exactly why Finn hadn’t been able to say _no_. The move to their new house had kept Poe busy, but then the thing with Beebee-Ate had happened and somehow things had started to go downhill again. If Poe needed to do something that might keep his mind occupied and his thoughts far away from nightmares and worries, then it had to be done. Even if it meant doing the thing Finn wanted to do least of all. And maybe, after they had discovered that Finn’s family was not to be found, he and Poe could start talking about the things they didn’t say aloud. Maybe he, Finn, might even find the courage to talk to Poe about the Force and the things that made him feel uneasy about it.

            Poe nodded. “Okay,” he said. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’m really looking forward to meeting them.”

            Finn held back a sigh. Poe’s optimism in this respect was nerve wrecking, but Finn wouldn’t have dreamed of complaining. It wasn’t exactly that Poe had been pessimistic about his future recently, or even appeared unhappy, but Finn knew that something was eating away at Poe and discouraging Poe in any way wouldn’t help either of them. “I know you are,” he answered instead, before deciding to humour him. “Maybe they won’t even be half bad. I could live with that.” It wouldn’t be bad anyway, but he still wasn’t sure about all of this.

            “Maybe...”, Poe said. “I don’t see how they could be with you as their son, or brother, or whatever. Hey, maybe your parents, or at least one of them is Force sensitive.”

            This had occurred to Finn as well, but he wasn’t really looking forward to finding out. “What if they are? Would you want me to start Jedi training?” He saw Poe shudder and knew that Poe wouldn’t want that. His experience with Kylo Ren must have been beyond terrible, even if he did trust Finn more than he trusted anyone else and Finn couldn’t blame him. Poe’s experiences with the Force had been terrible, though he was fully aware, that at least Rey and Skywalker could achieve great things with its help.

            “It would be your choice, wouldn’t it? I mean, you haven’t pursued the ways of the Force until now, but maybe meeting a blood relative who is also sensitive to the Force might make you want to do it anyway. What I think, or feel doesn’t matter.” Poe turned his head to look at him, finally pulling his eyes away from the instrumentations in front of him. His lips were curved into a barely visible, but honest smile. “I mean it.”

            Snorting Finn shook his head. “I know you do, but what you think or feel matters a lot to me. That’s why we’re here, isn’t it?”

            “That’s not what I meant-“

            “I know. Still. I have no idea what’s going to happen, but let me tell you that I made my choice and I’m not going back on it. I have no idea, why I would even want to train these abilities I might have. Getting feedback from certain people at certain times is more than enough to handle. I don’t want any of that mumbo jumbo of reading other peoples’ minds or lifting speeders off the ground without even touching them. No, thank you.”

            Poe didn’t answer immediately, but reached over the centre console to put a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “Still... if that mumbo jumbo was the thing you wanted to do for the rest of your life, I’d be okay with that.” He didn’t sound entirely convinced, but Finn knew that Poe was being perfectly honest with him. Poe would stay with him and might even find a way to live with Finn’s Jedi training. But that was beside the point. As far as Finn was concerned, it would never come to that. It would ruin the life they had now. He wouldn’t be living in their new house with Poe. He wouldn’t be able to find the time to be as much with Poe as he wanted and start that family he had been secretly dreaming of. Poe had always been great with children and Finn couldn’t wait to see how great he’d be with a child of his own. Finn had even started to look at facilities they’d need to consult once they had decided on this course of action.

            The display in front of them started blinking and Poe focused his attention back on the instrumentations. “Okay, hold on tight.”

            The ship shuddered and the stars in front of them returned to their normal shape, as they slid out of hyperspace and Finn’s heart rate picked up almost at the same moment. This was it, the planet where they would start looking for his parents. As soon as his eyes fell on the red and blue planet beneath them, he felt a sense of foreboding creep up on him, a slight tingling on his skin at the back of his neck. Something was wrong, and it had nothing to do with the family he didn’t want to find.

            The _Pinn_ , the small ship Poe had received for services to the Republic after the end of the war, moved quickly through the planet’s atmosphere, heading towards the coordinates where the settlement was supposed to be.

            “Poe, is something going on down there?”

            With a frown on his face, Poe turned to look briefly at Finn. Birken Six was a minor mining outpost so far away from most trading routes, that it was considered a miracle for the settlement on the southern part of the planet’s biggest continent, to have survived these last couple of years. The operation had been set up after the Galactic Civil War by Rebel veterans. So far Kes Dameron’s intel had been correct. There shouldn’t be anything wrong out here however. Nothing at all. The settlement was too unimportant, too small to be considered of value by anyone, so why would there even be trouble.

            “Let me check...” Poe said, turning to a small set of instruments and after typing in some brief commands, the display embedded in the viewscreen showed abnormally high activity and heat signatures. “What the-“

            Ahead of them the mining outpost they were flying towards, they could see smoke rising from the one huge warehouse which could be made out. Finn’s heart sank, as he spotted the oval shaped ship hovering above the small town like a spider waiting to strike for the deathblow. Its laser cannons opened fire at the houses scattered around a cobbled town square and when Finn saw the people fleeing from their houses, away from the fire and the destruction, he saw shuttles emerge from the ship’s hangar and felt a lump rise in his throat. “Poe, that’s the ship that was stolen a couple of days ago...”, he whispered, as Poe decelerated.

            Poe nodded briefly. “I know...” His voice was calm, but Finn saw his hands fly over the consoles. The _Pinn_ was a mere passenger ship, not built for battle, but for civilian travel. Still Poe had some modifications made to their transport. Weapons however, were not part of that. “This is Commander Poe Dameron of the Republic’s Navy”, he said, his voice decisive and cool, after he had turned on the Comm to send out a distress signal. “I am on Birken Six aboard the _Pinn_. We have encountered the _Endeavour_ attacking a mining outpost. I repeat, we have encountered the _Endeavour_ on Birken Six!”

            “Poe, shouldn’t we get out of here?” It was a miracle they hadn’t been discovered yet, but now, that Poe had sent a transmission to the next planet in the Republic, the crew about the _Endeavour_ was bound to notice them.

            “Yeah, we should.” Poe pressed his lips tightly together. The _Pinn_ was neither a fast, nor a very manoeuvrable ship and Finn knew, just by looking at Poe that they were in trouble. As the _Pinn_ turned around to speed away from the assault on the village, as Finn felt his heart drop and his body being pressed into the seat, when he thought of the people down there they couldn’t help, their ship jerked forward and Finn was being catapulted out of his seat, unable to break his fall. With a muffled groan, he hit his head hard on the copilot’s console and he slid to the floor.

            “Finn!” The panic  in Poe’s voice was unmistakeable, but Finn knew that Poe couldn’t focus on him now.

            “I’m fine, just get us out of this.” He scrambled to his feet, his hand flying to his temple. The sticky, warm substance on his skin made him flinch. This couldn’t be happening! How could they have ended up in this situation?!

            “Sit down and fasten your seat belt! We’ve been hit.”

            Finn blinked, slumping down on the chair and doing as he was told. Not only had they been hit, they were tumbling towards the ground and Poe was doing his best to keep the crash as controlled as possible. The dark red earth was drawing ever closer and so were the houses of the settlement they had been about to turn their back on. “Poe! What are you doing!?” Finn’s breath caught in his chest and he had to force himself to keep his eyes open, as their ship raced towards the ground.

            “All I can!” Poe said through gritted teeth and pulling up as much as possible. They were so close to the town now, almost level with the roofs of the houses. Finn’s fingers dug into to armrests and he felt all muscles in his body tense up, as they flew over the last of the houses. Humans and other sentient beings assembled on the town square, dashed to the side, but Finn couldn’t help but feel the slight tremor going through the ship as they hit someone despite Poe’s best efforts.

            “HOLD ON!” Poe’s voice echoed through his head as the _Pinn_ touched down on the ground and Finn pressed his eyelids tightly together, unwilling to see what was going on in front of them. He felt the impact of the ship hitting one of the biggest buildings in every bone of his body, felt the seatbelt cut into his chest and waist, felt his head being thrown forward and heard Poe’s muffled groan. But he was alright. Poe was alright. Finn felt it deep within him. Even though he had never wanted to be able to feel it, he was glad that he felt it now. The ship had come to a complete stop and breathing heavily, Finn’s eyes snapped open. The cockpit was dark, except for the warning lights flashing in front of them, the rubble of the building they had hit, blocking out every ray of sunshine that might have penetrated the viewscreen otherwise. The frontal shields had saved him and Poe, though Finn didn’t even want to think about who they might have hurt when they hit the building. With trembling hands he unfastened his seatbelt and jumped to his feet, immediately feeling how dizzy he was. But Poe was more important. Poe, whose eyes were still closed.

            “Poe...”, Finn murmured, kneeling down next to him, his hand on Poe’s arm. “Babe, are you okay?” Despite Finn’s knowledge that Poe was perfectly fine, his eyes scanned Poe for any visible external injuries. Nothing. Poe breathing was steady, even though it was more than shaky. “I’m okay...”, Poe whispered, opening his eyes and looking directly at Finn. His pupils looked normal and Finn let out a relieved sign.

            “I know,” he said quietly. “We should get out of here.” There was nothing they could do for anyone, not even themselves if they remained in here. He heard the noise of laser beams hitting their surroundings, could hear the shouts of people holding their own against an enemy they had no chance of holding off.

            With shaking hands, Finn made to undo Poe’s seatbelt, when, all of a sudden a painful und irritating burst of laughter broke out of his throat. It shook him to the core, broke out of him and he was unable to hold it back.

            “Finn!” Poe’s hands were on his cheeks, thumbs gently brushing his skin. “Calm down.” Neither his voice, nor his touch were able to help Finn achieve that. His insides hurt like something had just hit him so hard across the chest that he was sure he would break from the pain of it. His mind was racing. All of this was happening so fast. Way too fast and there was nothing they could do but run out of here and get thrown into this battle that didn’t concern them at all. It was as if the war had never ended. As if seven years ago nothing of significance had happened and all he could to was laugh, because the alternative was unthinkable.

            “Our second crash, huh?” Finn shook his head, freeing himself from Poe’s grasp. The reference to the first time they had met, to the flight from the _Finalizer_ and their spectacular crash in a stolen Tie-Fighter, was the only thing with which he could even begin to explain what was going on with him. “I’m fine,” he said, breathing heavily and forcing himself to hold in the inappropriate and mirthless laughter. “I’m sorry.”

            Poe nodded, his brown eyes wide. “Don’t be,” he answered and his voice was just as calm as it had been, when he had sent the alert to the Republic. His face, however, showed all too visibly that he was just as shocked by what had happened, as Finn was. “Our last crash was a bit more theatrical, though. Plus, you got my jacket out of the last one. You’re not getting mine this time.” Poe laughed breathlessly, grabbed Finn’s face again and pressed his lips against Finn’s.

            So this was it? A last kiss, before it could all be over? Finn felt the ship shudder around them, as it was hit by what must have been salvos fired from blasters, but the only thing he was focusing on was Poe. Poe’s lips on his, the feeling of Poe’s warm breath on his skin, Poe’s hands on his cheeks. Finn moved closer to Poe, returning the kiss with an urgency, which made his heart beat so fast, Finn felt like it might just about burst out of his chest.

            All too soon, Poe ended the kiss and took Finn’s hand. “Let’s go,” he said huskily and the look in his eyes told Finn, that he was just as scared of what was waiting for them outside.

            They had brought blasters, but they were nothing more than small arms, and Finn would have felt better with a proper blaster gun in his hands. But this was all they had to protect themselves with and they’d be lucky to do even that. He was standing next to Poe, trying not to look at the bed they had both slept in, the blanket not as neatly tucked beneath the mattress as Poe liked. Finn had done it, not caring about how it looked, but now he wished he had done it properly, just to please Poe. But now it was too late.

 Poe looked at him one last time before stepping forward, blaster in hand, and overriding the door lock, which had sealed itself upon impact. As the ramp crashed to the ground, the hydraulics apparently badly damaged by the impact, Finn’s breath caught in his chest. It was as if they were truly back fighting the war they had not fought in seven years. He pushed past Poe, towards the smell of ozone in the air, of smoke, burning buildings, towards the noise of screams, whirring laser beams and screams of wounded. There were so many people out there! More than they had seen when they had crashed into that building. All of them armed with blasters and firing at the attackers. Finn’s eyes roamed over the people not in uniform, the people putting up a fight. Not five feet from him, an older man toppled over, a sizzling, black hole in his back. Finn’s pulse had slowed down, as a routine, he had almost forgotten, kicked in. He immediately turned around, blaster tightly in his hands, his eyes on those coming from the shuttles, storming towards them. The only chance they had, was to get away from here as quickly as possible. But where to? They had no chance of escaping, he knew, not with their ship nothing more than a wreck and it was unlikely they’d get away from here aboard another ship with the _Endeavour_ hovering threateningly above them.

            As Finn pulled the trigger for the first time in seven years, he felt his heart contract painfully. He had hit an enemy, whose face he couldn’t see. But these weren’t Stormtroopers, or at least they didn’t look like them. Not entirely anyway. This wasn’t as painful as it had been during the war, he realized, and, as Poe stood next to him, firing simultaneously with him. Moving with their backs towards the inhabitants of Birken Six, they slowly made to get away from the soldiers. From the corner of his eyes, Finn saw a woman, whose swollen belly made it hard for her to even move, stand up behind a toppled over crate firing at the attackers, behind her an elderly woman, trying to bandage up a younger man’s arm, while the blaster fire heated up the air around them. The obviously pregnant woman turned to look at Finn, and, as their eyes met, just for a second, Finn felt something tug at something deep within him, stirring something he hadn’t felt since he had first met Poe, but utterly different and then a green bolt of laserfire, hit her straight in the chest, toppling her over. Before Finn could react, before he even fully realized what had happened, he felt a burning, almost mindwrecking pain emanating from his arm, as he himself was thrown backwards.

            “FINN!” Poe’s face was over his, his dark hair in stark contrast to the light blue, almost whitish background of the sky above him, before Finn even knew that he had crashed to the ground, thrown backwards by the force of the shot that had hit him. He didn’t even hold his blaster anymore, he realized. All the wind had been knocked out of his lungs and he struggled to normalize his breathing again, while Poe examined his arm as best he could.

            “It’s fine. Nothing a bit of bacta couldn’t put right.” Poe sounded relieved, but Finn knew that they most likely wouldn’t have a chance to get his wound looked after.

            Finn nodded anyway, unable to speak and only now did he realize that the firing had stopped. He turned his head, looking for the woman he had seen not two minutes ago, but he was unable to find her again. Black boots entered his field of vision and he knew, what would come next, even before he heard the words.

            “Get up. Hands over your heads. You’re coming with us.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have had some trouble focusing on this story, and I am really sorry. I'm still working on it, though! I am currently writing chapter 12 and I gave chapter 9-11 to my beta reader today and I hope I'll be able to upload chapter 9 some time next week. Thank you guys for reading!


	9. Who he is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you guys! Thanks for sticking with this story! I’m almost done writing. There are only a couple of chapters and the Epilogue left to write and I must say that I feel kind of sad about that. I really love writing this story and getting to explore those characters together with you and of course with AuroraLynne, whose contributions make me want to sit down and write every day. I mean, her drawings are sitting right in front of me at this very moment! 
> 
> Anyway… thank you for reading and special thanks to my friend Caro, who is one hell of a beta!

Ever since they had arrived here they’d had breakfast and dinner together as often as possible. The droids preparing the meals had been an extravagance he had allowed himself to have, because these times, set aside for him to spend with his family, were more valuable than he could say and he tried to be with them as often as possible. Of course there were times, when he couldn’t get away from the office on time for dinner, when he had to work late or even be off world for a certain amount of time to meet with people who could protect him and his operation from the Republic. It wasn’t as if the Republic had any authority on this world, or any other from which they procured their goods, but they needed to trade for some essential effects they couldn’t get produced. For those items, they needed business contacts even within the Republic and that meant that he sometimes had to go off world for negotiations, sometimes even with his contact within the Senate and those trips could be counted among the most dangerous ones. At least, until now, they had been able to remain hidden, and they just needed to stay as much in hiding as possible. Their operation was too small, too insignificant to even matter to the Republic, but that also meant that they had no chance of standing up to the Republic’s military, if it ever came to that. Meelan wasn’t even entirely sure that was what he wanted anymore. If they ever, for some inscrutable reason, came to power again, he’d have to give up those rare times he got to spend with Morap, Nataleeh and their unborn child.

            Somehow he didn’t want things to become like that though. He had gotten used to having his family around and the more time he spent with them, the more impossible it seemed to him to ever abandon this fulfilling lifestyle. Of course, there were disadvantages to hiding and setbacks occurred almost every day, but those things never managed to diminish the joy he got out of being with his wife and son every day. Even after this week, in which he had experienced the most horrible day in his entire life, he felt deep inside that he wouldn’t exchange this moment for all the Empire’s glory.

He looked up from the data he had been going over on his datapad without really taking anything in. How could he possibly concentrate on the amounts of spice they had been sent that day. He knew from previous studies that the profit they’d get out of selling this batch of the drug on various planets in the galaxy, would be enough to keep them going for a month or so and may even buy them some much needed technical supplies. He had never approved of drugs like these, but selling them had kept them all fed so far, especially since his contact in the Senate seemed to be especially fond of the kind of spice they were able to procure. But for now, none of that mattered. All that mattered was his family. Nataleeh, sitting in a chair by the window, her legs tucked underneath her, was looking out of the window, as if she were looking out for the Askija, which would never appear in the night sky again. Meelan had not regretted killing the beast and its young. Morap had been in danger, and though he understood his son’s distress, he hadn’t addressed the topic again. He knew that Morap understood why it had happened and that the incident was merely a consequence of his actions. But still... Meelan had never punished his son for stepping out of line before. This was new. Confining his son to their living quarters was something he had never thought he’d have to enforce, but Morap needed to appreciate that he’d have to have some privileges taken from him for endangering not only himself, but also one of his playmates, whom he very well might one day command. That, at least, was Meelan’s wish, though he felt that Morap might not be up to the task, just like Meelan’s brother had never been made to serve the Order. But then again, their operation was different from the Order in some way and maybe Morap might even outgrow his sensitivity. Maybe. One day.

An exaggerated sigh from the table made Nataleeh look up and meet his gaze. She raised an eyebrow, asking him to take care of their son. Meelan nodded ever so slightly, put down the datapad and got up. He could see Morap sitting behind Nataleeh’s chair at the table, his hair as untidy as ever and his head bent low over the datapad in front of him. As Meelan walked past Nataleeh, he stroked her belly, which had grown enormously within the last week, though as of yet he still had to feel their unborn child move. Nataleeh grabbed his hand and quickly pressed it against her lips, before letting go of him and gently nudging him in the direction of their son. Morap had been confined to their family’s rooms these last couple of days and as far as Meelan knew, he hadn’t tried to sneak out once. Morap wasn’t the kind of boy who’d test his limits and disobey rules. That was exactly why Morap running off into the forest and dragging Mara Blanche with him was so atypical for him and the fact that he had scared Meelan out of his wits. Punishing his son by grounding him, was the only thing he could think of to make Morap think about what he had done. Personally, he had never thought he’d be this mild with his son. Ever. He wasn’t a short-tempered man exactly, but he was fully aware that he was as harsh as he needed to be to survive. He felt like he was pampering Morap, but he couldn’t help himself. It was like he was a different man, the moment he stepped through the door of their family’s apartment. Somehow he was glad that he was.

As he approached Morap, his son grabbed a fistful of his hair and sighed again. Meelan put his hands on the boy’s shoulders and peered over his head at the text Morap was reading. Meelan and a couple of other First Order officers had been able to save the Academy’s textbooks and other books from the Order’s and the Empire’s archives after they had been forced into exile. The books were used in the lessons the children on base received from various officers, but Meelan knew that, while Morap was a good student, he wasn’t particularly interested in history and right now Morap was reading a historic record on the Empire’s beginnings and the emerging of the Rebel Alliance.

“What’s wrong?” Meelan asked and sat down next to Morap, who looked up to meet his father’s gaze with tired, reddish eyes. How long had he been reading? Meelan felt a sudden twinge in his chest. Had he been too harsh? But how else was Morap to understand the gravity of what he had done?

Morap pulled a face and looked down at the datapad in front of him with a resigned shrug. “Nothing.” But it didn’t sound or look like it was nothing at all.

“Morap...”, Meelan said quietly and he sent out a silent thank you to Nataleeh, as she got up and went to their bedroom to give them some privacy. “I know, you’re probably still mad at me because of what happened, but you can still talk to me, you know?”

Morap sighed again and shook his head. “I’m not mad at you,” he said, as he crossed his arms on top of the table and turned his head to stare out the window. “I know why you did it and why I’m stuck in here and that’s fine.” Meelan hadn’t expected this. Morap was clever, of course, but Morap was only nine years old after all. Shouldn’t he be angry? Why wasn’t he?

Morap shifted uncomfortably in his chair and it seemed like he really wanted to get something off his chest. For a moment it seemed to Meelan like he would finally say, why he had left the base on his own, but then Morap just slapped the back of his hand against the datapad. “This all sounds so picture perfect, doesn’t it?”, he said angrily. “If the Empire was so great, then why did anyone rebel in the first place?”

Meelan raised his eyebrows and knew exactly what would have happened to him, had he dared ask this question at the Academy. He felt eyes trained on him and looked up to see Nataleeh wink at him conspiratorially. She knew her son and she knew him and of course she was aware that he would never, not even under the most dire circumstances employ the Academy’s methods of punishment against his son for asking a perfectly sound question.  Meelan sighed and Nataleeh vanished from view again, her voice softly humming a lullaby in the room next door. She did that occasionally, now that she was pregnant, and it calmed Meelan like he never thought it would. She didn’t even realize that she was doing it and that made Meelan think that she had done it as well when she had been pregnant with Morap, while he, Meelan, had been fighting for the First Order. Did that humming have anything to do with why Morap was so soft in so many ways? Meelan gently brushed through his son’s reddish brown hair.

“Well,” he said. “You have to realize that those records in front of you were written down by the Empire.” It was hard saying this, but he knew that they were true. Of course the Empire portrayed things the way it was most suitable for their purpose. “But of course no government is perfect and there will always be people opposing it, even if it’s a good government bringing order, structure and peace to a chaotic galaxy. The Clone Wars were destructive, but the Empire managed to end this terrible war and needless bloodshed.”

Morap pondered over this for a while, his brow furrowed, but Meelan could tell that his son wasn’t entirely convinced. “But the Republic destroyed the First Order as well, didn’t they? Why, if the Order was supposed to bring about the best government possible?”

Meelan felt his throat get tight. Morap had never questioned the First Order or the Empire before and his son’s doubts really got to him. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be! “Morap...”, he began, before he realized that his hands were clenched into fists. No, this couldn’t happen. Morap deserved the discussion he wanted. He needed to see, needed to understand that living in a world shaped by Emperial and First Order structures was a life worth living. “You are save here, aren’t you? Among the people here? You don’t want strange species here, do you? They can be very dangerous, you know?”

Meelan watched Morap drawing circles on the tabletop with his index finger. Somehow he didn’t think Morap fully understood what his father was telling him.

“I don’t know,” he said quietly. “I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t human. And you do business with other species, don’t you? So they’re part of our lives already, aren’t they?”

Morap grunted dismissively. “Just because we employ them doesn’t mean we can trust them. They’re different from us, so we have to watch out for ourselves in this galaxy. We have to be stronger than they are and we can be. We are. Even the Republic’s new Chancellor Casterfo is human. Even the Republic knows that humans are superior to all other species.”

This argument finally seemed to get through to Morap, who nodded slightly and finally turned to look at his father. To Meelan, it had been the strongest argument for the importance of the restoration of the Empire, when he had been an officer in the First Order. Protecting humans and their obligation to end the chaos spreading through the galaxy. It was their duty, their reason for existing. Of course, when the Order had been destroyed by the Republic, Meelan’s priorities had changed. The only thing he could think of was taking care of his family and that meant getting as far away from the Republic and the Resistance as possible and trying to set up a society in which he and other officers from the Order could live in peace. Meelan got up and went over to the low window sill, on which a couple of old photographs and drawings in beautiful picture frames were sitting. He picked up two of them and carried them over to his son. Sitting down next to Morap, Meelan placed the picture frames on the table in front of his son, pushing the datapad out of the way.

Morap rolled his eyes and looked at his father with a annoyed look on his face. “I know those,” he said complaining and Meelan couldn’t help but smile at the expression on his son’s face.

“I know you do,” Meelan answered. “Still.” He pointed to the older photograph, which had been taken shortly before Meelan had had to leave to fight the Resistance. He hadn’t seen his family after this for a whole year. It showed little Morap on Nataleeh’s arms, his toddler hand resting lightly on his mother’s shoulder and with a smile on his face, which warmed Meelan’s heart even now. “This photo reminded me that I needed to come back to you and get you to safety. You and your mommy.” He smiled lightly. He’d never have called his own mother by that name, she had never been the type for this sort of affection, but Nataleeh was different. Always had been, really. He had only really gotten to know her after the Order’s fall, had gotten to know how well she complemented his own character. He looked at himself in that photograph. At the stern look in his eyes, the barely visible smile, so unlike his wife’s open one and the trust in his son’s eyes. He had been a different man back then, but not entirely different from the person he was now. “The Resistance and the Republic never wanted to be safe, really. They prefer chaos, but that was exactly why I needed to get the two of you out of there. To make sure that you stay safe and free among our own people. We have to stick together.” He gently put an arm around Morap’s narrow shoulders. He needed his son to understand why he did what he did and why upholding the Empire’s ideals was important. Meelan felt his son relax and pulled him closer. “The Empire was destroyed by chaos and we’re all that is left.” Pointing at the second photograph, Meelan pulled his son closer to him. It had been taken some time after they had escaped the Republic, with the help of a self timer function on one of the camera’s they had picked up. The paper for the photograph had been hard to come by, but Meelan knew that Nataleeh preferred printed pictures over digital ones. The picture showed their small family in a moment of something resembling crazy ecstasy. He remembered the staged, playful fight he’d had with his boy shortly beforehand. He was the one holding Morap this time, Morap’s arm wrapped tightly around his neck and this alone showed how close he and his son had become during the time of their exile. Morap, wearing a simple, light blue shirt, his hair as untidy as always, was laughing loudly, pushing his body up, almost losing balance, but fully trusting his mother to keep him upright. His mouth was wide open and Meelan could still hear Morap’s happy laughter. It hadn’t changed much. Nataleeh was standing behind Morap, providing much needed support for her son. Her smile was as beautiful and as intriguing as ever. When he had seen the photograph for the first time, he had been surprised at the look of utter bliss and relaxation on his own face. Somehow losing the war, even if it meant allowing the galaxy to drift back into utter chaos, had brought these moments about and Meelan was glad that he could live in peace with his family now, even if that meant that they’d have to remain in hiding for the rest of their lives. “But we will pull through. Maybe, some day, you will be able to achieve more than I have, but for now I’m happy that we can be together and that you’re safe... unless you decide to run off again, that is.”

Morap scoffed and smiling, he slipped off the chair to wrap his arms around Meelan. Pulling his son close to his chest, Meelan closed his eyes, relishing in his boy’s presence. He would never have thought that anyone could make him as happy as his family did.

“I won’t,” Morap said quietly and let go of him.

“Maybe starting tomorrow, I can take you along every once in a while. I think it might do you some good to understand what we’re doing here.” No, Meelan would not let Morap off the hook that easily. One hug wasn’t enough to soften him up, but he realized that studying books would not be enough to make Morap understand why maintaining their way of life was important. He wanted Morap to follow in his footsteps, even though he knew that Morap would never be like him. Morap had too much of his uncle in him and though Meelan knew that eventually he might be able to force Morap into the roles, Meelan wanted him to fill out, he was unwilling to break him. For one Nataleeh would never forgive Meelan, if he did, but neither would he be able to forgive himself. He had allowed his brother to slip from his grasp and get himself killed and this wouldn’t happen with his son.

Before Morap could answer, Meelan heard Nataleeh clear her throat in the doorway and he turned around to face her. She was leaning in the doorway to their bedroom, her belly protruding into the room like a trophy she was showing off. The view made him smile, but when he saw the stern look on her face as she looked at Morap, he felt his heart sink.

“Has any of you seen my crystal? The one on display on the dresser?”

From the corner of his eye, Meelan saw Morap’s face drain of all colour and he knew immediately that Morap had taken it. Of course Nataleeh knew it as well, or she wouldn’t have asked with this particular intonation.

“Morap?”, he asked, though he didn’t touch Morap this time. He knew that Morap was terrified enough as it was.

With trembling hands, the boy reached into his trouser pocket. “I’m sorry...” Morap said quietly and, as he pulled the hand out of his pocket, Meelan heard that his son’s voice was shaky. “I don’t know what happened... I touched it and it .... I don’t know, I couldn’t let it go...”

If Meelan had been surprised at his son simply taking something off his mother’s dresser, it was nothing compared to what he felt now. His hands were wet with sweat, as he saw that the crystal, which he had procured some time ago on a trip to the Republic to meet with his client, had turned green. He saw Nataleeh raise an eyebrow. She didn’t know what it was. Of couse she didn’t. Meelan himself hadn’t quite believed the smuggler, when he had told Meelan that the clear crystal, barely as big as Morap’s thumb nail, was a kyber crystal, the main part of a Jedi’s lightsaber. Meelan’s mouth had gone dry. He remembered from his own history lessons that the Empire had destroyed most crystals, after the Jedi had betrayed the Republic, but a few had survived the purge. Apparently the trader had told the truth and somehow Morap had managed to activate this one. This could only mean one thing and Meelan didn’t like that one bit.

“Morap, that’s not the crystal, I meant.” Nataleeh’s voice grew angry, but Meelan quickly shook his head and held up his hand to tell her to be quiet.

“No, it’s the same,” Meelan said quietly and he didn’t take his eyes off Morap. His boy had some of those Jedi powers? How could this be? How? And why? Meelan took a deep breath. “It’s fine, Morap,” he said, his own voice shaking with barely suppressed fear. “I don’t think it’s your fault. Go to bed. Please.”

Morap, who had been staring at the tips of his shoes, looked up quickly, to check that his father was serious and Meelan nodded.

“We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

Seemingly unable to believe his luck, Meelan made to grab the crystal, but quickly pulled back his hand and almost stormed off to his tiny bedroom.

Heaving a deep sigh, Meelan looked up to meet his wife’s incredulous gaze.

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to post chapter 10 on Monday ;)


	10. Safe and Sound

**Safe and Sound**

 

He knew this. All of it. The stomping of feet around him, the feeling of binders around his wrists, the pounding of his heart and that icy lump of fear in the pit of his stomach. He remembered those things from the two times he had been captured by the Order and, most of all, he relived them in his nightmares. From the moment he had followed Finn out into the open and he had seen those soldiers, he had known that this couldn’t end well and he recognized the pearly white of the soldiers’ apparel just as Finn must have done.

            Poe did his best to keep his breathing calm, as he was escorted down the shabby corridor by people dressed in white, now stained, uniforms. The black boots and gloves were certainly new, as well as the blasters which were strapped to the soldiers’ backs. They weren’t wearing armour like the Order’s or the Empire’s Stormtroopers, but the utility belt looked eerily familiar and the fact that their faces were concealed by shiny, oval and dome shaped white masks completed the picture. These men and women were employed by someone who either revelled in the Order’s former supposed glory, or, which would be so much worse, people who were trying to uphold what was left of the Republic’s most cunning enemy. The masks didn’t resemble anything that might be a face, they were completely blank, just smooth, partly rounded screens, which didn’t reveal who was staring out of them. The people marching in front, next to and behind him and Finn were obviously humanoid, muscular and well trained in what they were doing.

            No, these people weren’t employed by the First Order. The ship was obviously clean, but shabby and in no way as impressive as the First Order’s Star Destroyers had been. All of this was familiar, but it wasn’t the same. He had to remember that! Had to keep that in mind in order to keep his thoughts focused on the moment, but he couldn’t. Finn was hurt. Poe saw him flinch every time one of the guards touched him and there was absolutely nothing Poe could do to help Finn. This feeling of helplessness was making breathing harder to do than it had ever been. It made every step he took towards the cell, to which the soldiers were undoubtedly leading them, excruciating. Just remembering what awaited them there, made cold sweat pour into his eyes. Those faceless people around him made his insides clench. It had been so long. So long since he had been a captive, since they had sentenced him to death, and he knew that he shouldn’t be feeling this way now. He should be over it, but he wasn’t. Far from it. This time he didn’t have to worry about never seeing Finn again. This time, all he had to worry about was Finn being tortured and killed in front of his eyes, which was so much worse.

            He couldn’t even talk to Finn, who was walking in front of them, and who was separated from him by two Troopers. Poe couldn’t help himself but call them anything else in his mind. Pressing his lips tightly together Poe looked down at his feet, at the worn, grey floor of the corridor. There was blood at the tip of his shoe and he knew that it must be Finn’s.

            What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he stop his hands from shaking? Why was he so terribly weak? So incredibly useless?

            He knew why. Knew exactly what was wrong and why he was feeling this way. And it was his own fault. He had been weak once and had never managed to bring up the strength to fight his way out of this misery and now it was too late. The only thing he could to right now was to try his best and not lose his face.

            During the war, things had been easier. He had never been captured again, had never seen another Stormtrooper up close again. Fighting the First Order in his X-Wing had been the only and most effective way he had been able to fight and that had come back to him fairly easily. This, however, was nearly impossible to bear. His feet imitated the steady rhythm, which was set by the Troopers, and he was unable to control anything around him, not even himself. He didn’t dare close his eyes so as not to be forced to see the empty corridor, the masked men and women surrounding him, or Finn, who was hurt and out of reach. They would separate them, he was sure of that, and when they did, they’d question them. Again. And Poe knew from experience that he’d break. There was nothing he could tell them though. Nothing at all. He was nothing but an instructor now, Finn was a medic. They’d kill them before the day was out. They had seen too much, had been involved in what was going on on that planet and that must be enough for them to try and get rid of them as soon as possible. Poe was terrified at the thought that, back then, he had almost greeted the prospect of dying with a kind of defeated acceptance. Now everything was different. The war was over! This whole thing had been sprung at him out of the blue and there was so much he still needed to do! He needed Finn, their home, their family in his future and not some dark cell and then a strap around his neck after days of torture. His breathing quickened, as they went down a flight of stairs into circle shaped room lined with severral doors. Poe was roughly familiar with the ship’s layout and it struck him as strange that he remembered so much of it at a time like this, when he could barely keep his legs from giving way underneath him. They were standing in front of the half dozen holding cells, which could be found in almost every Corellian freighter of this class and Poe felt a lump rise in his throat as the soldier to his right grabbed him by the arm.

            Poe forced himself to keep his eyes on Finn, though he wished he didn’t have to. Returning Finn’s gaze, as he turned his head to look at him was the hardest thing he had ever done. He had to be strong, but he wasn’t. He was everything but that. Barely able to breathe, he watched as one of the soldiers opened the door to a tiny cell, opened Finn’s binders and pushed him inside. So this was it. The last time he’d see Finn and he couldn’t speak. Couldn’t even reach out to him. He held Finn’s gaze and before he knew, it someone had removed his cuffs as well and he was shoved into the cell right after Finn. Poe stumbled, and, unable to break his fall, he crashed straight into Finn, who encircled him in his uninjured arm, even before the door shut behind them.

            So they put them in the same cell. Let them wait for what was to come together and Poe felt his body tense as Finn pulled him closer. Not even this. He couldn’t even take this embrace, which was meant to calm him down. In this setting it felt alien, strange even and he was shocked at his body’s reaction to this touch which should have been familiar. He shut his eyes tight, tried to calm himself by breathing in Finn’s scent, but the smell of burned flesh hit him like a bat to the head. He should be taking care of Finn now, but how could he, when he wasn’t even able to hold his hands steady.

            “I can’t,” he managed to croak, fighting the tears back down and wishing more than ever before that he could just curl up in Finn’s embrace and try to forget the world. But he couldn’t. Blinking he looked at the cell in which they had been locked up in. He felt the floor tremble beneath his feet as the ship’s engines started to manoeuvre them out of the planet’s orbit. This cell looked nothing like the one in which he had awaited his death sentence, but the smell was familiar. The smell of overly clean air, laden with disinfectant.

            “Poe.” For the first time in a very long time Poe felt this strange something creeping up on him. Like a power out of his control brushing up against his very soul, making him stand stock still.

            Gasping Poe made to turn away from Finn. This was coming from him! Poe had never felt Finn like this before and this strange touch, which vanished as soon as their eyes met, made Poe tremble from head to foot. This was too familiar. Too strange. Too much like that interrogation aboard the _Finalizer_ all those years ago. And all of a sudden it was gone. Finn had pulled back, but that feeling of wanting to be alone more than anything else, and needing all the support he could get at the same time, remained.

            Had Finn asked what was going on, Poe would’ve been unable to provide him with a satisfactory answer. Incapable of making even the quietest of sounds, he slid down the wall and buried his face in his hands, trying desperately to block out the images. Images of shadowy imprints, of being stuck in a cell like this for weeks on end.

            He felt Finn approach him again and before Poe fully realized what was happening, before he could make a conscious decision to open his arms and pull Finn towards him, he held up his hand in rejection and Finn backed off immediately with an almost inaudible sigh. The world around Poe had somehow gone fuzzy and out of focus, as if the struggle within him tried to separate him from this assault of memories.

            Finn sat down a few feet away from him, but for all it was worth he could’ve been on the other side of the galaxy. Poe was frozen in place as images of a time long ago came flooding back, crashing into his mind like waves he couldn’t resist. The man who looked strangely familiar pulling up his gloves to prepare for what was to come. The inside of the faceless mask belonging to the Stormtrooper, who had been sacrificed for Poe’s rescue. Her body as they, Poe and his captor, put her into the body bag, so Poe could take her place and escape. The woman’s face still haunted him, but today, as his mind slowly but surely slipped into darkness, he felt like she was standing behind him, breathing down his neck. Right next to her was Bendar, with that sneer on his lips, which had never vanished. Not even after he had set Poe free to make up for whatever he must have done to his brother.

 

It must have been about half an hour since Poe had sat down and ceased to move. Finn couldn’t quite tell how much time had passed, but he kept his eyes fixated on a spot on the wall opposite. Poe obviously wanted to be left alone and the thought alone was enough to rob Finn of the ability to function normally. Poe wanted to be alone. Of course this had happened before, Poe slipping off into the bathroom to try and calm himself after another one of those frequent nightmares, Poe with that strangely vacant look in his eyes.

            And there was nothing Finn could do to help. The pain in his arm was nothing in comparison to his need to stretch out his hand to try and comfort Poe, who was completely out of reach. _We’re in this together,_ Finn wanted to tell him. _I know what’s going on here. Let me help you._ But Poe had rejected him with a determination, which had not only taken Finn by surprise, but which made him forget about the burning pain. Being pushed away by Poe was more than he could stand. More than he could take, but there was nothing he could do. Nothing at all, except to leave Poe alone. But just seeing Poe there, feeling this certain sense of desperation push towards him in a soundless cry of help made his insides clench in a painful knot. Trying to hold back, cost him all the strength he had, but he knew that Poe didn’t want any physical contact and comfort, though it was obviously exactly what he needed.

            Poe had hidden his face in his arms and Finn could see his body move as he breathed heavily. It was as if he was trying to breathe away what was eating away at him. With a sigh, Finn closed his eyes. If Poe wouldn’t allow him to touch him, he might be more willing to give in to something else. Poe had pulled back the last time Finn had involuntarily tried to reach out to him with a strength he himself had neither been able to calculate nor control. Maybe, if he really tried, tried to focus and was more willing to control what he was doing, Poe would let him in. Swallowing down the knot in his throat, Finn leaned back against the wall and took a deep, shaky breath. He had never thought this time would come, had never expected this to happen, but now he had to accept the thing he had denied for so long. Rey’s insistence on starting training had been easy enough to deny. He had never wanted the Force. It was he who had control of his life, he who decided his fate and not this strange thing, which, according to Rey, controlled the fate of every being in the galaxy. The Force was something he had never wanted to have. Having been controlled by the First Order all his life, experiencing freedom of choice for the first time after breaking free from the Order, had been among the most important things to happen to him in his life and he’d be damned if he gave it up willingly. If it were up to him, the Jedi could do whatever they wanted with their lives, but he didn’t want to be part of what they were doing. He didn’t want anything to do with their training methods. Being controlled by rules he had no power over was the last thing he wanted with his life. When Rey and Skywalker had first told him that he might very well be sensitive to the Force, Finn had been frightened out of his wits, but he had never, not for one second doubted that rejecting the Jedi path had been a bad idea. He saw no benefit in it for him. None at all. The only times he was more or less at peace with the idea of having this strangely intense connection with the Force were on Yavin 4, when he was close to that tree in Kes Dameron’s backyard. It was as if the tree itself was pulling Finn towards him, and the more time Finn spent in the tree’s vicinity, the more at peace and the more connected Finn felt with his surroundings, but never, not for one second had he ever thought of interfering with what and who was around him. Somehow today things had changed. When he had held Poe in his arm for just a brief second and Poe had been unable to respond. Without even thinking about it, he had reached out to his partner. For the first time in his life, he had touched someone not with his body, but with his mind, and it had scared him out of his wits to feel this intense feedback of something which was so utterly Poe, mixed with terror and angst. But maybe, with a bit of gentle prodding, this could turn out to be more. Maybe Poe could calm down a bit, if only he’d realize that Finn intended him no harm.

            Finn forced himself to relax and remember that weird sense of tranquillity he felt around the Force tree. He had no idea if what he was doing was right, or if what he was trying to do here could even work. But it was the only thing he could think of doing. The first thing he felt was a sudden wave of pain, emanating from his arm. But this was nothing. He had been hurt much worse before and this wound, though it required medical attention, was nothing he couldn’t handle. Pushing away this sensation, he gently started reaching out in the dark surrounding him. Seemingly far away from him, he perceived this strange source of warmth, which could only be Poe. Finn recognized it immediately as this raw essence, which consisted of everything Poe was. Generosity. Faith. Life. Anger. And most of all, and perhaps most importantly: Love. Love for justice, for freedom, for everything that was beautiful in this galaxy, for Finn...

The closer he approached however, the more this warmth seemed to retreat into itself, until, all of a sudden Finn felt Poe’s fear like it was his own and, as irrational as it appeared to him, he didn’t stop approaching it. Finn saw him. Saw that officer, whose face seemed familiar, even though he had never seen either him, or his brother, himself. It was as if he were looking at that face through Poe’s eyes and he felt his own heart rate pick up. Finn felt the surges of pain, though they were nothing but memory, the fear, the shame and most of all, the loss of someone he had once loved so deeply all over again, the loss of Morap Bendar that he felt Poe’s anguish rip and tear at his own heart. Most of all he felt Poe’s guilt. Not guilt at betraying the Resistance, or its secrets, but guilt at feeling this way about Morap, that young man, whose face Finn had seen in some pictures both Poe and Kes Dameron still kept. Morap had been almost like a mirror image of Poe, Finn realized, as he gently pushed past those barriers, which Poe had erected around himself, and which came tumbling down as soon as Finn approached them now, almost as if Poe didn’t want to keep them up anymore. As if showing Finn all of this was easier than telling him.

            Morap’s smile lit up his entire face. His voice had the ability to make Poe tremble from head to foot. The first time they had met, Finn saw for the first time, though he had heard the story before, had been in a cantina, before Poe’s first day with his new squadron after he had finished his flight training. Finn felt how nervous Poe had been, heard every thought in Poe’s head as if it were his own and when Poe’s and Morap’s lips touched for the first time, Finn couldn’t even pull away, though he was sure, had he seen the kiss from a different perspective, he would have. As it was, he felt Poe’s excitement, his happiness and the sudden, crushing sadness, as his mind rushed from that first kiss, over to other times he and Morap had shared together, to that horrific day on which Morap had lost his life in service to the Republic. And all of a sudden, Finn realized, though he had known it before, that Morap Bendar would have been the one to marry Poe one day, had he not died. Poe would most likely not have joined the Resistance, or have met Finn on that fateful day. He understood exactly why Poe had never shared this anguish with him. This fear of falling asleep and being forced to go through all of this again. The love, the loss, the pain, which had all come crashing down on him in one single stroke, when Poe had come face to face with Morap’s brother.

            Slowly, Finn withdrew, until he felt Poe’s need for more. More comfort. More... anything and, without relinquishing his hold of Poe’s mind, Finn moved his body closer to Poe’s. The pain in his arm was gone. All of a sudden and without looking, he knew that the wound had closed somehow and he managed to put his arm around Poe’s shoulders and pull him close.

 _I’ll never let you go,_ Finn whispered without speaking, as he felt the Force expand around him and Poe. So this was what it meant to have the Force and let it control you. To let it help you and the people around you. The pain Poe felt didn’t go away, but his light, his warmth didn’t die either. The shadows, which lay over him, wouldn’t kill either, Finn would see to it, even if Poe couldn’t. All around them the world seemed to grow darker. Finn wasn’t skilled enough to pick up what was going on outside their door, though he felt that there were hundreds of other souls onboard this ship.

 _You’ll be alright._ Somehow he knew that Poe could hear those words, feel them even, even if he couldn’t respond. Pulling Poe closer, Finn brushed his lips against Poe’s temple and it wasn’t hard at all to keep Poe, who wasn’t shaking anymore at least, and himself in this weird bubble, which was somehow apart from the war raging on outside.

 


	11. Disturbance

 

She had no idea what had just happened. Of course she didn’t. How could she, when he had never told her, what the crystal might be. Meelan sighed again and looked down at the now green object on the table in front of him. Only when Morap’s bedroom door had closed, did Meelan reach out to the crystal in front of him. It felt cold against his skin and while he knew that Nataleeh’s eyes were fixed on his face, he didn’t turn to look at her.

            Meelan had always known that Morap was strong, but he hadn’t expected _this_ to happen. He himself had next to no understanding of this thing called the Force, but he knew that it could be dangerous and that it hadn’t helped the Empire or the First Order to survive, though its leaders had been rumoured to have this strange power.

            He rummaged through his brain, trying to find answers to questions which hadn’t even fully formed in his mind yet. The only thing he knew for certain was that the crystal in his hand would not have changed colour, unless someone somehow connected with it. And who else could do such a thing than someone who was sensitive to the Force. He knew it, though he couldn’t even begin to understand it. Its whole concept was completely out of reach and the fact that his son had unintentionally done something, whatever it was, with it, was scarier than anything Meelan had ever experienced.

            When he felt his wife’s arms encircling him, he barely contained a flinch. He had almost forgotten her presence, but her wonderful, sweet scent engulfed him and he felt his heart rate slow down. She tended to have this effect on him. Meelan took a deep breath, before pulling her down, so she was sitting on his lap.

            “Meelan,” she whisperend and ran her fingers through his hair. Her dark eyes were scrutinizing him with the same fondness he had seen in them so often these past years. He had only really gotten to know her long after they were married and he still couldn’t quite believe it. At first he had been surprised that a woman like her, a General’s daughter, a beautiful and smart woman, who could have had her pick of wealthy, high ranking officers, would pick him over everyone else. But nowadays he wondered how it could be that he had found someone he could be entirely honest with. That he could trust anyone enough to be able to be honest. After his brother had taken off all those years ago, he would never have thought he could trust anyone ever again, but here she was, just where she had been ever since that fateful night they had met and she had decided to break lose a scandal by asking him to come to her room, on the way to which anyone could have seen him. Him, a lowly Lieutenant without prospects, but with so much ambition and no hopes of fulfilling it. In return he had started trusting her. For some reason he hadn’t been able to stop himself and Meelan hadn’t regretted it one bit. She was his co-conspirator and his confidante. He’d have to be honest with Nataleeh now as well. Morap was her son as well as his. They were in this together.

            Meelan kissed her wrist and, pulling her closer, he put his hand on her swollen belly. He hadn’t been there for her during her pregnancy with Morap, hadn’t been able to be with her and though he knew that it had been his duty at that time, he still regretted it. A soft thump beneath his fingers told him that his child was moving and the sensation brought a smile to his lips. What if this child had the same, very strange ability? Was it hereditary? If so, had anyone in their families been sensitive to the Force? Meelan couldn’t tell, and he was sure that he’d never be able to find out with all the Jedi gone and their records destroyed. At least as far as he knew.

            Heaving a sigh, he kept stroking Nataleeh’s belly, until she put her hand on his. “Do you know, what that crystal is?”, he asked quietly and looked up at her.

            Nataleeh shook her head. “No,” she said. “Not really. You said you got it off some merchant, but that’s it.” With a shrug she took the hand, which was holding the crystal in hers and took it. Meelan wrapped his free arm around her waist immediately. He needed to hold her. “Why has it changed colour, though? I’ve never heard of anything like it.”

            Meelan pulled a face and trailed the line of her waist with his fingertips. “I don’t know too much myself,” he admitted, “and I didn’t really believe that merchant when he told me what it was.” Nataleeh rested her hand on her lap and looked down at him. He dropped his gaze to the crystal she was holding. Would she hate him for having brought this object into their lives? “He said it was a kyber crystal. Apparently the Jedi used it in the construction of their lightsabers.” Meelan fell silent, almost waiting for Nataleeh to get up and leave him sitting there, but she didn’t.

            “So…,” she said after a while, still looking down at the crystal. “You believe that merchant?” She didn’t wait for an answer, but kept talking, no trace of panic, but one of slight uneasiness in her voice, “You think this is actually a kyper crystal? One of those Jedi things? And you think that Morap did something with it? Something…” She trailed off and when he looked up at her, he saw that she had closed her eyes. With a speed he had not expected of her in her condition, she got up and walked over to the window, her back turned to him. She was still holding the crystal and had her arms crossed in front of her chest.

            Leaning back in his chair and unable to keep his eyes off her, Meelan tried to find the right words, but there was nothing to say. Nothing to tell her. “I don’t know…,” he said quietly and got up himself. Her back was straight and he knew that she was searching the sky outside. But the Askija was gone. Meelan couldn’t shake the feeling that what had happened in the forest had been something akin to a bad omen. But that was ridiculous of course. He didn’t believe in omens. Reason was the only thing that mattered. With a sigh, he approached his wife and wrapped his arms around her middle. He gently stroked her belly with his fingertips. The fabric of her dress was soft and warm from her body heat. If only he could stay like this forever and allow her presence to make him forget everything else. “I really don’t know… Morap is… different, like my brother maybe.” He shivered, but was relieved, when Nataleeh leaned her head back against his shoulder. She knew everything about Morap. Meelan hadn’t been able to hold back those information on his little brother he had kept secret from everyone else in his life.

            “Maybe,” she said. “I don’t know about this crystal, but as long as we don’t have any further information on what this might mean, we shouldn’t get worried.” With another last look at it, she let it drop on the chair next to them and put her hand on his cheek. She was silent for another minute and he was enjoying the touch of her hand on his cheek and the view out of the window, at the valley at their feet.  It looked beautiful, even without the Askija there. Peaceful even. “But you know that Morap is trying. He is trying so hard to live up to your expectations.” There was a sadness in her voice, which made his insides clench. “He tries to be like you, but he is so different from you that it will only make him miserable.”

            Meelan closed his eyes and had to force himself not to pull away from her. “He is too soft,” he said, trying very hard to sound disdainful, but he sounded more resigned than anything else.

            “Yes,” she said and her tone of voice showed her impatience. “What do you expect me to do about it?”

            No… this had not been what he had wanted to say. It wasn’t her fault that Morap was the way he was. Of course she had been mostly responsible for Morap’s upbringing, but Morap hadn’t been taught to be soft by anyone. It was just the way he was and Meelan felt anger rise up in him, he hadn’t expected. Never. He shook his head and pulled her even closer to him. The silence between them was like a wall of invisible ice, which had formed in the room, enclosing each in their own space, but this couldn’t be it. They couldn’t just leave things like this. Nataleeh let her hand drop to his and he almost expected her to pull herself out of his grasp, but she didn’t.

            Something had to be done, he knew. Something about Morap, so he wouldn’t get lost in this galaxy like his uncle had. Meelan shuddered at the mere thought of losing his son, like he had lost his brother. No, it wouldn’t happen. Meelan wouldn’t let it happen. But it had to be done differently. The Academy had almost destroyed Meelan’s brother. Morap had to understand what they were doing here and why their methods were necessary for them to survive. Why the Order’s values had to be held up. “I will think of something,” he said and gently placed a kiss on her neck. She smelled so good and just touching her like this made him want to drag her off to the bedroom, but he knew that the time for this was long past. It didn’t really show, but she was already too far along for what he’d had in mind for the fraction of a moment. He shook his head, trying to clear it, when a sudden knock at the door made him flinch. 

            Nataleeh turned her head, to look up at him. She knew, just like he did, that no one here on base would interrupt the time he had with his family for anything short of a catastrophe.

Meelan pressed a kiss on her forehead and then let go of her, assuming a pose of calm and composure. No one was to see that he was more worried about his family at the moment than anything else. “Come in!”

The door slid open and Meelan was surprised to see the Lieutenant with the short, white hair and the tattoos standing in the doorway. She had been the one to bring him the report on the diminished shipments from 16-MG-85 and ever since Meelan had seen her more and more often walking behind a higher ranking officer. But he still didn’t know her name.

Apparently she had run here, her face was flushed and her hair untidy. She hadn’t even bothered to adjust her appearance to the situation, Meelan thought with a look of distaste. “Lieutenant,” he said quietly, when the woman in front of him made no attempts to speak and just kept looking at Nataleeh.

The young woman snapped to attention. “Sir. General!” She was a bit out of breath. Why had she come here? Where was Kayla? Usually it was her, who approached him if things went really wrong, but what by all the stars was this absolute beginner doing here? In his private quarters?

The Lieutenant looked at him directly. “The settlement on 16-MG-85 has been reminded of its duties, Sir,” she said, obviously trying to sound as confident as possible, though there was a slight tremble in her voice. Her hands were clenched into fists.

Meelan nodded. He had expected nothing less, but that was no reason to disturb him. Something had obviously gone wrong. “Continue,” he snapped impatiently.

“The reports say that a ship was apprehended”, she said quickly. “With Republic signatures. The crew has been taken prisoner and they’re on their way here.”

Fighting down the urge to brush his hand through his hair, Meelan folded his hands behind his back. This piece news was far from good. He avoided looking at Nataleeh and simply nodded. “I’ll be in the conference room in a few minutes to review the report. Make sure they have the holos ready. Give orders to keep the prisoners aboard the ship, until we are ready for them down here.” He wasn’t even sure it had been a good idea to take them prisoner. Had they been obliterated, people may have come looking for them, but no trace would have led them here. Meelan cursed silently, as soon as the Lieutenant had retreated out of the room and the door had closed behind her. “Idiots,” he murmured and crossed the room to grab his gloves. Why? Why did they have to have bring potential investigators of the Republic to their very base? There was nothing to do about it now. Those people, whoever they were, had already seen too much, if they had indeed been present during the attack. “They are going to get us into trouble…” He heard Nataleeh approach him and he heaved another sigh. Shaking his head, he turned around to her. Her face was showing an expression of deepest concern. “I’ll make sure that doesn’t happen,” he said and managed a smile, when Nataleeh reached up to straighten his uniform’s collar and kissed him on the cheek.

“I know you will. You always do.”

Meelan smiled slightly and nodded. The confidence her voice was more of an encouragement than her words. “I’ll see you soon,” he said quietly and kissed her on the cheek. “I have to get going.”

 


	12. Encounters

** Chapter 12 **

**Encounters**

 

He didn’t need Finn to tell him what had happened, who those people were or who had taken them prisoner. He didn’t even want to talk about it, but he felt that they had to. No… that was all wrong. They needed to talk about _so many_ things, things with had nothing to do with their current situation, but this was neither the time, nor the place.

The light had not gone out, though Poe was fairly sure that they had been on board this ship for at least a cycle. He had felt the ship dropping out of hyperspace about half an hour ago, when the soft rumbling had shaken the walls and floor beneath them.

            They hadn’t talked. Not one word had passed between them, since they had been pushed inside this cell, but still Poe was fairly sure that they didn’t need to. He felt Finn’s presence, like he had never done before or had imagined he could. Still keeping his eyes tightly shut, he moved for the first time in hours, putting his arm around Finn. He felt Finn shift beneath him, felt him retreat, though he had no idea how he knew that Finn was doing it.

            “What happened?”, he murmured quietly, pressing his cheek against Finn’s chest. He meant what had happened between them, not on that planet, but he was sure that Finn understood. It was as if Poe had never been so close to Finn before. Never. Not once. Something had changed. Finn had done something; Poe was sure of it.

            He felt Finn shrug, and immediately snapped open his eyes. Finn had been hurt during that battle and as far as Poe knew, it hadn’t been taken care of.

            “What-“, he began, but immediately felt Finn’s finger on his lips, shutting him up before he had even begun to string together the sentence asking Finn to tell him what had changed. Why he suddenly felt more secure. Closer to Finn. Apart from the world and why in the name of all the stars had taken Finn to do this. To use the Force, which he must be doing, and why he continued doing it when it made him look so unbelievably tired.

            “I’m fine,” Finn said.

So he _was_ reading his thoughts. Poe sat up, scared at the thought that this realization didn’t frighten him. “Finn…” Poe shook his head again and looked into Finn’s eyes, which were staring back at him with a warmth, which made Poe want to hold him even tighter.

            “I don’t know how, but I’m fine.” With a smile Finn lifted his arm, off Poe’s shoulders, demonstrating how fine it actually was.

            Poe raised his eyebrows and grabbed Finn’s arm. The fabric of the jacket and the shirt Finn was wearing had been singed by the blaster’s forceful laser beam, but where there should have been a hideous wound, there was nothing, but soft, dark and unbelievably intact skin. Poe felt a wave of relief wash over him. He shook his head and pressed his lips to the spot, where Finn had been hurt during the attack.

            Finn’s finger’s brushed through his hair and Poe looked up with a slight smile.

            “You’re a miracle…” he whispered, unable to hold back a soft laugh. He had by no means forgotten where he was, had in no way been able to push away the feeling of dread of what was to come, but he was no longer immobilized by it. Somehow he felt stronger. More capable to face what was to come. Because Finn was there. Because he was no longer alone in the dark.

            Laughing, Finn put his arm around his shoulders again and pulled him closer. “Gee, thanks, Commander.”

            Poe closed his eyes, when Finn leaned over and kissed the bridge of his nose. He was still smiling. Why in the name of all the stars was he smiling, when everything around them was crumbling to bits? They were prisoners, they had no idea what was going to happen to them and he hadn’t had a chance to make sure that his father would be taken care of. His father… why hadn’t Poe thought of him before? What if he never saw him again? What if his father had to go through the same thing again he had been forced to go through once before?

            “Sh…” Finn’s thumb gently stroked over his cheek. “Don’t panic. I’m here with you, I won’t leave you…”

            Poe shook his head and made to pull away, but he couldn’t. Not because anything was holding him back, but because his body wouldn’t allow it. “What are you doing?”, he whispered, unable to grasp what was going on.

            “I don’t know…” Finn’s answer came as a surprise, but Poe heard the insecurity in the other’s voice. “I really don’t. I’m just… just trying to help?” Biting on his lower lip, Finn shrugged. “I’m not doing anything to you as far as I know…”

            As far as he knew… no… no, Poe remembered exactly what it felt like to be influenced by the Force. Ren’s probing was still vivid in his memories, and this wasn’t anything like it. Poe took a deep breath and nodded slowly. “Okay…,” he whispered, not sure if it really was. He leaned forward, somehow unable to do anything else and gently pressed his lips against Finn’s. He hadn’t been able to do that the last time he had been captured, but he had dreamed of it. Now that Finn was here with him Poe felt like he hadn’t kissed him enough. Like no amount of kissing could ever be enough.

            Before he could intensify the kiss however, Finn pulled away and, holding Poe’s face in his hands, forcing Poe to look at him. “Don’t you think we should talk about what’s going on here?”

            Closing his eyes, Poe nodded regretfully. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

            “Don’t ever be sorry for kissing me. I rather like it, you know?”

            Poe heard the smirk in Finn’s voice and looked at Finn again. “I know,” he smiled and leaned back, freeing himself from Finn’s grasp. “So…”, he said shakily. “What did we see on Birken Six?”

            Finn pulled a face, which showed only too clearly how he felt about what he had seen. “The attack on a mining outpost. The soldiers were… they looked a lot like Stormtroopers, don’t you think?”

            Poe nodded with a shudder. “That’s what I thought.” He reached out and took Finn’s hand in his. Somehow skin contact with Finn helped him to focus on the issue at hand. He couldn’t allow himself to be drawn back into the darkness. “Whoever these people are… they love military procedures.”

            “And they have obviously stolen this ship. Maybe even the others, which have gone missing these last couple of months.” Finn leaned his head back against the wall, his eyes focused on the ceiling. He shook his head slightly. “But I don’t think they’re in any way as powerful as the First Order was… I mean… if they have to steal ships and use those for attacks…” Finn shrugged. “I don’t know.”

            Poe pressed his lips together. He heard the footsteps approaching their door. Finn squeezed his hand. “I guess we’re going to find out…” Poe whispered, already feeling waves of anxiety wash over him and he held on even tighter to Finn’s hand. “Stay with me, buddy…”

            “Where else would I be?”

 

No one had asked the prisoners for their names. Meelan felt like he was surrounded by amateurs. Maybe he should have sent Captain Kayla to deal with this situation on 16-MG-85. She would have been more suitable to the task and she would certainly have known how to deal with this situation properly. But her daughter, Mara Blanche, and Morap had gone missing right before Meelan had been forced to send out the _Endeavour_ to deal with the situation on the planet called Birken Six by most of the galaxy and he had known that Kayla would be needed by her daughter… maybe he had gone soft too.

            It was beginning to grow dark again. Meelan looked out the window at the transport gliding into the hangar. From his office, in the only tower this building possessed, he could see almost anything taking place outside and keep an eye on everything that was going on. He watched most of the other officers leave, until only Kayla remained. He turned his back on her and watched the shuttle vanish into the huge hangar.

            The reviewing of the footage of the attack on the settlement on 16-MG-85 and the subsequent discussion on whether or not it had been wise to take prisoners had taken hours and Meelan and other former First Order officers had let the younger ones argue, until he had finally stepped in and told them what a huge mistake it had been. The _Endeavour’s_ commander had endangered them all. Their operation, their profits and their lives. The right thing to do would have been to destroy the ship with the Republic’s signature, and then the settlement so as to wipe away all traces of their doings.

The look on the Lieutenant’s face at his words had shown Meelan all too clearly that their training methods had to be revised drastically. The Lieutenant, going by the name of Bex Durron, had been unable, or unwilling to hide her disbelief and disapproval. Meelan had also seen those very same emotions on his brother’s face, after he had found out that it had been their mother, who had betrayed their father to the authorities. It was an expression, Meelan had never wanted to see on one of his officer’s faces, no matter how much he disapproved of them or their behaviour. That was why he had finally asked for the woman’s name. People like her were endangering their operation, but for now he had no idea how he could teach them the right and proper procedures. They were too old now, he thought. Too old to be brought up to understand the importance of what they were doing here. That keeping alive the way of life of the First Order was essential.

Meelan did his best to keep up his outward appearance of disapproval and determination, when the thought of his son suddenly crossed his mind. Hadn’t he decided to allow Morap to be the way he was? To not try and break him? But at the same time he knew that his life’s work was depending on his boy to really understand what needed to be done and why.

He didn’t turn to look at Kayla, but folded his hands behind his back. There was still some time left before he had to go and interview the prisoners. He didn’t trust any of the other officers to do it for him. They hadn’t proven themselves capable enough for this sort of situation these last couple of days. “Captain?”, he said, his voice calm and not showing any trace of uncertainty. She had been his strongest supporter these last couple of years, even though their first encounter had been far from encouraging. Meelan had been an officer on board one of the last First Order ships still taking a stand against the Republic and the New Alliance of Resistance pilots and smugglers, and his superior officer Dopheld Mitaka had ordered him to get young Lieutenant Kayla off the ship. Only moments before the ship had been hit by enemy fire, had Meelan realized that Kayla was pregnant with Mitaka’s baby, and for some strange reason he had felt like it was his personal responsibility to get her, and everyone else still loyal to the Order off board, and, if he could, to a place, where they could rebuild their society in peace.

“Sir?” She took a step towards him, so she was standing next to him at the big window overlooking the eastern side of the complex.

“How is your daughter?” They didn’t usually discuss the matter of their children in his office, but he couldn’t get his son out of his head and for some reason it felt right to broach the subject now. Mara Blanche was, and had been for a long time, Morap’s best and probably only friend. They were the next generation of their people and Meelan had always been comfortable in the knowledge that those two were getting along, but especially since Mara Blanche seemed to be a better fit with the other children than Morap was, and because she was good at getting him involved with them. She made sure that he stayed on track. Or rather, she had done that until a couple of days ago. Since that incident with the crystal and the Askija, he had stopped thinking as fondly of the little girl. It was likely after all that her influence had driven Morap into recklessness. But that seemed wrong somehow. Mara Blanche was a good girl and it was very probable that he, Meelan, was doing his best to turn his focus away from the fact that his son had obviously displayed an ability he shouldn’t have.

“She is fine, Sir,” she said quietly, though her stern tone of voice didn’t quite manage to cover up a trace of frustration.

“Really?” Meelan turned his head slightly to look at her for a short moment, then stood up even straighter and faced the window again. “I get the feeling that my son is missing her company. He was… distressed by what happened.”

Kayla nodded. “I can imagine,” she answered and she seemed to have mastered her voice now. “Mara has asked when she can see him again.” Her eyes were trained on the hangar, when he looked at her briefly.

“Soon. I will take him with me to the interview of the prisoners.” He had decided on it the previous night, after the meeting had ended and he had joined Nataleeh in their bed. She had already been asleep and Meelan had been unable to bring himself to wake her up and talk to her. So he had started thinking of what he could do to make Morap understand. The prisoners didn’t have to be interrogated by force. Not necessarily. With a bit of luck Meelan might even be able to talk himself out of this whole ordeal. He still wasn’t sure what to expect, but he knew that applying force might really not be the best solution to this situation.

“You are?” Kayla sounded surprised. “Sir?” She only barely managed to add the appropriate address.

Meelan nodded. He didn’t think it necessary to explain his reasons to her and he wouldn’t do it either. What business was it of hers? But still… he had started this conversation, hadn’t he? “As part of his education. I believe it is time for him to truly understand what we are doing here and why. What kind of trouble the tiniest mistake could mean for all of us.”

Kayla bit her lower lip, but she nodded. “Mara hasn’t told me why they ran off, Sir,” she said quickly. “She-“

Meelan cut her off with one single gesture. “It doesn’t matter. It wasn’t her fault.” He remained silent for a moment. He would have to go and get Morap soon, if he wanted the boy to accompany him to see the prisoners. “Morap is headstrong and he dragged her into that situation. I am sorry, Captain,” he realized, as he said it that he truly meant it. Had anyone else put his son in danger, he would have wanted to know.

            With a shake of her head, Kayla said, “Mara is just as headstrong. They are both fine and I’m sure neither of them will sneak away again anytime soon.”

            Nodding, Meelan watched as a huge flock of birds flew up into the darkening sky in a cloud of stark white feathers. The next moment, he spotted something he hadn’t expected to see again for a very long time, and though it was hard to make out, its shape was undoubtedly familiar. This wasn’t the same Askija he had been forced to kill a couple of days ago. This one was of an almost whitish blue colour and from what Meelan saw, he guessed that this one was much larger than the one which had circled the night skies over their base before. He was almost relieved to see it and its scales, which started shimmering, now that the sun had almost set. “No,” he said, eyes still on the Askija, which climbed higher and higher, from time to time vanishing in the thick, dark clouds, while the birds started fluttering further and further away. “I don’t think they’re going to sneak off again, either.” Meelan couldn’t help himself but smirk. “At least not for a while… did your daughter tell you that she and my son are engaged?” He turned to look at her again, as he said those last words and he could literally see her go pale.

            “They… Sir?” Her mouth was slightly ajar and Meelan’s smirk widened into a smile. He still remembered rather vividly what Morap had told him and the tone of voice with which he had said it. Kaylas’s dark eyes met his and as she realized that he wasn’t angry but rather amused she managed a smile as well. “Engaged…” She laughed quietly and shook her head. “Well, at least she’s ambitious enough and decided to get married to Morap, rather than that Cateer kid. I don’t like him very much.”

            Meelan nodded without commenting on this and gently touched her shoulder. He knew that Kayla had always had his back and that he could trust her, but until this day they had never had the opportunity or incentive to talk as friends. “I have to go and get my son, Captain.” He let go of her shoulder again and moved towards the door. “I’ll see you in the conference room.”

 

The light of the stars didn’t manage to break through the thick cover of clouds and the rain was hitting hard against the window. There was nothing to be seen outside, except the bright blue glow of a creature, Poe couldn’t even begin to find a name for, flashing through the clouds like lightening. He had never seen anything like it and he did his best to focus his eyes on it, rather than his surroundings. Of course Finn was sitting next to him, but if Poe looked anywhere but at the window on his left, he’d also see the guards behind them.

            _It’s okay_ , Finn’s voice in his head startled him, though he had heard it there before. Just a couple of hours ago, actually.

            Poe pressed his lips tightly together and kept watching the animal outside. Somehow watching it was soothing, despite what was going on around him. The ease with which the long, flowing tail cut through the clouds and illuminated them, made him feel more relaxed, though he had to admit that he had been far from relaxed, when they had brought him and Finn in here and not bothered to chain them to the chairs. In fact, being led into a wide, open space, which appeared to be a conference room, at least gathering from the enormous round table and the chairs around it, had been quite disconcerting. Still neither Finn, nor Poe had decided to stand up and walk about the room. The guards behind them were armed, after all, and even if they were able to overwhelm those two men in their white uniforms and faceless masks, there were sure to be other guards outside in the corridor.

            _Poe…_

            Without answering, because he simply didn’t know how, Poe reached over to his right side and took Finn’s hand in his. He knew that Finn was tired, more tired than Poe even, because, whatever was happening here, obviously took Finn a lot of concentration. The fear and uncertainty, which had kept them awake during those hours spent aboard the ship, had made Poe tired both of them out, but still his heart was racing and he knew that Finn’s must be too. Whatever their fate might be, it wold be decided soon. Poe was only glad that they hadn’t decided on separating them.

            _Me too._

            Poe’s head snapped around. Did Finn actually hear what he was thinking?

            Finn’s thumb brushed gently over Poe’s hand and he was smiling at Poe in a way, which made him return that smile despite everything.

            When the doors behind them opened and they heard the soldiers retreat, Poe let go of Finn’s hand. He still felt connected to him. Physical closeness meant nothing at this moment. The first thing he saw was a woman a bit younger than Finn with her dark hair pulled back into a severe bun. The uniform she was wearing looked instantly familiar, though at a second glance he realized that it didn’t bear any insignia. Poe’s and her eyes met for a brief second, before she stepped aside and at a nod, a boy who couldn’t be older than maybe nine stepped into the room. Poe couldn’t help himself but stare at the boy with his dark brown hair, which shimmered red in the light of the room. He didn’t look like he knew exactly what he was doing here. He returned Poe’s gaze with a look of apparent indifference and then turned to look at Finn. The whole moment may have only taken the fraction of a second, but Poe couldn’t help himself but think that he somehow knew that boy, knew that face, but before he had reached the conclusion that there was no way he had ever met the boy, someone else stepped into the room, following the boy. His blood seemed to freeze as he recognized him.

            Without a thought Poe of what he was doing shot out of his seat so that the chair clattered to the floor with a loud bang. His hands were balled into fists as he stared at the man, who was now standing in the doorway. For the first time in years they looked at each other. Poe would have known _him_ anywhere. He barely registered Finn standing up only a moment later. The only thing Poe could think of, was that this was impossible. This couldn’t be happening!

            Bendar hadn’t changed. Not really. Poe realized that in his dreams, the man had seemed younger and looked more like Morap, than he actually did, but that didn’t mean that seeing him wasn’t like he was thrown back into one of his nightmares. The brown eyes returned his gaze with the same sense of incredulity he himself was feeling. Was Bendar’s heart racing just as fast? Probably not.

            For a moment they just stared at each other until Bendar had apparently regained control over his expression once more. Poe thought for a brief moment that he had been better at that sort of thing once, but of course back then the situation had been a bit different. “Dameron…”, Bendar said and, stepping closer, pulled up his gloves. He had done the same thing back then, Poe remembered and only now did he realize that it was probably a gesture of insecurity.

            “Is that him?” Finn’s voice was barely audible, but Poe heard the tone of barely suppressed anger. He nodded slightly, but didn’t comment. He still hadn’t gotten over the initial shock of seeing the man, who dominated the torture his nightmares were, in the flesh.

            Bendar scoffed and at a wave of his hand to the woman still standing in the corridor, the door slid shut behind him. The only thing that was still betraying Bendar’s surprise was the sudden paleness of his face. He had grown older, Poe realized. His hair, which had once been a darker shade of brownish red, was now grey in places and there were a couple of lines on his face. His heart dropped, as he thought for a second of how well those traces of grey would have suited Morap and of how unfair it was that his brother Meelan was allowed to parade this obvious sign of aging, while Morap hadn’t even been given the chance to grow one single grey hair.

            Without even giving the situation, of where he was and what had happened, one single thought, Poe balled his hands into fists, and as Bendar took another step towards him, launched himself at the other man. All the rage, all the anger, which he had kept bottled up for ten years, suddenly burst to the surface, providing him with a speed, he had not expected of himself. As his knuckles connected with Bendar’s jaw, he felt a sudden wave of relief. The next second, Bendar had moved to the side and before he knew it, he had grasped Poe by the arm and slammed his head onto the table. A violent pain shot through his head and all the air was pressed out of his lungs as he felt Bendar’s elbow between his shoulder blades. The next second Finn was there and the weight was lifted off him. Bendar was thrown backwards, but he pulled Poe with him.

            Breathing heavily and trying to focus his eyes on whatever was in front of him, Poe felt something cold and metal pressed against his jaw. A blaster. Obviously.

            “Don’t move!” Bendar wasn’t addressing Poe, but Finn, who still had his fists raised, but dropped them reluctantly without taking his eyes off Poe’s for even a second.

            “Get out, Morap.” Bendar’s voice was eerily calm, but Poe could feel the other’s shaky breath on his temple.

Poe flinched. Morap… what was going on here? Poe saw a flash of movement, but was unable to turn his head. Bendar had twisted Poe’s arm on his back and held him in an iron grip. Poe’s mouth had gone dry. Morap…

            The boy stepped into Poe’s line of vision. The dark eyes were wide and he was so pale that his hair appeared to be even darker. Morap?

            “Dad I-“

            “I said OUT!”  Bendar shouted the last word so loudly that it made Poe’s ears ring and the boy flinch. The boy didn’t look like he was used to being shouted at.

            The door opened again and the soldiers were just about to enter again, when he felt Bendar shaking his head. Poe’s eyes quickly flashed to Finn again and he saw nothing but confusion mixed with furious anger on the other’s face.

“I’m handling this. Take the boy outside.”

Without hesitation the soldiers obeyed Bendar’s orders and the door closed behind them and the boy. Poe only saw that woman throw Bendar a questioning look, but she didn’t say anything before she left.

“So… now that we have reacquainted ourselves, can we start handling this situation like adults?” Bendar was still a bit out of breath. So he was just as much out of shape as Poe was, or just getting older. Poe couldn’t tell.

“Let go of me, you-“, he was barely able to keep himself from adding _bastard_ , but the word hung heavily on the air.

“Fine.” With a jerk Bendar pushed Poe away from him, and Poe turned around abruptly to face him. It was good to know that Finn had his back, but of course he also realized that there was nothing either of them could do to get out of this situation. They had both seen the number of soldiers this place held and the door outside was heavily guarded.

Bendar, still holding his blaster, pressed his free hand against his jaw. At the very same spot where Poe had hit him. Poe could still feel the impact of his knuckles against bone and he knew that he had aimed well. Bendar would either need bacta later on or put the spot where Poe had hit him on display for the world to see.

“Well done, Dameron, I wouldn’t have though you still had it in you. You’ve grown old.”

Poe looked at Bendar with narrowed eyes. The side of his face which had been slammed against the table top still hurt and he knew that he was very likely to show bruises soon as well. That was, if he and Finn lived long enough. “Likewise,” he hissed through gritted teeth. “But unlike me, grey doesn’t suit you.”

Bendar managed a smirk, but Poe would be damned, if he let this man make him lose control again. He felt Finn move closer and Finn’s hand on his lower back in a comforting gesture. It didn’t help much, but he forced himself to take a deep breath.

“You named your kid after _him_?” Poe couldn’t help himself and he was unable to hold back the tears shooting into his eyes. It hurt just thinking about it. How dare he? How dare Bendar use his brother’s name for his offspring? The pressure of Finn’s hand increased and Poe knew that he was hurting Finn just by mentioning Morap in this way, but this was something he couldn’t and wouldn’t hold back on. This was Morap they were talking about and Bendar befouling his name. “You loathed him!” Poe very vividly remembered Bendar calling Morap an _idealist_ with a sense of distaste, which still made Poe tremble with fury.

Bendar sighed and a resigned look came to his eyes. “Just what my mother said… not the last part, obviously.” He raised his eyebrows. “Shall we sit and discuss this situation, then?”

“I don’t see what there is to talk about,” Finn said, his voice eerily deep and determined. Poe didn’t turn to look around at him, but he knew that the fury Finn was feeling was probably still showing on his face. “You ordered that attack on the settlement, did you? Most of the people there are probably dead. Happy about that?”

With narrowed eyes Bendar looked Finn up and down, who still had his hand on Poe’s back. “Actually no,” Bendar said finally and drew up a chair but didn’t sit down. “I would really like to talk this whole thing over without causing another scene, if that’s alright with you.”

Poe saw him throw a look at the door and for a moment he wondered if Bendar would call for his son again, but he didn’t. Poe was grateful for it. He wouldn’t have been able to look at that child with that unfitting name again.

 _I think, we’d be okay, if we just talked with him…_ Finn didn’t sound too confident, but Poe was glad to hear his voice in his head anyway. He nodded slightly and sat down in one of the chairs without paying too much attention to the one he had thrown over, without taking his eyes of Bendar, who sat down as soon as Finn had taken a seat next to Poe.

Bendar folded his gloved hands on top of the table and outside, right behind him, Poe could see the birdlike creature shoot down into the forest and vanish among the trees. “I must say, this isn’t what I expected to happen,” Bendar admitted.

“I thought you were dead.” It was true. Poe hadn’t thought he’d ever see Bendar again. From what he knew most officers _had_ been killed in that last battle, but of course there had been no way for him to make sure that Bendar had actually died.

Bendar raised his eyebrows. “Sorry to disappoint.” Their parting hadn’t been a friendly one, but Poe couldn’t help but think that Bendar _had_ saved him. Not because Bendar was a decent person, but for his brother. For Morap… and Poe remembered only too well that he had been worried about betraying Bendar by returning to the Resistance, endangering Bendar by doing so. He had never wanted Bendar to die. Not really. Not until the nightmares had started. For some reason he still felt like he owed him, especially now, and that made this whole thing even less bearable.

Poe crossed his arms over his chest and never took his eyes off Bendar. No… he didn’t look as much like Morap as he remembered, but that would never get him over the shock of seeing this man for the first time and actually taking him for his lost lover.

Finn, who was obviously more interested in getting answers than anything else, bit his lower lip, but didn’t say anything. Poe knew that he’d leave the talking to Poe first.

“I never knew you had a family,” Poe said quietly, his voice barely more than a whisper. He still couldn’t get over that boy’s face. Just seeing a child in this environment was unnerving.

“So do you,” Bendar nodded at Finn with raised eyebrows, “But that topic wasn’t part of our first conversation, was it? Not to my knowledge. You didn’t need to know anything about me.”

The tone of voice with which he talked about the torture Poe had undergone under his hands, made Poe’s anger well up again. His hands were clenched tightly, so he wouldn’t get up and have another go at Bendar. “But now you’re taking your kid to see you… _have conversations_ with people. This really is a family business, huh?”

Bendar seemed barely able to hold in his anger, but the traces of rage vanished as quickly as they had become apparent. “It doesn’t concern you or your boyfriend what I do and don’t do with my son, Dameron. The only thing that concerns you is what you are doing here.”

“Right,” hissed Finn. “What are we doing here? And what were you doing on that planet? Reviving the First Order by the looks of it.”

“Whatever gave you that idea, Mr…” Bendar sounded polite, but Poe wasn’t fooled. This man was dangerous. More dangerous than ever before, probably, because it seemed like he was in charge of this whole place and this place was huge.

“The name is Finn,” Finn said, his voice strong and proud. He had always been fond of that name. “And I hate to tell you this, but you are in big trouble with your little First Order outpost here.”

Bendar didn’t even blink. “Finn…”, he murmured and then looked at Poe, before pointing a finger directly at Finn. “This is FN-2187?”

Poe felt Finn tense up next to him. It had been years since anyone had called him that and Poe felt like getting up and throwing his fist at Bendar one more time. “Finn,” he repeated.

It was only too obvious that Bendar didn’t care much for the name, but he didn’t say anything else concerning the matter.

“So, what are your plans with us now? Execution? Again? I guess I’m getting bored with that solution to First Order problems.” Poe tried to sound as if he didn’t care and the biting sarcasm managed to cover up the fear building up inside him.

The corners of Bendar’s mouth twitched. “That wouldn’t help our current situation now, would it”, he said calmly. “The thing is, and what you need to understand is that we are merely trying to live our lives here. The way we know how to live and the way we want to live, without anybody’s interference. We have contracts with settlements like the one on 16-MG-85, or Birken Six, as you call it, and if they don’t fulfil their quota we have to take action.”

Poe only barely managed to suppress a mirthless laugh, but Finn next to him was slowly, but surely reaching the point at which he himself might lurch himself at Bendar. “So you kill them?” Finn demanded to know.

Bendar raised his eyebrow once more und shrugged. “I admit that our forces may have gone overboard with their mission, but it is not always easy to control them. We have very limited resources here and most of the people who join us nowadays have nowhere else to go but this place, so they aren’t as well trained as the Stormtroopers were.” He was looking directly at Finn now. “You have to admit that your military training was excellent, don’t you, F- Mr Finn.”

But Finn didn’t respond. He didn’t do anything but stare right back at Bendar.

“Anyway, my people picked up your ship’s signature and, as you know, they overreacted a little.”

That was one hell of an understatement, Poe thought. The _Pinn_ was nothing but scarp metal now and if Bendar had seen any footage of their crash, he must know that. But of course Bendar was trying his best to talk his way out of this. It was obvious that he thought that he was in no position to threaten or touch them in any way. The very thought made Poe tremble with something he couldn’t quite place.

“The only question that remains to be answered now is this… does the Republic know what happened?” The straight out question took Poe by surprise, but it showed quite plainly what Meelan was worried about. That they might be discovered. That whatever they were doing here might be put to an abrupt halt by what Poe and Finn would tell him next.

“Yes, of course they do,” Poe said, though he couldn’t be sure their distress signal had actually reached anyone. But of course he wouldn’t say that. Of course he wouldn’t give away the only bargaining chip he had left. “The question is how long it will take them to get here and take out this… First Order fan club you have assembled here.”

Bendar got up, his hands on the table top and his face so close to Poe this time that it felt for a moment like they were back in that cell. Like Bendar was back in control. Poe could almost smell the scent of the hairs on his arms burning again as waves of electricity shot through his body, causing his muscles to contract painfully. Simultaneously he and Finn got to their feet, so they were facing Bendar. Together this time. Poe wasn’t alone anymore. He wasn’t as helpless as he had been back then and for a brief moment he thought Bendar might actually take a step back. But he didn’t. Bendar didn’t even blink. “I believe that we’ll see what is going to happen next, won’t we?”, Bendar said quietly.

It was obvious that he wouldn’t let them go. He couldn’t. Whatever was going on here, couldn’t be brought to the Republic’s attention, if it could be helped. Poe knew it and so did Bendar. With a short nod, Poe managed a cocky smile, though he didn’t feel like it.

“I guess we will, Bendar.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry this took so long! I'm just really busy with my placement at the moment and just returned from a trip to wonderful Eisenach to visit the place where Martin Luther translated the New Testament. This place was SUCH an inspiration... but still I'm sorry! I hope you liked this chapter! The next ones will be up soon! I promise!


	13. Coup de Grâce

“You punched him!” It was the first thing Finn said, before Poe even had the chance to take in his surroundings properly, after they had been pushed into yet another cell and the doors had closed behind them. “You actually punched him!” Finn was a bit out of breath and his eyes were shining with the same enthusiasm Poe had seen in them the day they had met. Just before they had hijacked that Tie-fighter together.

            Poe shook his head with a grin. Finn’s face was so close that it almost took up his entire field of vision. “It didn’t help our situation though, did it?” Plus, he could already feel the right side of his face starting to bruise. Another sign that punching Bendar hadn’t been a good idea. Still, he couldn’t help but acknowledge that it had felt pretty good.

            “No,” Finn admitted, still grinning and grabbing Poe by the shoulders, apparently afraid to touch his cheek in case it hurt Poe even more, but he still pressed a quick kiss to Poe’s lips. “Still. I’ve never seen you punch anyone before.”

            Raising an eyebrow hurt. “You haven’t?” Poe asked and shrugged, before gently disentangling himself from Finn’s embrace. “I didn’t have much opportunity these last couple of years.” He had never been particularly good at physical combat and had avoided it during the war for as long as he could. He preferred flying and shooting. Of course the consequences in that particular area were usually much more destructive. He managed a smile and stepped past Finn into the cell. The air here was stale and cold, but just as Poe took a step towards the narrow bunk, he heard some kind of ventilation system coming on.

            “No,” Finn said again and he heard Finn take a step towards him. This cell was a lot smaller than the one on the ship had been and the walls showed visible signs of disrepair. The bed itself was way too small for the both of them to fit comfortably, but they’d make do somehow. “I’m proud of you though…” Finn’s arms encircled him again and this time Poe didn’t pull away. He welcomed the warmth radiating from Finn’s body and the comfort his mere presence provided. He hadn’t felt like this in years, though of course he had always felt good around Finn. But this was different. Like, whatever had been missing in their relationship had been returned to them over night. “This Bendar guy,” Finn said softly in his ear, but he didn’t finish the sentence. Apparently he was unable to find the words to describe what he was thinking.

            Poe looked down at Finn’s arms and put a hand on Finn’s cheek. He felt the rough stubble there but didn’t mind. He never had really. A clean shaven Finn was just as welcome to him as a Finn with stubble. “I couldn’t help myself,” he said. “I didn’t think-” Finn’s lips on his neck made him stop abruptly and he closed his eyes. They were still in trouble and it was highly unlikely they’d get out of this any time soon, but he still couldn’t keep himself from enjoying Finn’s gentle kisses on his skin, paired with this indescribable warmth enveloping him like a cocoon. “I’m sorry,” he whispered as hot tears shot to his eyes. He had treated Finn unfairly for a very long time and the weight of it seemed to push down heavily on his shoulders. “I… I kept dreaming of back then… of- of Bendar and of Morap and I-“ His confession was put to an abrupt stop, by Finn turning him around roughly and shoving him onto the bed. Before Poe knew what was happening, Finn was there again, lying next to him and pressing Poe’s body against the wall. Finn’s arms were wrapped tightly around him, one of his hands on the back of his head, pulling Poe’s face to his shoulder.

            “I know…” Finn said so softly that Poe wasn’t even sure he had heard it and hadn’t it been for Finn’s breath in his hair, he would have though he had imagined it. “You don’t have to tell me.”

            “You deserve to know… you deserve to know everything.” Poe felt helpless. As helpless as he had never felt in his entire life. Like he was falling, but he knew that somehow, somewhere there was Finn waiting to catch him. He felt like a child waiting for his mother to come to his bedroom, after he had just woken up from a horrible nightmare. Like that moment where you feel like she’d never get there in time to save you from whatever was still lurking in the dark.

            Finn stayed silent for a while, not speaking, not talking, just holding Poe in his arms and occasionally combing his fingers through Poe’s hair. “Maybe… maybe we can find a way without you having to talk…”

            Poe was trembling in Finn’s arms, but he didn’t pull away. For one there was nowhere to turn. Nowhere to run. On the other hand, he meant what he had said. Finn had every right to know. Especially now. He didn’t resist, when he felt the gentle pressure that was Finn. Didn’t resist, though he gasped for air, as this something somehow started to fold in around him like a warm blanket on a cold winter’s night. He felt the strain it was putting on Finn, felt how much effort it took him and Poe forced himself to relax even more to allow him entrance. His breath quickened, the more Finn pushed his way in, but he let him and let his trembling evaporate in Finn’s embrace.

 

 

His father was talking to the other officers and there was nothing for Morap to do but watch and listen. His hands were still shaking. What he had seen back in the conference room had been painful to watch, especially since he had been unable to stop it. Any of it.

            “Sir, we can’t be sure the Republic is actually going to find us here. They have no jurisdiction in this part of the galaxy.”

            Morap didn’t even look up at Kayla. She had been right at his father’s side ever since the meeting had started. His father had assembled them first thing in the morning and Morap had been with him since the break of dawn. After the prisoners had been escorted to one of the holding cells, his father had sent off a couple of urgent memos, asking his officers to meet him early the next morning for another emergency meeting and Meelan had been asked to participate as well, even though he was of no help and the more he heard the officers and his father say, the less he wanted to hear. He understood that those two prisoners shouldn’t be here. That their mere presence was posing a danger to them all, but at the same time he understood that his father was unwilling to get rid of them, though the tension between them had been more than apparent. He was grateful that his father didn’t seem too keen on the idea of killing prisoners, but at the same time worried to hear that the other officers spoke of execution like it was a regular thing.

            “No, they don’t,” his father said through clenched teeth, his hands on the table over which the hologram of a planet Morap had never seen before was hovering. It showed 16-MG-85 and his father was glaring at the settlement which had been attacked like it was the cause for all their troubles. “But, as you may remember, someone was stupid enough to take those two former fighters of the Resistance prisoner and now there are survivors left on that planet who saw them being taken by our soldiers. Therefore, the Republic is bound to come looking for them. Here.”

            Kayla kept silent, but Morap saw Cateer, Yujeen’s father bite his lips. “So we are actually going through with it. We are evacuating this place?”

“The shuttles are being loaded,” his father said and Morap felt the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. He had heard his father talk about evacuation to his mother the previous night, while the wintry thunder storm was rolling over the base. Morap hadn’t really known another home but this one and he didn’t want to leave. Somehow leaving this planet felt like dropping into an endless abyss. “How far are we, Gray?”

Gray, a man much older than his father, who had been a young officer back in the days of the old Empire and a smuggler until after the war between the First Order and the New Republic, scratched his beard. He had joined them shortly after the Order’s fall and had helped his father set up his business contacts, Morap knew. He was reliable, his father had told him and that was the most important thing, especially in this situation. “We can’t take too much spice with us at the moment,” Gray said. “The soldier’s equipment has higher priority. The families will be next. We have enough room for everyone on base on our ships and room for provisions for about a week, but we need to find a new base of operations soon.”

His father waved him off. “I know, but we are going to worry about that later.” Morap could practically see his father holding back a sigh. “I want you all to attend to your duties. You know what you have to do. We have to get going. Fast.” He nodded and looked around at everyone assembled with him at the holo. “Dismissed.”

The officers nodded and Morap watched as a couple of them left the room and others went to work stations to follow their orders. He only just saw his father begin to turn around and looked down at his knees. He had sat down on one of the chairs a couple of minutes ago. After two hours of discussions on whether or not they actually should follow the plan through, he hadn’t been able to stand upright anymore.

“Morap?” The soft tone of voice with which his father said his name made Morap look up. The spot where that man his father had called Dameron had hit him was still visible. They hadn’t talked about what had happened the previous night and Morap was somehow hesitant to even ask. He had never seen his father fighting someone else, let alone smack another man’s head on the table with such force that Morap could still hear the sound in his ears. His father killing the Askija had been something else entirely. Morap had been too shocked by what had happened, but the Askija had been an animal and about to attack him and Embee. This fight with Dameron had been different and had felt more real than that gruesome event in the woods.

“Morap, could you please look at me, when I’m talking to you?”

Morap heard the scratching of a chair over the floor and it took a lot of effort to look up at his father. “Yes,” Morap mumbled quietly.

“I want you to stay with me for as long as possible and watch what is going on here, okay? But you don’t need to be worried, we’ll be fine. I promise.” He was smiling slightly, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. His father was worried and Morap knew why.

He had heard his mother and father fighting the night before. Just after Meelan had told his wife that they needed to leave and that he wanted her on the first shuttle to one of the transports already waiting in the atmosphere, Nataleeh had sent her son to his room. He had been able to hear them well enough though. He had sat on his bed, holding on tight to the crystal his father had returned to him without a word, while his parents argued. His mother wouldn’t leave without Morap or her husband. She wouldn’t leave them. Not even to protect the baby.

Morap turned to look around at her. She was standing nearby, talking to Kayla. Somehow, during the course of the night, she had taken to help organize the evacuation and Morap knew that his father was still furious about it. “Why can’t you just… let them go?”, Morap asked quietly and turned to look back at his father.

“Because they have already seen too much. They know too much and moreover, they are here and-,” he sighed. “It would be too dangerous to let them go. They’d only lead the Republic here and we can’t stay here.”

Morap nodded. He had understood this last night, but something was still nagging at him. “Who are they? How do you know them?”

His father looked like he had been expecting this question, but wasn’t too keen on answering it. He put an arm around Morap’s shoulders, while around them everyone was busily working on the evacuation. “This man, Dameron-“

“The one who punched you?” Morap shivered as he recalled the moment and the sound that had gone along with it.

His father put on a crooked smile. “The very one. He was a pilot for the Resistance back in the day and… I met him during the war. It’s a long story, believe me, but it wasn’t a particularly nice encounter.”

Morap didn’t want to know the details, but he felt like they were closing in on the person his father had shown him the night before. The person who had been willing and capable of fighting someone else and nearly killing him in the process. The threat had hung heavily on the air and Morap was sure that he never wanted so see his father like that again. “And he’s angry with you…” Morap concluded, though that was obviously an understatement. “And I’m glad that you didn’t but… but why won’t you kill him?” He had to ask. Had to ask why his father had acted the way he had back in that conference room. Why he hadn’t pulled the trigger on someone, even though it would have made things easier.

“Well… for one, like you know the Republic might come looking for him… or rather, them.”

Morap nodded. That had been clear, but there had been something in his father’s eyes, just for a moment, which had shown the desire to actually do more harm. To kill.

“On the other hand… you remember I once told you about your uncle? The one you were named after?”

Another nod. Morap had always been fond of his name for this very reason. His father’s brother had died and his father had wanted to keep the memory of him alive, even though the other Morap Bendar had left the First Order. Somehow the very idea of this other Morap had been a comfort to him in times when he thought he didn’t belong. Like, whatever he did, he’d never lose his father’s love.

“Well,” his father said again. “As it turns out, this man, Dameron, was my brother’s lover for quite some time. As a matter of fact, he was his lover until the day Morap died and… I don’t like Dameron very much. Far from it, but there’s always my brother to consider. Do you understand?”

Morap stayed quiet for a while. Slowly but surely what had happened last night was starting to make sense to him. They were enemies, but were unable to openly fight one another, because of this man that connected them somehow. But still something had snapped for this man called Dameron and he had started attacking his father. Whatever it had been, Morap had this strange feeling that his father wasn’t telling him everything. “Were they married?”, he asked. “My uncle and this Dameron guy?”

His father shrugged. “I don’t know,” he answered. “I really don’t, but by the looks of it, it must have been something like that.” With a sigh, he let go of Morap and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “I don’t really know him, or their story, but I can’t forget that there was something between them and that, if things had been different, we might not even be enemies today. I don’t know…” It was as if his father was saying this for the first time, maybe even thinking of it like this the first time, but Morap felt, like something had changed. Something was different the moment his father said it. He still couldn’t get the furious look on that man’s face out of his mind, as he stormed forward to throw a punch at his father. Morap was still sure that he didn’t like the man and was very likely never to do so, but what his father was telling him here, what he probably didn’t even realize himself, was that Meelan Bendar was putting his personal feelings over the good of their community. Of course it was highly unlikely that killing the prisoners could in any way make them safer, but Morap knew that his father wouldn’t even order to kill them once they were all off base. He’d leave them here and risk them telling the Republic about what they had seen rather than get rid of them and all of this was because his father couldn’t bring himself to do it. Because of his brother.

“You look a lot like your uncle, you know that? Except for the hair maybe,” his father said, an almost sad smile on his face.

Morap shook his head. He had never seen pictures of his uncle and he doubted his father had any. It felt weird, sitting here in the base’s main control room, surrounded by people coordinating their retreat and the first shuttles flying past their windows on their way to the ships waiting in orbit. “Why did he leave the First Order?”, he asked quietly. “You always say that it was the best way to live, but he left. Why?”

Before his father had the chance to answer this question, his mother had approached them and put a hand on Morap’s shoulder. “What are you two talking about?”, she asked with a smile on her face, but she looked at Morap, not at her husband. Morap threw a glance at his father, but Meelan didn’t meet her eyes. Apparently their fight still wasn’t over and he still wanted her to leave as soon as possible, but of course he wouldn’t make a scene in front of his officers.

“My uncle,” Morap explained. “This other Morap. Apparently he had something going on with one of the prisoners.”

Nataleeh nodded, still smiling, though not as brightly anymore. “That’s what I hear. But that doesn’t really matter now, does it?”

Morap wasn’t entirely sure that was true. Of course it mattered. Greatly. Who that other man was, the one who had been with Dameron, Morap couldn’t tell, but he felt like this other man played no role in what was going on between his father and Dameron. Not really.

Meelan nodded slightly and took a deep breath before answering, but he was interrupted by Gray, who had been standing at one of the consoles. “Several ships just dropped out of hyperspace, Sir.”

All of a sudden, Morap was sure that he’d hear a pin drop, had anyone bothered to let one fall to the ground. Everyone inside the room was silent, all their eyes fixed on his father. Meelan got up from his chair. There was no outward sign of nervousness on his face, or in his posture, as he walked across the room towards Gray. Nataleeh’s hand on Morap’s shoulder felt heavy, but he didn’t shake it off, as his father clasped his hands behind his back and looked at the readouts in front of him. For a moment Morap felt like he could hear is own heartbeat. He knew that all their ships were here. They weren’t expecting anyone. No one, but the enemy.

“We’re picking up a transmission,” A young man standing at a console not far from Morap said.

Meelan looked up. He looked pale, but determined as he turned towards the central console. “Patch it through,” he said. The next moment Morap could see the hologram of a creature he had never seen in his life appear in the very same spot where the hologram of the planet had been moments before. Morap held back a gasp as he looked at the being staring down at his father with its huge nostrils and smallish eyes. The mouth, which was more of a snout than anything else, opened and the voice issuing from it sounded grumpy, but not at all unlike any human’s. Morap got up and stared up at the hologram with his mouth slightly open and his mother pulled him closer towards her.

“This is General Kyp Clayn from the Republic’s cruiser _Liberty_ contacting whoever is holding the base on the planet below. Please respond.”

 Morap watched as his father nodded at the young man who had announced the incoming message and shortly afterwards straightened his shoulders. His face was impassive, absolutely void of any emotion, but it didn’t do much to help Morap relax.

“This is Meelan Bendar, commander of this base. May I ask what has brought you here?”

Morap realized at once that his father had omitted to name the rank he was holding and he looked up at his mother, who didn’t even realize that he was looking at her. Her eyes were fixed on her husband talking to this strange creature from the Republic.

“We have intelligence that you are holding two of our citizens hostage and are furthermore leading a smuggler ring, which is taking drugs to the Republic. I ask you to surrender immediately.”

Meelan didn’t even flinch. “I am afraid you are mistaken, General. I have no idea where you got that information, but I can assure you that there is no one here on this planet who doesn’t want to be.”

“You are willing to undergo an inspection, then?”

“As you are well aware you have no jurisdiction here whatsoever and I must impress upon you that our ships in orbit are willing to protect our base at all costs.”

“I give you an hour, Bendar.”

 

 

He couldn’t declare war on the Republic. He just couldn’t! Just thinking about what the consequences for him, his family and everyone else on base might be, robbed him of the ability to breathe. If he surrendered, on the other hand, and delivered the prisoners to them, Clayn might attack anyway. As soon as the transmission from the Republic ship had been cut off, he had turned to everyone assembled in the control room. Only the older officers, the ones who had witnessed the demise of the First Order, had returned his gaze with a kind of detached optimism he himself had learned to assume. The younger ones had gone terribly pale and he could see them exchanging looks of desperation. He was responsible for them. Every single one. Whichever answer he sent out to Clayn would decide their fate and he knew that his contacts within the Republic’s senate would not get them out of this nightmare. This was too big. This whole organization had grown too big too fast and he had known for a long time that a lot of his men couldn’t be trusted with important decisions, but he had been unable to change this and that was why they were here now. Why he had failed.

            “Return to your tasks,” he said quietly and started moving towards the door. “I need to talk to the prisoners.” Everyone was watching him. He felt their eyes upon him and knew that all of them were wondering what the hell he was going to do next. He didn’t even meet his wife’s gaze, as he moved past her and stepped out into the corridor. Purposefully he took a few steps into the direction of the cells and then stopped to take a deep breath. It took a lot of effort not to lean up against the wall to his left.

Only when he heard her steps behind him, did he turn around. There she was, standing a couple of feet behind him, her eyes fixed upon his. There was so much to be said and so little to be done. They had fought the previous night and he knew that he should have forced her, somehow, to leave. To take Morap and leave. But of course, were she on board one of the ships still in orbit, she would be trapped just like she was down here now.

Shaking his head slightly he walked towards her. She looked so helpless, though of course he knew that she wasn’t. Far from it. She had been raised in the First Order, just like him and just like him she had learned everything about loyalty. That was why she had stayed. That was why she wouldn’t leave him. Had their roles been reversed, he knew that nothing could have forced him to leave her side either. Not in their current uncertain situation.

“What are you going to tell them?”, she whispered. The door to the control room had closed behind her. They were alone.

“I don’t know,” he admitted without hesitation and cupped her face in his hands. They were standing so close now that he felt her stomach on his. The baby was kicking wildly and the mere feeling of tiny fists or feet bumping hard against him made him fight for composure. “But I’ll figure something out. I promise.” He had to. He simply had to find a way to make this right. To save her and their children, even if he couldn’t save himself or his base and everyone else on it. They had to be protected at all costs. Cupping her face in his hands, he pulled her even closer and gently kissed her on the lips. There wasn’t much time, he knew, but he couldn’t help himself but draw it out for as long as possible. Her lips were as soft and welcoming as they had been the night they had met and her scent was almost overwhelming at this moment. When he heard the door open several feet behind her, he pulled away and only barely managed to blink away the tears, which, for some strange reason, had managed to make their way to his eyes.

Morap was standing there right behind Nataleeh and with a slight smile, Meelan kissed his wife on the forehead. “Wait here for me,” he said quietly and let her go. She didn’t seem to want to let him go, however. She was still holding on to his arm, but there was no time for him to talk about what might happen. Not right now. Several precious minutes had already passed.

“Both of you.”

Reluctantly Nataleeh took a step back and nodded. “Take care.” Her eyes were fixed on his and he could see the plea she didn’t dare voice in front of their son. She knew just as well as he did that he had a soft spot for Dameron, because of his brother, despite everything. He hadn’t held anything back from her. Never. As a result, she had been the one to suggest they name their first born son after the brother Meelan had lost all those years ago.

He managed to smile at them both, before turning around and walking off in the direction of the holding cells. He didn’t meet anyone on his way there. Apparently everyone, who hadn’t been in the control room and hadn’t heard what that Republic scum had said, was still busy preparing the evacuation. That was just as well. There was nothing anyone could do at the moment. Even ordering everyone to continue with their tasks was not going to help anyone. The only good it did was keep them all busy. The only people he met were the two soldiers guarding the detention block and monitoring the heat signatures within the cells. As the only two prisoners currently in them were in the same cell, they didn’t have much to do. “Come with me,” he ordered them and walked past them into the detention block and towards the door of the holding cell, behind which Dameron and that former Stormtrooper were probably awaiting him. He stopped in his tracks and reached down towards the holster at his belt. For a moment he wondered whether or not he should have taken another officer with him, but that was probably not necessary. He was armed, the two prisoners were not and by the looks of it, they had the upper hand now anyway and they both must know it.

Barely able to hold back an aggravated sigh, he raised his hand and knocked. If anything, he felt like he should at least announce his presence if he was going to ask anything of them and he knew of course that that was exactly what he must do now. Without really waiting for an answer, he waved his hand over the sensor and the door in front of him slid open. He immediately saw them both sitting on the narrow bunk, Dameron’s greying hair slightly dishevelled and both their clothes ruffled even more than they had been the night before. Meelan took a step into the cell and turned towards the guards behind him. “Wait outside,” he told them and they retreated a couple of steps back inside the corridor, at least giving the impression of providing him and the prisoners with privacy.

The former Stormtrooper was the first to stand and Meelan couldn’t help but notice that the man’s stance still resembled the one he must have been taught so long ago. Upright, shoulders squared and the look in his eyes threatening. Dameron was right behind him, though he didn’t appear to be as stunned or as angry as he had been the previous night.

“What a nice surprise,” Dameron said and put a hand on the other’s shoulder. “Come to join us for tea?”

Meelan snorted and shook his head. “I’ve come to talk, actually.”

The man Dameron called Finn crossed his arms across his chest and raised his eyebrow. “No big conference room for that this time around? What’s up?” He was shivering and his eyes were bloodshot. Meelan had no idea what had been going on here, but this man looked exhausted.

“No need to open hostilities right away,” Meelan said, trying to sound as calm as possible. He took a deep breath and turned to look at Dameron again. He had been a commander in the Resistance and was probably still serving in the Republic’s navy in some function or other. He was the one Meelan needed to talk to. The only one who could possibly get them out of this situation.

“As you may have guessed, Dameron,” Meelan said, clasping his hands behind his back, “your allies have found us. They are drawing ever closer.”

The corners of Dameron’s mouth twitched and Meelan could see that he was barely containing a smirk. It was no wonder, he thought, that his brother had found refuge in this semi rebellious, semi confident smile. Morap had been so afraid of what his future in the First Order might be like that just being able to find comfort in the company of someone, who at least managed to appear like he didn’t give a damn must have been the very thing his brother had needed. Meelan shook off the feeling of melancholy. This wasn’t right. He couldn’t waste time thinking of what his brother and Dameron might have had together.

“I need you to tell the Republic’s ships to withdraw.” Just making this request was more difficult than he could ever have imagined and as soon as the words had left his lips, he knew that he had wasted his breath.

Dameron laughed. “You’re kidding,” he said and turned to look at his partner. “Did you hear that?”

Meelan was barely able to restrain himself from walking forward and grabbing Dameron by the collar and shaking him. It was no use and they both knew it. He just remained standing there, his hands balled into fists. None of this was going as planned. “Please.” Meelan only just managed to get this one single word out through clenched teeth. He hated begging. Hated begging anyone for anything, but this time he needed to do it. For Nataleeh and Morap and the child which hadn’t even been born yet! If he had to ask Dameron for their lives, then that was how things were supposed to go, but it still felt like he was losing every shred of dignity he had ever possessed, asking the man he had tortured for information all those years ago, for a favour.

Dameron shaking his head came as no surprise. “I will do no such thing.”

Those words, as expected as they had been, drove up his heart rate in an instant. He could almost hear the blood rushing in his ears and didn’t even really pick up the noises coming from the corridor, the sudden shaking of the walls around them. Their time was up and he had been unable to put a hold to any of it. “I have a family, Dameron! They are here! All three of them!”

There was silence. Silence, in which nothing but the distant rumbling of cannon fire hitting duroconcrete could be heard. Meelan stared into those brown eyes. Those eyes he had stared into a long time ago. Back then he had won. Back then he had held all the cards. Now everything was different. Without even needing Dameron to say it, he knew that he had lost.

“You shouldn’t have brought them into this, should you?” Finn’s voice was eerily calm. Distant even. Moreover, he wasn’t even looking at him, but at a point somewhere behind Meelan.

Whirling around, Meelan saw his son standing there, his eyes fixed on the tall man, who had just spoken. His eyes were wide and in his hands he was holding that crystal again. The distant look in his eyes seemed to pull the ground from underneath Meelan’s feet. It was as if Morap wasn’t even here anymore and just seeing him like that was excruciating.

“Let them go, Dad…” The tone of voice in which he said this matched the look in his eyes and Meelan shivered, as he walked out the cell door and let it close shut behind him with a wave of his hand. It was as if breaking the eye contact between Morap and the man at Dameron’s side had no effect on the boy whatsoever. He could still hear the rumbling above them. Not long, until this complex was in real danger, and the mere thought made cold sweat pour down his back. Where were their ships? Had they been obliterated already or had they left? Meelan couldn’t possibly tell which might be worse.

Putting a shaky hand on his son’s shoulder, he pulled the boy away from the door. The guards hadn’t moved an inch. His hand was still trembling, as he reached for his comm to contact the control room. Whatever happened next, it had to happen fast, or none of them would stand a chance of surviving this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright... we're getting there. Only three chapters to go. I finished writing this story by the way? Did I tell you? The final chapters are still in the process of being edited and I'll have them up soon. I promise!!


	14. Truce

** Chapter 14 **

**Truce**

 

Asking for a ceasefire had been among the hardest things he had ever had to do. Keeping the trembling out of his voice as he contacted Clayn took more effort than he could possibly have imagined, but Morap was standing right behind him and he owed it to his boy to remain as calm and seemingly confident as he possibly could. The soldiers’ presence didn’t even bother him. They didn’t matter. Not really. Their fate was as undecided as his own. His children and his wife had to be taken care of before everyone else. How could he have let this happen? How could he have let their lives be turned upside down in an instant?

            He knew exactly what had gone wrong, he reminded himself. He had let others do the work he should have done and he had let too much control out of his hands and now he had to pay the price. Had he only given himself and the other former First Order officers more time to build up this organization, this wouldn’t have happened. At least, he thought, Nataleeh knew exactly how to access the credits he had been able to stash away in an unnamed banking account a couple of months ago. If she and their children got out of here safely, they’d have enough to live on for a while.

            The words had passed his lips and he felt numb, while at the same time the comm felt like a completely alien object in his trembling hand as he waited for Clayn’s response. Moments, drawn out into what felt like hours, passed before the rumbling above their heads finally stopped. The sudden quiet told him like nothing else could have done that the few people around him were holding their breath.

            The shuffling of feet announced Morap drawing closer and without taking his eyes off the door leading out of the detention block, Meelan put his arm around his son’s shoulders. Only now did he realize how bony they were. On top of that they were also a bit higher above the ground than they had been the last time he had put even a single thought to the growth spurts Morap tended to have without the slightest announcement. When had been the last time Meelan had even considered his son’s height? Meelan couldn’t remember, but the mere thought brought tears to his eyes and he only just managed to fight them off. He was being too emotional and by far not composed enough for what was likely to come.

            The voice issuing from his comm was undoubtedly Clayn’s. “As you may have noticed the ships guarding your base from orbit have withdrawn. Your attempts of firing at us from that rock you’re on have been futile.” He sounded almost bored.

            Meelan pulled his son closer to him. Whatever had happened between them this last week was of no importance anymore. None of it mattered. Yes, Morap had been disobedient once, had been reckless and foolish and whatever was going on with that crystal was utterly incomprehensible to Meelan, but Morap needed to know that his father was only concerned with his wellbeing. But of course Morap knew. Morap wasn’t stupid. Far from it. In a way, he may be even wiser than Meelan. His questions had often managed to throw him off. As he realized that he was thinking of his time with his boy like it was already lost forever, he felt his heart rate pick up. What in the name of all the stars was he going to do if he lost his son or was responsible for his death? All of a sudden he felt like he should have spent even more time with his family. It hadn’t been enough. It had never been enough.

            Taking a deep breath, Meelan raised the comm to his lips once more, fully aware that everyone currently stationed in the control room could hear what was being said and was likely already expecting to hear what Meelan was about to announce. They had observed the ships retreating after all and one fool had apparently thought it a good idea to open fire at the Republic’s ships in a pre-emptive strike without even bothering to evaluate what the consequences of such an action might be.

            “We surrender, General,” Meelan said in as neutral a tone of voice as he could muster. At the same time, he imagined the resigned looks on the faces of the people in the control room and the worried expression Nataleeh must have shown for an instant, before reverting to her usual mask of strength. She was strong, he knew, but was she capable of doing what must be done next on her own? Yes… probably. She was stronger than he was.

            “You do?” The general’s voice was dripping with sarcasm. “Very well, Mr Bendar. We accept. What about-“

            “Our guests would like to be picked up, thank you,” Meelan interrupted him, unable to listen to Clayn any longer. He’d probably have to spend more time talking to the man than he could stand anyway. “We’ll be awaiting the pickup shuttle in front of the main building.” He turned off the comm without even bothering to wait for an answer. By surrendering he had given up all control he had over their operation and whatever happened next would happen with or without his consent.

            Not even taking a moment to compose himself, he bowed down to Morap, so they were face to face. “Morap, I want you to go to your mother.”

            He could practically see the “but” forming on Morap’s lips, but the boy held himself back with what seemed to be a lot of effort. He turned to look around at the cell and the two guards standing in front of it. “Alright…”, he whispered in a hushed voice, before looking at his father again. He understood that he had no place in what his father had to do next and that he had to be with his mother in case anything went wrong. But Meelan could also see that his son wanted him to come along to the control room.

            “I will see you soon,” Meelan said quietly, refraining from making any promises. He couldn’t give any. Not anymore. It was very likely that he wouldn’t be able to do so for a very long time.

            With a nod, Morap hugged him one more time and then turned around to leave the detention block. Meelan watched his son’s retreat only for a couple of heartbeats, then turned around to the guards. Nataleeh would know what to do, he reassured himself.

            “Get them out,” he said to the guards, who had surely been listening to every word that had been said these last couple of minutes. They didn’t comment on anything, however, and one of them turned around to open the door and waved at the two prisoners to get out of the cell. The other one was already holding up two pairs of handcuffs, but as Meelan stepped towards them, he shook his head. “We won’t be needing those.”

            Not for the first time he was glad that he couldn’t see the soldiers’ faces and instead turned to look at Dameron and his companion. “Follow me, please.” Phrasing what would have been an order under different circumstances as a request, felt foreign, but he managed it without letting anything show on his face.

            “Where to?” the former Stormtrooper asked.

            “I- We have decided to let you go after all, Mr Finn,” Meelan answered in as calm a tone as he could muster and looked the man up and down. He didn’t notice the hole in the man’s jacket and shirt for the first time and remembered the footage he had seen earlier. He had been shot down by a blaster, but there didn’t seem to be any damage beyond the fabric, on his skin. He must have been treated on board the _Endeavour_.

            “You surrendered,” Dameron stated, but he wasn’t smiling this time. He was staring at Meelan with an intensity Meelan didn’t even want to analyse. Just returning the gaze made the bruise on his chin throb uncomfortably.

He shrugged instead and turned to the guards. “Stay here,” he told them, unable to think of anywhere else they could possibly go. This place would be swarming with the Republic’s soldiers sooner rather than later anyway. Without pausing another second to consider Dameron or Finn, he whirled around, telling the two former prisoners to follow him and started heading for the exit. “Do you know General Clayn?”, he asked as they reached the door and he turned his head slightly to look at the two of them. They were standing close to each other. Very close. Closer than two friends would probably be standing. This alone would have confirmed Meelan’s suspicions on what had happened in the cell shortly before he had turned up, and despite the desperate situation he was in, he couldn’t help but wonder how concerned those two could have possibly been about their prospects if they had felt safe enough to engage in those kinds of activities. Just looking at the state their clothes and hair were in, would have been confirmation enough.

            Meelan held back a sneer and opened the door, as Dameron made to answer.

“Not personally, no.”

So Dameron _was_ still serving in the Republic’s military. This came as no surprise. From what Meelan had gathered from his interview with Dameron all those years ago, he wouldn’t have thought Dameron, who must have spent most of his life flying, would quit doing so after the end of the war.

Meelan nodded as if he didn’t really care, but Dameron’s answer didn’t help him in his assessment of the commander of the enemy ships. Of course he hadn’t expected Dameron’s help at this point. He kept walking for several more minutes, turning corners and up three flights of broad, barely used stairs, towards the main exit, the two men right behind him, when he heard quick footsteps approaching them from a corridor leading to the one they were walking along now. Kayla appeared as they reached the intersection and when she stepped right in front of him, he didn’t pause to stop, but he saw her looking at Dameron and Finn, before falling into step next to him. Her hair was impeccable as always, but her expression showed all too plainly that she was worried.

“Sir-“, she began, but Meelan shook his head.

“Forget it, Kayla,” he said, refusing to call her by her rank in front of Dameron, lest he tell Clayn even more about the military structure they had set up here. The Republic wouldn’t look too kindly at the soldiers or in fact anything they had set up here. “Go to your daughter. She’s going to need you now.” The words came to him easily, even if he felt like they should have been harder to say. This needed to be said and she needed to stop caring about their organization and start worrying about her family. “And take care of my wife, please.”

Kayla didn’t stop in her tracks, until they had reached the door. For the first time, since he had managed to drag her off the bridge on that fateful day on which the First Order had perished, just after Meelan had realized that she was pregnant with Mitaka’s child and needed to be saved, he saw something on her face, which showed only too plainly that she didn’t want to go and abandon what had been her way of life. But it had to be done.

He nodded in reassurance, ignoring the stares of the men behind him.

“You know very well that she can do that herself, Sir,” she said hoarsely, but her eyes remained mercifully dry as she turned and walked back to the corridor she had emerged from without pausing to look at Dameron of Finn.

“You take better care of them than I would’ve thought,” he heard Finn say and Meelan turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Really?”, he asked, unable to fully keep the rising anger out of his voice. “What makes you think I wouldn’t take care of my people?”

He could see the answer on Finn’s face and for a moment he considered smashing his fist into that smug face. He was defeated and the way this man was looking at him was simply infuriating.

“No one took care of the Stormtroopers,” Finn said quietly, his brow furrowed. “You remember that, don’t you? And what about your Stormtroopers here? Who are they? Do you mind if they get killed if it gets you to where you want to be.”

“You know nothing,” Meelan hissed and turned to open the door and for a moment he considered telling this man that he had no right to assume anything, until he remembered that Finn _had_ been a Stormtrooper once and of course knew that those soldiers had been considered expendable. “They aren’t called Stormtroopers,” was all he said. He didn’t have the time or the patience to go into detail of their new recruitment process or discuss ethics.

“Really? What are they called, then?”

Meelan could hear the anger in the man’s voice, but he still didn’t reply. What use was it anyway? He held his hand in front of the sensor by the door, which scanned his hand and the door slid open shortly afterwards. The sun was shining brightly and it stung Meelan’s eyes, as he stepped outside. The transport hadn’t arrived yet, but he could see the Republic’s starfighters flying overhead, obviously scanning more intensively for possible dangers. Just seeing them here and knowing that there was nothing he could do to stop them, made his insides clench, but he stepped outside nonetheless, doing his best at appearing like he was in control of everything going on around here, even though the very fact that he hadn’t brought guards showed only too plainly that he wasn’t. That he had given up and surrendered completely.

            “Finn,” he heard Dameron say, but he didn’t continue, apparently unable to tell his partner off.

            Meelan’s lips were forming a very tight line. They had reached the centre of the training field and icy wind was blowing in their faces. High above them the sky had cleared and Meelan looked up, only to see that his ships had indeed left. He couldn’t help but think that the commanders on those ships hat fled the Republic rather than protect the place they had once called home. Funnily enough he didn’t feel betrayed or disappointed. On some level he hadn’t expected anything else from those who hadn’t been raised by the First Order and who were only looking for their own gain and trying to find it in his organization.

            “They just work here,” he said. “No one was forced into this the way the Stormtroopers were… maybe that was the whole problem.” He didn’t expect Dameron to understand what he was saying, but he was sure that Finn would and he had been the one to ask. Yes, the Stormtroopers had been considered expendable, but they had been more loyal to the Order than the people who had abandoned everyone on this base.

            Meelan looked at Dameron and Finn over his shoulder. They weren’t standing together as close anymore, but they were demonstrating only too plainly that neither of them was willing to show any kind of sympathy and Meelan didn’t expect any. Who did they think they were, showing off their imagined superiority like a weapon, when it wasn’t even necessary anymore.

            They fell silent again and Meelan was grateful that he didn’t have to talk. He only looked out at the forest stretching out at their feet, though he couldn’t bear to look at the complex behind them. This place had been his home for such a long time and he knew that he would probably never see it or his family ever again.

            He only just managed to keep his body from flinching, when Dameron stepped closer to him, leaving the sanctuary that his partner’s presence must be, and stood next to Meelan. They hadn’t known each other long, but Meelan knew that Dameron must be more aware of him than vice versa and Meelan couldn’t help but admire the man’s courage. Dameron had been a mess the day Meelan had led him to his execution, had done everything that had been demanded of him and demonstrated how broken he was. Meelan had saved him, had staged Dameron’s death and helped him escape, but he had seen that he had been the one to break the best pilot in the Resistance. Probably not by mere torture alone, but by simply being who he was: the brother of Dameron’s former lover who bore a significant resemblance to said man. Meelan himself had been able to blend out who Dameron must have been to his brother for the duration of the interview. It had been necessary to do so in order to be able to perform his duty, but afterwards… Meelan still remembered the moment he had stepped into his private quarters and had smashed his datapad against the wall in frustration. Just being confronted with Morap at this point in time, with his wife pregnant at home and his whole life heading in the right direction, had unhinged him. From that moment on he had known exactly that he couldn’t just let Dameron die.

            “How could you have been so stupid, Bendar?”, Dameron said, his voice void of any kind of sarcasm or anger.

            Meelan knew exactly what he meant. The last two days had been a fiasco and their undoing had started unfurling right in front of them the moment Dameron and Finn had been taken prisoner. “Not me,” Meelan said. “My people.” It wasn’t entirely true, he knew, but he couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice. He had been responsible for them. For their stupidity.

            Far ahead, he could see a ship, which must be the shuttle which would take the two of them away, rushing towards them over the lake, rippling the water underneath and then climbing up again over the treetops and heading in their direction.

            “You put your family in danger here. You know that. Why?” Dameron didn’t seem to be willing to let this go. Why the hell did he want to talk so badly? And why didn’t Meelan seem to mind?

            Meelan looked at the man, whose eyes were fixated on the shuttle heading in their direction. Dameron’s face wasn’t as lined as the grey in his hair would have suggested, but he still looked older than he had ten years ago. Who was this man? Meelan still wasn’t entirely sure, and all of a sudden he remembered what he had told his son only about two hours ago. That if things had been different they might not be enemies today. The thought alone seemed ridiculous, but Meelan couldn’t help but wonder why he had said it.

            “Had the First Order won the war,” he said quietly, “would you have acquired their lifestyle?”, he asked, “Or would you, Finn, have just rejoined us? Gone back to living the way we did back then?”

            Neither Finn, nor Dameron said anything to that and Meelan felt a certain sense of grim satisfaction at their silence.

            “That’s what I thought.”

            Dameron shook his head and as the shuttle was about to land in front of them, he faced Meelan. “But your son-“

            “Will be fine. Thank you for your concern!” Meelan didn’t even try to hold back the smirk. The shuttle had put down and he felt a sudden cold take hold of his entire being. A cold which had nothing to do with the smell of snow on the air or the wintry breeze blowing about them.

            Dameron nodded and seemed to want to say something else, but then the shuttle’s loading ramp was lowered and instead of saying anything else, he did something Meelan hadn’t expected. He held out his hand and without even considering it for a single moment, Meelan took hold of it and shook it as the Republic’s soldiers issued out of the shuttle’s interior.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone involved!
> 
> Dear Reader, if you have come this far: thank you! Please let me know what you think! There are still two more updates to go (I'm going to update the last chapter in combination with the epilogue)


	15. Revelations

** Chapter 15 **

**Revelations**

 

Finn didn’t take his eyes off Bendar for even a second as Poe scrutinized him for a moment and then stretched out his hand for his enemy to shake. Bendar’s face didn’t betray anything but a certain sense of relief, which Finn couldn’t quite place. Poe manged a smile and Finn knew exactly what that smile and that handshake cost him. But instead of keeping both to himself, he offered them to Bendar freely and by doing so he was proving again that he was the better man.

            Bendar let go of Poe’s hand as soon as the soldiers had reached them. Four of them stayed with them, while the others started moving towards the main entrance. More shuttles were already approaching and, while a couple of them were heading in their direction, most of them were aiming for the main hangar and Finn’s suspicions that Bendar’s people really wouldn’t be allowed to stay here, were confirmed.

            He had to admit that he understood what Bendar had done and why on some level, but that didn’t mean that he could condone any of it. Bendar had let those people on Birken Six die either by not stepping in or by simply allowing that massacre to happen or ordering the attack. Meelan Bendar might care about certain people, but that didn’t mean that he was allowed to treat the rest of the galaxy like garbage just to keep those few he cared about out of harm’s way. Well, his plan had backfired, and but still Finn still felt the violent urge to knock this man to the ground. He could still feel Poe’s terror, could still see that pregnant woman falling to the ground and the town around her burn down to ashes. Pictures like these had been so far away from his mind for such a long time and being thrown right back into them made him feel like the desperate Stormtrooper he had been that night on Jakku right before he had decided to rescue Poe and desert from the First Order.

            Finn looked in the direction of the shuttle again as three people started walking down the ramp. At the sight of them, he suddenly felt like he had missed a step walking down a flight of stairs. He hadn’t expected Rey to show up, or the tall, dark haired man right by her side and the person following them both like a shadow. Rey looked as confident and as serene as she had at his graduation ceremony. They hadn’t talked since, but as she exchanged a few words with her two companions, she didn’t appear angry or worried about their encounter anymore.

            “So… Rey is here, huh?”, Poe said, ignoring Bendar and looking directly at Finn. “And I guess I know one of the other guys. That’s Antilles? Was he in the Resistance?”

            Finn nodded grimly and tried to avoid those piercing blue eyes of the tall man with the round face walking towards them alongside Rey. This only meant however that Finn had to look at the other man, whose hair was a bit shorter than Finn remembered it. The scar on his face, though it had paled somewhat over the years, was still visible.

            “Who is that other guy?”, Poe whispered conspiratorially, but Finn shook his head. The soldiers around them probably didn’t know who that man was either, but they didn’t need to know.

            “So Clayn has sent out a committee to greet you. How wonderful.” Bendar’s sarcasm was nothing but an obvious attempt to mask his insecurity. Finn couldn’t care less about that though. So Rey had brought her cousin along… how fitting. Finn wasn’t sure which of the two men he wanted to talk to less. But at least Nej Antilles was someone Finn could perhaps talk to without getting angry right away. It wasn’t that Nej was a bad guy, only that he hadn’t been very understanding of Finn’s decision to not engage in Force training and the argument that had ensued hadn’t really ended well. Ever since talking to Rey had been difficult as well. Rey’s cousin on the other hand was an entirely different matter.

            “I think they’re here for your benefit as much as ours,” Poe said. “After all, the Jedi are getting more and more involved in the Republic’s matters.”

            Bendar didn’t comment on Poe’s remark, but kept looking at the three people approaching them in their plain, yet unmistakeable robes. If he was nervous, Bendar managed not to show it.

            Rey was the only one meeting Finn’s gaze, though it was hard to tell what she was thinking. Her face didn’t reveal any emotion or even one single thought. Her two companions were focused on Bendar. As they reached them, Finn couldn’t help but wonder, if Rey knew what had happened and why her cousin was with her and her boyfriend. Finn had no idea, why that man, whom Skywalker allowed to be his Force scout, was even here, since it seemed highly unlikely that he would be here for someone already known to be Force-sensitive. There had to be someone else, Finn thought and he remembered that boy, who had accompanied Bendar to their cell. Morap Bendar. Bendar’s son, whose mere presence and wide eyed stare had derailed Finn for a moment. Was the boy the reason all three of them had turned up?

            Poe, who seemed to be catching on to how uncomfortable it made Finn to be close to the Jedi, made to speak up, but Antilles was faster.

            “Bendar?” Nej Antilles’ blue eyes were trained on Bendar and his voice was all business like. Like he didn’t even care that Finn and Poe were right there in front of him as well.

            The former First Order officer nodded and just looking at the way Bendar was standing here on the brink of destruction of everything he had built here on this planet these last seven years, made Finn wonder why this man, who practically appeared to have the very essence of the Order running through his veins, had never become was widely known as General Hux or any of the other leaders Finn had served for the better part of his life. Bendar certainly appeared to have the makings of someone the Order would have considered a very fine officer, but something must have gone wrong for Bendar. Finn had to admit however that he didn’t really care for Bendar’s life story.

            “You’re under arrest, Bendar, for the kidnapping of Commander Dameron and Doctor Finn here. Moreover, you’re suspected of leading a smuggler ring, which is doing business in the Republic and who knows what we else might discover here. Please accompany these men to the shuttle.”

            Bendar had gone even paler, but didn’t say a word or spare another look at Poe or Finn, before he was led away by the soldiers.

            “So,” Rey said quietly, turning to look at Poe, not Finn. Their last encounter at his graduation clearly hadn’t been forgotten by her either. How stupid this whole situation was, Finn thought. They had never been this far apart and this time it was only because of that arrogant so called Jedi at her side. “You like getting yourself into these kind of situations, Poe? Because I recall picking you up after a similar encounter with Bendar a couple of years ago and before that-“

            “Oh, Rey”, Poe interrupted her and put his arm around Finn’s shoulders, as if this whole encounter on a planet ruled by someone who had seemingly tried to re-establish the First Order and had acquired the rank of a minor war lord was nothing more than a mere casual chance meeting in the streets of Hanna City. “You know us too well,” Poe said with a wide grin on his face.

 

Only Rey had accompanied them back to the shuttle, while Antilles and Rey’s cousin remained behind on the planet, looking for something only they knew about. The short trip to the _Liberty_ had passed in total silence, which had only been breached by the engines’ constant rumbling.

            Finn had avoided looking at Rey and simply sat there, his knee touching Poe’s, while the ship glided through the atmosphere and into the space beyond. It had been the only contact to Poe he had allowed himself, since he had no idea whether or not Rey actually did know or feel, or suspect that something had changed and actually talking about it in front of Bendar had seemed horribly wrong, especially since Finn had no idea what was going on with Bendar’s son. But despite being uncomfortable revealing what had happened to Rey, he felt like he owed it to her to be honest about it.

            Clayn hadn’t wanted to talk to him or Poe, so they had been asked to wait in the cafeteria, while Bendar was being questioned by the General. The table at which they were sitting was situated right at a huge window overlooking the main hangar. A mug of caff clutched tightly in his hand, Finn watched as more and more people were escorted from the shuttles to the corridors. How many ships had Clayn brought to this rescue mission?

            When Rey had accompanied them to the cafeteria, shortly before going back to the planet, she had told Poe that their message had indeed been received by the Republic and that several villagers had survived the attack on Birken Six and one of them, probably one of the few people capable of flying a ship and therefore in possession of the much needed information on the location of Bendar’s base, had told them where to find the attackers.

            Neither he, nor Poe had said a word since they had sat down here, each with a mug of steaming hot liquid in their hands. At least their feet were touching and that seemed to be enough for now. They were both tired and dead on their feet, but going to sleep was impossible. Sighing, Finn took a gulp of caff and as he turned to look at Poe, who appeared to be deep in thought, he reached over and grabbed his hand. What they shared had transformed over night, he knew, and only now was Finn able to fully understand what had been going on with Poe these last couple of years. Perhaps, he really should go and talk to Rey as soon as she got back. Perhaps, he really should work on what it was that had made it possible for him and Poe to communicate on an entirely different level. He felt like it had saved Poe in a way Finn wouldn’t have been able to do on his own.

            Poe squeezed his hand, but didn’t return his gaze. His eyes were still trained on the hangar. “Do you think they have enough holding cells for everyone back on that planet?”, Poe asked and Finn shrugged.

            “Not really, no, but I’ll be damned, if Clayn didn’t send for reinforcements. And from what Rey said all of Bendar’s ships have gone off to who knows where, so I guess most soldiers are gone anyway. There’ll be only a few of them left, plus all the officers and their… families?” Finn had to think of that little boy again.

            Nodding, Poe gave Finn’s hand a light squeeze. It was evident that he still had problems imagining Bendar with a family, but Finn really couldn’t help but admire Poe for his bravery in offering Bendar his hand. Of course nothing of what had happened in the past had been forgotten or forgiven, but they had at least admitted that neither of them had wanted things between them to be the way they were.

            “So,” Poe said and looked Finn directly in the eye. “Are we going home now and pretend that nothing has happened?”

            It took a while for Finn to formulate an answer. Of course going back and just forgetting about Bendar and this whole ordeal was next to impossible, but he knew what Poe meant. Did he want to continue with his life, or did he want to actually do something with what he had discovered these last couple of days? The very fact that Poe asked this question showed Finn how well what they had shared back in that cell had been received by Poe, who had always seemed kind of reserved on that subject.

            “Well…”, Finn began and looked down at their intertwined fingers on the perfectly clean grey table in front of them. “I guess I should have a chat with Rey about some stuff,” he admitted, before saying what had been lying on his chest for quite some time and which he had been unable to formulate even in his mind, “and I also think that we should check up on the people back on Birken Six, before we go home…”

            The light pressure Poe’s hand applied on his felt like a confirmation, but Poe didn’t say anything. The only response he made was a nod and a vague smile. Finn still wasn’t sure about finding his family, though he had this weird feeling that, if he had had family back on that planet, they were most likely already dead. But still… they had come all this way and after these couple of days it would have been a crime to not at least go and see if they could help the people on Birken Six, who at least at told the Republic where Bendar’s organization was situated, thus helping in the rescue of him and Poe.

            Poe was still smiling and raised himself up on his chair, as if he had seen something of particular interest. “There’s Bendar’s family by the looks of it.”

            Finn followed Poe’s gaze and saw the boy, walking off a shuttle next to an obviously pregnant woman and accompanied by the three Jedi. So they had indeed come here for the boy… Finn felt a shiver run down his spine as he thought of Bendar’s son becoming a Jedi. Of course he’d only become one, if he wanted to, but that didn’t mean that Morap Bendar didn’t have powers that could have been put to evil use by his father, had he known about them.

            “Who is that guy?” Poe asked, his brow furrowed. “The one with the funky hair in the dark robes? Do you know him?”

            “Yes,” Finn said finally and staring down at the man himself. “And so do you. Kind of. He’s General Organa’s son.”

            It took a moment for Poe to understand what he had said. As the coin dropped, Finn saw pure outrage spread over Poe’s face. “He’s what?!” he burst out, his eyes wide and he jumped up from his chair, staring down at the hangar and the five people retreating into one of the corridors. “You’re telling me that this guy is-“

            “Sh!” Finn raised his hands and looked around the cafeteria. There weren’t a lot of people here, but that didn’t mean that they couldn’t be overheard. “Yes, he is, and I don’t know the whole story. Could you please sit down? It’s supposed to be a secret.”

            Poe stared down at him for a whole minute, before slowly settling down in the chair again, a look on his face, which suggested that he was deeply offended by Finn keeping this a secret from him for all these years. But somehow it had never come up and Finn hadn’t thought that Poe needed to know what became of the Jedi, since Poe was most likely never to be in contact with them, except maybe Rey and she had always kept her silence. “I’m sorry I haven’t told you before,” Finn said quietly as Poe crossed his arms over his chest.

            “You better be…”, he murmured, still staring at the spot where Ren had vanished. Poe remained silent for a while and Finn let him be. “I thought he was dead…”

            Finn nodded. “Well, he isn’t.” He gave Poe another moment, before continuing, “I don’t know the whole story, but it had apparently something to do with Hux… it seems like Ren surrendered to General Organa at some point and from then on he was working with Rey and Skywalker on defeating Snoke. I’m not sure how they did it in the end, but they did and Hux and Ren have been living near Skywalker’s Jedi Academy since after the end of the war and Ren has become kind of a scout for Skywalker. Finding potential trainees and such…”

            Poe had gone white as a sheet at this revelation, and Finn half expected him to get up and leave him sitting here, but he didn’t and Finn was grateful for it, especially since he knew that Poe must be thinking about doing just that. “And no one thought this whole thing could be dangerous? Just trusting him with potential Jedi like this?”

            Finn shrugged. “I’m in no position to question Skywalker’s decisions, or General Organa’s, am I? I guess no one but Skywalker knows as much about how badly things can go wrong with Ren around, but that’s probably why Rey is with him every time they go and try to find someone Force-sensitive.”

            “Have you talked to him?”

            Finn felt the scar tissue on his back itch at the very thought. “No, I haven’t. Rey told me the basics some time ago, and I only saw him once, when Skywalker and Rey told me about this Force thing on their planet shortly after the war. He kept to the back of the room and just remained standing there, not saying a word. It was kind of creepy… I haven’t seen him since.”

            “And Hux?”

            Somehow this whole Hux thing felt less important to Finn. Hux had been in charge of the Stormtrooper training programme ever since his father’s death, but Finn had never had anything to do with the man, and to be honest he had never cared much about what had happened to him after the war had ended. In a way they had all been trapped in the same system during their entire lives and most hadn’t been able to turn their back on the Order the way Finn had. Bendar had kept on living by the rules of the First Order and so had a lot of others along with him by the looks of it, but Hux and Ren had at least stopped serving the Order at some point, though Finn had no idea when Armitage Hux had done so. The very fact that he had, seemed to count for something somehow though. “I haven’t seen him. No idea what he’s up to, but I guess Skywalker is keeping an eye out for him,” he admitted, “I guess he’s mostly harmless nowadays and I guess he hasn’t killed anyone these last couple of years…”

            Poe only smiled vaguely, but the tension in his shoulders appeared to have lessened somewhat.

 

 

As he had reached the control room, he had seen his mother delete the last of the data in the base’s main control room. Already he could see soldiers entering the complex and the screens of the surveillance cameras and his father walking outside the complex with Dameron and Finn. Just as he had reached his mother’s side, who was the only one left in the control room, one of their own soldiers had entered the room, holding one huge bag, and then left. His mother hadn’t said a word, not even when the two people in those peculiar robes had turned up. No one had spoken and the silence had felt suffocating and made this whole ordeal of waiting for the inevitable hard to bear. When finally, a third person, a woman of uncanny calm had joined them to accompany them to a shuttle and then to a very small, but more or less accommodating room, Morap had felt his sense of dread reach a level he had never known before. His father had been taken into custody, he knew. He hadn’t seen Embee, or anyone else on their way here, and the two men, especially the one with the dark hair and the scar on his face, was intimidating. Morap just kept the crystal clutched tightly in his hand and only just managed to refrain from taking his mother’s hand like a little child. These people were the enemy, he knew. The Republic’s soldiers they met on their way to the small living space, were of different species and Morap couldn’t help but remember what his father had told him about different species serving humans rather than working alongside them. What irritated him more than anything was that he didn’t seem to pick up any kind of hostility against himself from either human or non-human and that just didn’t feel right.

            “May I talk to you for a moment?” The man with the short dark hair and piercing blue eyes looked down at him with something like a smile.

            The honest answer would have been that Morap didn’t want to talk to either him or one of his companions. His father had been taken prisoner by them, they had forced them all to abandon their home, and the last thing Morap wanted to do was talk to the people who were destroying his life. But he also knew that he was in no position to argue or rebuff the request. Morap looked up at the man, who was clutching the bag, which he had searched upon arrival, and then at the tall man with the scar and lastly to the woman, who smiled down at him with a smile he hadn’t expected of her.

            “It’s okay, we’re not going to hurt you, or your mother.”

            Nataleeh scoffed, her arms folded across her chest and her eyes narrowed. “Of course not…”, she murmured and Morap knew exactly what she must be feeling. She had to be just as terrified as he was and especially worried about her husband and these three people here were just as threatening as any of the soldiers outside.

            “You are not wearing a uniform, unlike most people on that base down there on that planet, so I guess you are a civilian. That’s why you’re here and not in one of the holding cells,” the woman said, her voice a bit harsher now. “But we do not torture prisoners, if that’s what you’re worried about. Your leader is being questioned by General Clayn, and believe me that he will not hurt a single hair on his head.”

            Answering this explanation of events with silence, Nataleeh turned her back on the woman and Morap felt like joining her at the viewscreen showing the planet they had all lived on for so long, but of course he knew that talking to the three people couldn’t be avoided if they really actually wanted to do so.

            “He’s my father,” Morap said quietly and looked up at the man with the blue eyes. The scarred man just remained standing by the doorway, his eyes trained on Morap’s mother. Was he threatening her? Morap couldn’t tell, except that he didn’t exactly feel like either of the three of them was hostile towards either him or his mother. Not yet anyway.

            The man with the blue eyes, put the bag on the floor and raised his eyebrow. “And your name is…?”

            “Morap,” he said without raising his voice one bit. His mother looked at him over her shoulder and Morap couldn’t help but notice that her face was showing no emotion whatsoever. So she wasn’t going to help him.

            “Hello Morap. I’m Nej. Nej Antilles. I see you’re holding a crystal. May I ask where you got it?”

            Morap looked up at his mother again and as their eyes met, she shrugged, though for the flicker of a second he could see something like fear in her eyes. “They are Jedi, Morap. They are going to get the information from you whether you want them to know or not.”

            “That’s not how we do it!” The woman said, anger audibly reverberating in her voice. But she didn’t deny it! She didn’t deny that they were Jedi? Morap had heard of them in stories, had even read about them in a couple of historical records, but for some reason he had never thought he’d actually get to meet one of them! After all, they were supposed to be extinct and here there were three of them! He had never had a fully formed picture of a Jedi in his mind, had no idea whether they were portrayed as evil or heroic, but they had seemed fascinating to him for some strange reason.

            “You’re Jedi?!” Morap couldn’t help but blurt out in astonishment. “But-“

            Nej Antilles was still looking down at him, but not at all unfriendly. This mixture of fear Morap was feeling on behalf of his mother, father and even himself, and surprise and awe and meeting these legendary warriors was hard to grasp. His mouth felt horribly dry as he pressed the crystal very tightly to his chest in which his heart was racing like mad.

            “I’ll explain everything to you, if you let me. If you want, none of my friends is going to stay here in this room with your mom. Does that make you feel a bit more comfortable?”

            Morap shook his head and looked back at his mother, who turned around to face him, open conflict showing on her face. What she was thinking, Morap couldn’t tell, but he saw the treacherous sparkle in her eyes, which he had barely ever seen there. She nodded ever so slightly after a while.

            “But only if we all leave this room together and I can see the other two all the time,” Morap said and Nej nodded in agreement. The crystal in Morap’s hand was growing warmer and Morap was almost sure that his heart was most likely never to stop racing ever again.

 


	16. Birken Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty! This is where it ends! I'm going to upload the Epiligue straight away! Thanks for reading!!!

 

 

Poe was waiting for Finn in front of the small shuttle Clayn had provided them with, so they’d be able to get back to Chandrila without the _Liberty_ having to wait for them. Clayn was doing them a big favour by dropping out of hyperspace ahead of schedule to let them out. After their brief talk with the General, who had explained to them what was most likely going to happen to the prisoners, Poe and Finn had been led to a miniscule cabin, where they had both fallen into a dreamless sleep as soon as their heads had hit the pillows.

            Waking up in Finn’s arms and not feeling guilty about it or angry at himself for feeling guilty, had been a huge relief, but of course Poe didn’t even pretend to believe that the nightmares had ended forever or that he’d ever be free of missing Morap. Still, he had found a way to share with Finn that, which he hadn’t shared with him before and that made it all easier to bare. Maybe, over time, he’d actually be able to say those things aloud. To speak of Morap without remorse or guilt, because he knew and felt that Finn was neither angry or jealous, but showed more understanding and warmth than Poe thought he deserved. Still, he was more than willing to take both. In addition, he had the feeling that at least Morap’s brother would stay out of his nightmares from now on.

            Just knowing that, after all these years, he had triumphed over Bendar at least in some way, was a huge weight off his chest, which he hadn’t even realized had been sitting there. Whatever came next, whether Bendar would be sentenced to a lifetime in prison, or just a few years, didn’t matter exactly. Not right now anyway. Bendar’s family and followers would be questioned and sentenced accordingly, but Poe felt like somehow it wouldn’t affect his personal life, though he was sure that he was very likely to be worried about the people of Birken Six and everyone else Bendar and his people had hurt along the way about getting what they deserved: justice for their losses.

            Poe felt the ship shudder slightly under his feet and looked back to the corridor from which Finn should have emerged long ago. He’d hate for Clayn to be delayed because of them, but of course he also knew that Finn talking to Rey was really important to Finn. Poe still wasn’t sure exactly how he felt about Finn asking for Force training, but he knew and appreciated that it had been Finn’s ability to access the Force, which had saved him. He was fully aware that he would have lost his mind, had it not been for Finn and had Finn not had the Force, he may have lost Finn in the process as well. This connection they had shared had kept him sane and feeling safe in an environment which was far from safe and secure and Poe knew that Finn simply had to do something to be able to control this ability better. To be able to actually do good with it, because Poe knew that this was exactly what Finn would do with this gift, which he had supressed for so long, partly because of Poe.

            When Finn finally turned up, he wasn’t smiling exactly, but there was a certain briskness in his pace, which suggested a kind of purpose Poe hadn’t seen in Finn since the day of the Resistance. It wasn’t like Finn wasn’t passionate about his work, or anything else anymore, but right at this particular moment he looked as focused and determined as Poe hadn’t seen him in a while.

            “So, I take it the talk with Rey went well?” Poe asked, but instead of responding, Finn simply grabbed him by the waist, pulled him close and kissed him without giving a damn about who could see them or what they might think of this open show of affection on board a warship surrounded by military vessels and personnel. Just like he had back in the day every time, before either of them had left for a mission.

            Grinning widely, Poe ran his hands over hands over Finn’s arms and let them rest on the other’s cheeks. Finn’s skin was incredibly warm, almost hot from excitement and the way Finn deepened the kiss assured Poe that Finn’s conversation with Rey really had ended well. Completely out of breath and his heart pounding hin his chest, Poe pulled away and as he did so, he only barely caught the glimpse of sadness in Finn’s eyes.

            “What?” Poe asked, thumbs gently stroking Finn’s cheeks.

            Finn shrugged and Poe could almost see Finn’s lips forming the word “nothing”, but then Finn gave Poe a forced smile. “Rey said that rudimentary training is of course possible, just enough, so that I know what I’m doing. She’ll come and stay with us regularly, so I don’t have to abandon my job or anything, but…”

            Poe heaved a sigh of relief and then took Finn’s hand into his, grateful for the fact that Finn was talking about this matter now and also appreciating that Finn would not be thrown together with that maniac Kylo Ren in the near future. “But?”, he prompted, the same moment the _Liberty_ dropped out of hyperspace. They needed to get a move on, but right now he needed Finn’s answer more than anything else.

            Finn shrugged. “What if they’re all dead?”, he asked quietly and looked towards the shuttle Clayn had provided them with. The anxiety was clearly visible on Finn’s face now. Poe could only imagine what it might be like never knowing about one’s family and then, just before you had the chance of meeting them for the first time, no matter how willingly, there was this very likely possibility that none of them was left. The threat of going to a graveyard and not feeling anything but regret at never getting to know those you were visiting had to be suffocating.

            Poe gave Finn’s shoulder a light squeeze. “Let’s find out, shall we?” He didn’t even try to sound optimistic. He knew that the chances of finding Finn’s family had been slim from the start, but after that massacre it was very likely that even if they had been there, none of them had survived. He still didn’t know what to think of Bendar and what his plans with the settlement on Birken Six had been, but at the thought that he had sent those ships to at the very least intimidate the people there, he felt a giant lump rise in his throat. Bendar would have willingly sacrificed the people on that planet and bringing that to mind made Poe feel sick to the pit of his stomach. Whatever his personal relationship with Bendar might be because the memory of Morap wouldn’t let it be any different, it was highly unlikely that he’d ever be able to forgive and forget what Bendar had done to those people and who knew how many others. All records had been erased and destroyed from the base computer, Clayn had told them, so there wouldn’t be any proof or record about who else had been hurt and it was very unlikely that Bendar’s officers would talk. The way Bendar had talked to his son was such a stark contrast in comparison to what he had seen back on Birken Six that it was more than hard for Poe to figure out which Bendar he had shaken hands with.

            “Let’s find out…” Finn murmured and walked past Poe into the small shuttle. 

            Poe followed him after only a brief moment. He took a small moment taking in the standardized layout of the space craft they were on. As he had expected, it was clean and perfectly adequate to its task. The small passenger compartment would fit them both, but only just. At least they had a way off Birken Six, once this whole thing was over, he thought, as he walked past the miniscule and well disguised kitchen unit into the cockpit. Finn was already sitting in the co-pilot’s chair, staring out through the viewscreen. The comm light in front of him was flashing in bright green, signalling to them that someone was trying to reach them. As Poe pressed the button he wasn’t at all surprized to see that they had take-off clearance and were scheduled to leave within the next five minutes.

            Flashing another short look at Finn, Poe started the engines. Within seconds they shot out into space. Birken Six lay beneath them, its surface consisting mostly of a reddish landmass sprinkled with blue flecks of water here and there. How anyone could voluntarily live here had been a mystery to him since he had first looked it up before they had come here. Of course its natural resources could tempt a couple of people to go there to work, but to actually voluntarily _live_ on a planet such as this, was incomprehensible and from what he gathered the planet had been independent for the better part of the last forty years. Bendar’s involvement in Birken Six’ economic situation couldn’t reach back more than a couple of years. The First Order possibly going there from time to time to reap children for their army apparently hadn’t changed the people’s desire to live here either.

            Poe suppressed a shudder, as he steered the shuttle towards the settlement they had crashed in only a couple of days ago. So much had changed and yet the situation they had been in at this distance from the village had been very much the same they were in now. Both he and Finn were nervous about what they’d find down there or if they’d be able to even reach their goal. The _Pinn_ was a wreck now, Poe had known it the moment he had crashed into that building and he was glad, not for the first time, that Beeebee-Ate hadn’t been with them. According to Clayn the wreck was still on the planet, but of course there was no way of repairing it or getting it out of the way for them now. The Republic had no authority here and all they could do was to offer medical attention if the villagers let them help.

            As they approached the village, Poe could see the destruction both the laser fire from Bendar’s people and the _Pinn_ had caused to the buildings. What the situation concerning the people in that settlement was, was undiscernible from their position. Finn shifted uncomfortable in his seat and only the fact that he had to steer the ship towards a safe landing site kept Poe from putting his hand on Finn’s knee.

            Poe landed the ship softly on the outskirts of the village, next to the tents that had been set up by the Republic to help the injured and offer the homeless some shelter. The insignia of the Republic on the ship’s hull made sure that no one rushed off in a panic at the sight of another approaching ship and Poe was glad for it. Next to him, Finn heaved a heavy sigh and Poe could see Finn’s hand trembling. Without hesitation Poe took Finn’s hand in his and got up. “Come on, chief,” he said.

            Finn was looking at him, his eyes and mouth showing the insecurity he was feeling and to Poe it was like he was experiencing an echo of Finn’s insecurity in his very own soul, perceiving the rapid heartbeat and the horrible, lung shattering pain in his chest. Nodding, he pulled Finn to his feet. “I know, buddy,” he whispered. “Let’s do it anyway.”

            Poe had to fight down the urge to pull Finn closer and make him forget where they were and why for even a moment. Now was not the time. Finn needed to go out there and at least try to find out what he could. Poe was here to help him, not to distract him and he knew that Finn was fully aware of that and was counting on Poe. With a slight nod, Finn faced the cockpit door and started to make his way towards the loading ramp. Poe was right behind him and it was as if he himself could feel Finn’s fear reverberating through his entire being. The tremble within him was indistinguishable from his own nervousness, as Finn pushed the button and the ramp was lowered.

            This time Poe realized that the air wasn’t as hot as the red, dry earth would have suggested. Far from it: the temperatures here were only barely higher than they had been on Bendar’s base. Still, Poe breathed in the fresh air, smelling some strange minerals on it and he followed Finn out into the open. Doctors and helpers were walking from one tent to another. They were clearly distinguishable from the villagers by their light brown and grey uniforms and the fact that they didn’t look as forlorn as the people in their simple clothes staring at what was left of their home with hunched shoulders and tired looks on their faces even days after the attack had happened. As they walked towards the main tent, Poe could see that not nearly all the houses were destroyed, but what must have been the main storage buildings at least were nothing but rubble littering the roads.

            “Bendar did one hell of a job…”, he murmured, clenching his fists at his side.

            Finn nodded grimly. “I only hope they don’t let him get off easily.”

            “We’ll see…”, Poe murmured, pushing the thought of Bendar’s trial and the day he’d be asked to answer questions, far away from him. That was something he couldn’t think about right now, but he took the time to look at what he was seeing, before entering the biggest tent right after Finn. The destruction was clearly visible and it was only too obvious that not only a lot of lives had been lost here, but even more lives had been destroyed. Whatever Bendar’s demands on those people had been, they had obviously been harsh, but had managed to sustain this community in a way. The destruction of the most basic facilities had left this village crippled and it was only too likely that it would die out sooner rather than later, now that Bendar’s grip on it had loosened. Not for the first time in his life did Poe wonder how in the name of all that was good and fair, Morap had ended up such a lovable, soft and bright person, while his brother had become this monster, who was willing to burn everything in his path as long as doing so served his own personal goals.

            On entering the tent, he found that Finn had already started talking to one of the helpers, who, by the looks of her, was a medic.

            “We’re doing what we can, but of course we can’t really help them rebuilding what has been destroyed by the attack,” the female Arkanian was saying, as Poe stepped closer to two of them. “They do not qualify for that kind of aid, since this planet is not part of the New Republic.”

            Poe only barely suppressed an irritated eye roll. He had heard this line of arguing before, back in the day, when the New Republic had been on the verge of splitting into two factions. Back then things had been difficult, because the two parties of Centrists and Populists had been fighting over whether or not each Star System should be provided with more individual power and jurisdiction, or not. But then the war with the First Order had put the whole discussion on hold. After the war, Poe had retired to training younger pilots, but only now did it hit him, that the New Republic was still taking the same view on matters of the Galaxy apparently. As the white eyed Arkanian looked around the tent, at the dozens of individuals being treated, with this distant and almost arrogant look on her face Poe saw that the Republic didn’t seem to want to concern itself with things that by the look of it were out of its jurisdiction and it was as if a huge lump of ice had just slid down his throat and settled in the pit of his stomach. Of course he understood that it was a matter of jurisdiction whether or not the Republic could or should interfere in Star Systems that weren’t part of it, but that didn’t mean that the Republic should stop helping those in need! Apparently it was a matter of credits and credits only and whether or not enough systems approved of spending money where it wouldn’t be beneficial to them.

            “Well…”, Finn said, looking around and pushing up the sleeves of the shirt he was wearing. Poe could see something like real purpose gleaming in Finn’s eyes. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to help, where I can.”

            The Arkanian turned back to look at Finn, then at Poe again back at Finn. “General Clayn didn’t mention help,” she said, her white, pupilless eyes not betraying any emotion. “But of course we’d appreciate it. I believe at least Commander Dameron has some knowledge of basic medical care due to his service in the navy-“

            “Finn is the medic,” Poe interrupted her, unable to hold in the anger rising up in him at her words. “I’m no good with anything but bandages.”

            Finn gave him a barely visible wink. He didn’t seem to care that the Arkanian in front of him had no idea who he was apparently.

            She raised her eyebrows in surprise. “You are? I had no idea, Doctor-“

            “Dameron. Finn Dameron.”

            Poe flinched at the sound of his last name in combination with Finn’s name, which had been the only one the former Stormtrooper had ever used to this day. His heart swelled with pride at the name, but at the same time he couldn’t help but wonder why Finn had chosen this moment to declare his relationship to Poe to a total stranger. Maybe just being on this planet, where his family might be, made Finn want to prove to the universe that he didn’t need them. Just in case.

            The Arkanian nodded. “Very well then, Doctor Dameron, there is plenty to do for you. Let me show you where we’re keeping our equipment.” Turning away from them, she started walking towards the other end of the tent, past rows of people sleeping or talking quietly to each other.

            Finn and Poe exchanged only one look and Poe knew immediately that Finn _wanted_ to stay here and help where he could. That he considered it his duty and rightly so. Poe nodded, gave Finn’s hand a little squeeze and started backing away. “I’m going to find someone I can help as well,” he said quietly, noticing that some of Finn’s anxiety had left him. This was Finn’s job after all and helping out here in the infirmary might actually make finding out about his past a bit easier.

            “Alright…” Finn said. “I’ll see you around.”

            “See you around.” Winking, Poe turned around and on his way to the tent’s exit, he felt Finn’s eyes rest on him. None of the faces he could see looked even remotely familiar.

 

It had started raining a couple of hours ago, but Poe didn’t mind the icy droplets trickle down his face. He was sweating and his arms were aching from lifting and dragging rubble away from the house. It hadn’t taken him long to find somewhere he could be useful. The Kiffar with his dreadlocks tied at the back of his head so they wouldn’t fall into his damp face, had been grateful for Poe’s offer to help and together they had been busy clearing the road which led into the centre of the village so as to make access easier and Poe was relieved to be of some help at least. His hair was sticking to his forehead by now and he was already out of breath, but moving about and participating more actively in the rebuilding of this small society than the Republic itself felt good. Everyone who wasn’t injured was working hard to salvage what was left of their home and with every stone Poe picked up, he felt his anger and frustration with the Republic reach another level.

            Pushing his hands against his aching back, he looked in the direction of the tents. It was growing dark and the work at the road would have to stop soon. The Kiffar, going by the name of Vapiuna, stopped next to him and wiped his brow. “What is it you’re doing here exactly? I still don’t get it.” The dark red Qukuuf, the facial tattoos across the bridge of his nose, made him look like he was angry at Poe for being here, though his clear blue eyes told an entirely different story.

            “It’s a really long story,” Poe said, wishing for a hood he could pull over his head to keep the rain from falling on his face. But he really shouldn’t be complaining, he thought. He had a roof over his head waiting for him back home and a secure job, even if there had never really been a time he had resented working for the Republic more than he did just now for abandoning these people here.

            “You were here before, weren’t you?” Vapiuna looked him up and down. They had been working quietly alongside each other for quite some time now, but until now they hadn’t spoken more than a couple of words. “Your ship crashed in the town square.”

            Poe managed a feeble smile. “Sorry about that. We made a really bad impression there, didn’t we?”

            Vapiuna shrugged and put his hands on his hips. Looking around he heaved a heavy sigh. “We won’t get any more done here today. The sun sets quickly here.”

            With a nod, Poe ran one hand through his wet hair. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more,” he said and didn’t only mean the work at the road, but also his feeble attempt at fighting Bendar’s soldiers after their crash landing.

Vapiuna looked at him with a vague smile on his lips. “Don’t be,” he said. “We’ve been getting along on our own for quite some time now and we’re going to survive this as well.”

“How?” Poe couldn’t help himself but ask this question and he immediately realised that it was absolutely none of his business. “You could appeal to the New Republic.”

Shrugging, Vapiuna shook his head. “You know, if we wanted the Republic’s help, we’d be living _in_ the Republic. I guess most of us are going to try and find a way off this rock and make a new start now that this place is done for and business is about to shut down.”

Poe swallowed hard and nodded reluctantly. He hadn’t expected this answer. Not at all. “Your work for Bendar didn’t pay off too well, did it?”, he argued feebly, fully aware that Vapiuna wasn’t too impressed by his question.

“Bendar? That’s his name? People around here only call him the General, because that’s what his people call him.” He paused, apparently thinking the name over and allowing his eyes to roam over their surroundings. At the damaged buildings and broken homes. “Well, that’s what you get for working for a mobster. Everyone knew that could happen eventually when they decided to move here for whatever reason.”

Poe flinched. The word didn’t seem harsh enough to describe what Bendar had done here and on who knew how many other worlds and all of a sudden Poe felt like that might all Bendar could appear to be in the eyes of the Republic. He didn’t ask any more questions. The reason why anyone would want to move to this forsaken planet in the middle of nowhere and work for someone like Bendar or any other criminal willingly was none of his business either. The people here had apparently willingly decided to live on this rock and mine for Spice, probably because there had been no real alternative for them. What about Finn’s parents? They had fought in the Rebel Alliance back in the day… why had they come here? But then again, they may not have come here at all. Poe looked towards the tents just as Finn stepped out of the biggest one and Poe’s heart contracted painfully. Maybe all of this had been in vain after all.

“Do you even _have_ transports?” Poe asked, not meeting Vapiuna’s eyes, but keeping them focused on Finn instead, who was looking past Poe and Poe felt something unfamiliar creep up on him, just by staring at Finn standing there like an ice sculpture.

“Not a whole lot, but I guess most of us will be able to get away…” The “before the Republic arrives to shut us down” was implied and Poe shuddered at the thought that no one here would be available to speak up in court against Bendar. But that wasn’t his primary concern at the moment.

The sound of feet behind them made him turn around and he saw one of the paramedics, accompanied by a tall humanoid male with deep purple skin and black hair, rushing in their direction and only slowing down to walk more carefully over the path Poe and Vapiuna had managed to clear. Poe took a step backward to make way for the two of them and the hovering stretcher on which a very old woman was lying, her eyes fixed on the man, who was carrying a covered up, woven basket.

 _Come here…_ Poe flinched once more, as he heard Finn’s voice echoing through his head.  _I need you. Please._ Hesitantly Poe looked at Vapiuna. “I’ll be back later,” he said, fully aware that night would set very soon and he’d only be able to make true on his promise the next day at the earliest, but he didn’t pause to explain anything to the Kiffar, but made his way towards Finn, who was standing by the tent’s entrance through which the woman was being carried at this very moment.

“Do you know her?” Poe asked hoarsely, as he reached Finn, who immediately took hold of his hand.

“No.” Finn shook his head. “But… there’s something…”

Poe didn’t let go of Finn’s hand as they entered the tent and saw the Arkanian putting a set of blinds around the cot the old woman had been transferred to. “Finn, I talked to this Kiffar over there just now… I don’t think these people even want the Republic’s help.”

Finn nodded absentmindedly. “I know… it’s what I heard as well…” His eyes didn’t reveal what he was feeling, but Poe knew that Finn must know that his family had come here by choice and for a very good reason, which he desperately wanted to know. And that his family had come here after had become clear enough, at least to Finn, within the last couple of minutes. The way he stared at the woman revealed only too plainly that Finn had sensed something which Poe couldn’t and something seemed to have fallen into place for Finn. Letting go of Poe’s hand, he moved towards the cot, Poe right at his heels.

“Please, Zarin, let me…”, he murmured and at a look from him, the Arkanian retreated.

“You’re the doctor?” The man, who had brought the woman in asked, his voice desperate. Without another look from Finn, Poe stepped nearer and closed the blind behind him, so they’d had some privacy at least. The man put the basket he was carrying on the ground next to the cot. The woman had her eyes closed and she was breathing steadily, though she didn’t look well at all. Her lips looked way too dry and she was shivering violently. Still, Finn didn’t even attempt to touch her. Helping anyone at this point must feel like an impossible task.

“Yes…”, Finn said quietly, forcibly turning to look at the man. “What happened? Why are you only bringing her in now?”

The man sighed. “This is Alma,” he wiped his eyes. “Her granddaughter’s husband was the one who usually took the products to the General, but he didn’t return… we weren’t able to deliver the expected quota so…” He was rambling and, shaking his head, he focused his gaze back on the old woman lying there under a crisp white blanket. “When the attack started she was with her granddaughter. They were both wounded in the fight and yesterday Tessa went into labour… neither of them wanted to be taken here… apparently it’s a sacred family tradition that the baby had to be born in the family home…” He scoffed, apparently disgusted by the old woman’s sentimentality and willingness to risk her grandchild’s life like that. Poe felt a shiver run down his spine as he looked down at the basket, protected from the rain outside by a now soaked through blanket. “So she helped Tessa give birth and had no chance of saving her life…” The man’s voice had risen in unmistakeable anger and with trembling hands Poe knelt down next to the cot and pulled away the purple grey blanket to reveal a wrinkled but clean baby wrapped in numerous other blankets. “My wife kept insisting on moving them both sooner,” the man continued, his voice still angry but a lot quieter now, “But Alma wouldn’t hear of it… when she passed out I just … I ran over here to get help.”

Poe put the blanket on the ground, but didn’t dare lift the basket in case he woke up the baby. Not even a day old and already without a mother or a father… the very thought brought tears to his eyes, which he blinked away quickly, but his chest was hurting like it had barely ever done before. All of a sudden he had to think of his mother. Of the day she had died and what it had felt like to lose a parent, his father’s presence not being of any comfort or consolation in his darkest hour. Looking at the infant, sleeping happily in her basket, brought back the ripping pain tearing him in half.

Silence met the man’s words and nothing but emptiness seemed to resonate through this little inadequate room the Arkanian had provided them with. Poe didn’t get up off the ground, but stayed with the miserable orphan. He couldn’t bear leaving it there for even a moment. He raised his head however to look at Finn, who just kept staring down at the woman.

“Is there no one else left in her family?” Finn asked huskily and the man shook his head. At the same moment the woman stirred and Finn, who had been standing there next to the cot like a statue, sprang to life. “Th- thank you,” he stammered. “I’ll take it from here.”

The man nodded. “I’ll be outside… my brother is here as well.” And with that he left, shutting the blinds behind him.

“Finn…” Poe muttered, looking at his fiancé rather than at the woman or the baby. “This is-“

Finn nodded. “The women we saw when we arrived… the one who was hit by that blaster shot must have been her granddaughter.”

“Tessa…” Poe remembered Finn staring at the pregnant woman and the elderly woman, before being shot down himself and only now did he begin to grasp the full impact of what had happened here.

“What name to you go by?” A croaky, raspy voice said and, picking up the basket despite his misgivings, Poe got to his feet. The old woman, Alma, whose eyes were so much like Finn’s it hurt to look at them surrounded by deep wrinkles and silvery grey eyebrows hovering over them, was staring straight at Finn. It was clear to see that breathing alone was hard for her and she was so pale, her face looked grey.

 _Poe… is this really her?_ The fear reverberating in this strangely familiar voice was only too palpable. Finn’s warmth was receding with every heartbeat and Poe did his best to reassure him without really knowing how and even though he himself was scared out of his wits by the woman’s mere proximity. Not only did her eyes look so much like Finn’s that Poe almost felt like years and years had passed in an instant and he was staring down at his dying husband, but there was something else. Something more. And he knew that he himself was experiencing nothing, that it was Finn and only Finn, who was desperately trying to explore the woman’s strange and yet somehow eerily familiar energy.

As they clashed, Poe tried to pull back, a sudden jolt going through him, striking hard at his very soul with a searing pang of recognition. Recognition. That was it. Recognition of two pieces of one enormous puzzle which hadn’t been close for such a long time. And then flashes, images Poe hadn’t expected, were streaming down on him. Suffocating. Drowning him. They kept coming at such an incredible speed that none of them had even the slightest chance of sticking out. Colours. Smells. Shadows. Sensations. Only later on did he remember the last one. The most important one. The one of at least a dozen white clad soldiers entering a tiny room, ripping a screaming baby out of his mother’s arms. The baby didn’t even have a name yet. The sense of gut wrenching desperation this image transported stuck with Poe until an indescribable wave of relief washed over him and he knew that Finn was the one picking it up.

Finn’s jaw muscles were tense and Poe could see a vein pulsing in his temple. “Finn,” he said through clenched teeth. His very essence seemed to be streaming off him and Poe’s insides churned at the feeling of insecurity and fear draining him of the ability to swallow or even blink.

Alma nodded and gasped for air, but still Finn didn’t move. Poe knew why. He knew, like Finn did through some mystical, unexplainable thing Finn was sharing with him that there was nothing more to be done for the woman lying there in front of them. At a silent request Finn stretched out a hand towards the woman.

“Your father’s face, but your mother’s eyes. Tessa was their child as well… born after you were taken…”, she mumbled, her eyes fluttering.

“Where are they?” Finn whispered, his voice barely audible but his meaning carrying through the sticky air, which smelled of blood, sickness and rain.

The stare Alma gave him was more than Poe needed to see. The air seemed to have grown denser around him and, as if he could protect the little human being in his arms from what passed between the two people next to him, he pulled the basked closer to his chest. He was dripping with rain water, shivering from the chill, which had crept up on him and froze him to the very core of his being, but he clutched the basket to him as keeping it safe was the only thing that could keep this world in order. And then he realized that it wasn’t only him feeling this way, but also someone else but by now, Poe, his ears ringing, couldn’t tell who that person was.

Finn nodded, shaking all over.

It apparently took Alma a lot of effort to turn her head so she could look at Poe as well. “Show her to me…”, she asked softly and it took Poe a moment before he realized what she wanted from him. Pulling himself out of the trance his body had been subject to, he set the basket on a stool. The baby, a girl, going by what the woman had said, was still fast asleep, though her lips were moving in a sucking motion and before Poe knew it tears were burning painfully in his eyes again. It had been a long time since he had held a baby and even longer since he had lifted one up. He was shaking as he reached for the little creature, wrapped so tightly in her blankets. Taking care to hold her just the right way in the crook of his arm, he straightened himself up again, but didn’t dare wiping his eyes lest he dropped her.

“Is he yours?” Alma asked again, looking at Finn, who nodded without hesitation.

“He’s mine. I’m his… whatever.” He obviously wanted to make it sound like it was no big deal, but his voice was shaking as violently as Poe’s knees.

She nodded. “Good.” Her breathing had become even heavier and Poe could see her eyes flutter, as he turned towards her so that she could see the baby. “Mia…”, she said quietly. “Take her…”

Finn gasped, but didn’t say a word. Not a single sound escaped his lips as he stared down at the woman. The grandmother he had never known and there were bound to be so many questions, which would never be answered now.

Poe could see that she didn’t have the strength to say anything else. To plead. To ask the most vital of all questions. She was staring at Finn with an intensity he had never seen in anyone’s eyes and that alone must be enough to freeze Finn in place. Poe clutched the baby girl in his arms and, without thinking, he nodded. “We will,” he said, his voice unwavering and stronger than he would have thought it would be.

Their eyes met. Finn’s eyes, only old and covered by a light g

rey film Poe hadn’t noticed before. And then it was over. She was staring into nothingness and after one last, unbelievably slow intake of breath, she lay still.

The silence between them seemed to be stretching out, forming a barrier between them, but still Poe could feel everything that was going on inside Finn through this one invaluable link that had been established between them. The deep, endless quiet and numbness spreading through his limbs. The nothingness gaping in front of him and still there was this warmth, which had never left and never been gone. It was as if Poe was seeing the world through Finn’s eyes and it scared him more than anything.

All of a sudden, with a jerk, it all was gone. Finn looked him directly in the eye and there was an apology in those eyes. An apology which couldn’t be said out loud, but Poe saw it anyway. Shaking his head, Finn let go of his grandmother’s hand and made to turn away.

“Wait…” Poe mumbled, not sure whether or not he was even allowed to speak. He looked down at the dead woman and, pulling the baby even closer to his chest, he reached out to close her eyes. Her skin was still warm, almost burning from fever, but that would soon fade, he knew. When he looked up again he saw that Finn was gone.

The baby, Mia, still hadn’t opened her eyes, but Finn had the strange feeling that soon she’d look like Finn. His heart pumping wildly in his chest, he realized what he had done. What had happened. This little creature in his arms was relying on him now. This life, which wasn’t even a day old, had only two people left in this entire galaxy. The enormity of it all hit him like a mallet. But what else could he have done? What should he have said?

Breathing heavily, he backed away from the woman. A thousand thoughts were racing through his brain, but only one was standing out among them. As he stepped outside the little secluded area, his eyes searched the tent for Finn. He was sitting on a chair near the tent’s entrance and without hesitating, the baby still in his arms, Poe made his way towards him.

Reluctantly Finn looked up at him, his eyes wells of unfathomable depth. “I don’t know…” he said, but didn’t elaborate. He didn’t need to.

Without waiting for Finn’s reaction, Poe bent over and held out the baby so Finn had to take her.

Finn’s lips were forming a tight line as he looked down at the miniscule life form. “Poe…”, he whispered, his voice thick with emotion.

“We can’t leave her here…”, Poe said firmly and shaking all over. He didn’t know if it was just the cold from his wet clothes or the added emotional rollercoaster he was on.

Finn nodded, though he seemed reluctant. “I didn’t want it to be like this,” he said quietly. “Neither did you.”

Poe sat down on the ground. The cover that had been put up under the tent kept away the dampness and most of the cold, but he was still shivering as he put one hand on Finn’s knee. “She needs us.”

Finn, still holding his niece in his arms, turned his head to look out at the ruins, which were already being swallowed up by darkness.

 


	17. Epilogue

**A/N:** May I just add that before you start reading you might want to check out the last chapter since they are both being uploaded at the same time? Enjoy!!

 

** Epilogue **

 

It was raining again. Sitting in the small alcove at the window, Poe watched little Mia’s face as she stared at the water droplets sliding down the window, her tiny hands holding on tightly to Kes’ arm. Her dark brown eyes seemed huge in that little face and her slightly parted lips and the obvious trust she had placed in her adopted grandfather ever since he had arrived about three months ago, made Poe grin. Mia and Kes had been inseparable from the time they had first laid eyes on each other, when Poe and Finn had gone to Yavin 4. It had been Finn’s first weekend off after they had returned from Birken Six and a long time before they had even fully realized what had happened to them. All three of them had taken some time getting used to one another, especially Finn, who had never had an infant as a constant in his life. Poe himself had been more than insecure with handling Mia himself, though he’d had at least some experience holding babies. Changing them and preparing formula were both new to him and he had begged the one medic on Birken Six also trained in child care to show him all he needed to know, while Finn had been busy with the injured. Somehow, it had fallen to Poe to care for Mia from the start and he had never complained or regretted it even for a moment. After he had learned the basics, things had become easier, though the child’s fate was still gnawing away at him. For a couple of hours, he had expected someone from Mia’s family to turn up and take her with them, but no one had come. No one but him and Finn seemed to even care. No one but them was even concerned about the little orphan and it had made staying on Birken Six almost unbearable to Poe. These people had been a community and yet they voluntarily gave up one of their own, a helpless baby, to the care of strangers. No. If they _had_ only given Mia to Poe or Finn… but they hadn’t even asked why they were taking the baby to their shuttle to familiarize themselves with the whole idea of being parents… because that was exactly what they had become the moment Alma had died.

            Staying on Birken Six, that forsaken planet in the middle of nowhere, had been painful for the both of them, especially the mass funeral they had attended two days after the death of Finn’s grandmother. Watching the flames envelop the thirty or so bodies, knowing that two of them were of Finn’s family, had broken Poe’s heart all over again. At this point a lot of people had found one way or other off Birken Six and everyone who had been treated by the Republic’s medics had been cleared for transport if they wished to get away. Only three families had decided to stay on Birken Six, probably hoping to rebuild part of the mining operation, but not saying that out loud. Poe didn’t have much hope for their success or their survival, since the next smuggler ring was probably only waiting to set up another operation on that planet in case the Republic didn’t show any interest in it.

            Poe and Finn had only been able to take one couple to a space station near Sullust, where the two women wanted to settle down, though they were unwilling to talk about any further plans. Seeing the community break apart like that, with only a few people showing any sign of distress at this, still made Poe squirm with unease today. Even six months later, he couldn’t bear to think of all that had been lost and how little those people had cared. They hadn’t been able to keep tabs on anyone. Their passengers and everyone else they had talked to had made it perfectly clear that they didn’t want to have anything to do either with the Republic or Poe and Finn for that matter.

            When they had finally arrived back on Chandrila, Poe had reached out to his old contacts from his time with the Resistance to inform them of the refugee’s situation and what he and Finn had encountered during their trip, but since not one of the refugees could be found or had expressed any desire to live in the Republic, their attempts to get them to speak up in court against Bendar or any of his followers, had proven to be futile.

After that Poe had taken to caring for Mia and Mia alone. Now he had only one week of scheduled parental leave left until he had to start taking Mia to the day-care centre before going back to work every day. These last couple of months hadn’t been easy exactly. At first he had thought that half a year was plenty of time to spend taking care and getting to know a baby, though today he thought back with a grin to the knowing smile on his commanding officer’s face, when Poe had requested his leave. Half a year, he knew now, wasn’t nearly enough. Not even remotely. Especially when parenthood had come as a bit of a shock to both parents and none of them were prepared for it even in the slightest. The first couple of nights Poe hadn’t been able to sleep properly for fear of not waking up when Mia needed him or Finn. They had both known that taking care of a baby meant a lot of work and responsibility, of course, but it had been Poe who had volunteered to shoulder most of that straight away since Finn had not even started work at the medcenter when they had gotten home and was more reserved with Mia than Poe was anyway. The first reason had been the one they had talked about openly. The other had been obvious and in a way understandable to Poe, who had never even started discussing it. The fact that Finn simply couldn’t afford to go on leave was as good an official reason as any, while Poe was not only perfectly entitled to parental leave, but had had also no desire of going back to working for the Republic at that point in time. They were both fed up with the system they had fought so hard for, losing many friends in the process. The events on Birken Six in connection with the diplomatic upheaval that had followed and the ensuing inability of the Republic’s justice system to do anything about Bendar’s followers had been hard to watch. Back in the day, Poe would have spoken up against this nonsense, but nowadays he felt tired. Way too tired to even concern himself with political matters.

Bendar’s family, his wife and two sons, were here on Chandrila in one of the many cities, though their exact whereabouts were unknown to both Poe and Finn. At least Meelan Bendar had been put on trial, while most of his followers had been set free, since, thanks to absent evidence, they hadn’t committed any crime in the Republic, or against any of its citizens. Bendar alone was being held responsible for anything he had done.

A couple of weeks ago Poe and Finn had been asked to give evidence concerning Bendar and they had done it without hesitation. Poe had been asked by Bendar’s lawyer to tell the jury to retell the story of when he had been Bendar’s prisoner over ten years before and how Bendar had helped him escape the First Order. Poe had been honest and told things exactly as they had been, but he was afraid that what he had said might be weighed in Bendar’s favour and reduce his sentence. Still Poe hadn’t followed up on the trial, which was nothing but a game of charades in Poe’s eyes, since the press, undoubtedly thanks to some contacts Bendar had high up in the Republic’s senate, was keeping weirdly quiet about it. He would have expected this trial to come up more often in the media than it did, but still he had of course heard what had been going on in court and which sentence was most likely to be passed today and it made him angry beyond reason. The feeling that this whole thing was being hushed up was infuriating and the fact that not a lot of people seemed to even care about the First Order officer on trial, such a long time after the war had ended, was depressing. Staying far away from the holo and watching Mia interact with his father was the only thing that could keep his mind off the rage slowly eating away at him.

His father had joined them three months ago to pay them a short visit for their wedding, as he had said, but it had only been too obvious that Kes Dameron had come to stay, even if he insisted on going back to Yavin 4 every other day, he never made preparations to leave and Poe could see him struggle to get up the courage to ask him if he could stay after all. His father’s condition had worsened considerably and that too had been hard to watch. Kes Dameron, who had always been full of energy and focused on his daily tasks, had become tired. He didn’t seem to be in pain, but it was obvious that he was growing weaker by the day and that there was nothing to be done. Somehow, over the last couple of weeks, Poe had begun to accept his father’s fate. He was going to lose him too. The only thing that made watching the process bearable was seeing Mia on his father’s lap and he was grateful that his father had the chance to meet his grandchild. Because that was exactly what she was, or rather, what she had become. Mia had started out as someone being flung into his and Finn’s arms, a stranger they somehow had to help survive, but over time, as Poe had watched her grow and thrive, she had become more. She was his daughter now. His and Finn’s child and though it still tore him apart thinking of the family she had lost; he was grateful for having her in his life. And his father, who had been just as surprised at this new addition to the family, hadn’t even taken as long to accept her as his grandchild and Mia had done what nothing had been able to achieve before. Finn and Kes were getting along better now than ever before and Kes even let Finn help him occasionally, whereas Poe still wasn’t allowed to do any more than prepare his father’s meals.

Kes was more or less chained to his repulsor chair and needed a medical droid’s assistance in almost each and every task, since he was never willing to accept Poe’s help and Finn wasn’t home a lot of the time. He slept most day, only getting up for a couple of hours each day and already his eyelids were drooping again, but he was solely focused on Mia and keeping her on his lap, so Poe let him be for now. Leaning back against the window, Poe had to admit that despite everything, his father looked younger with Mia on his lap. Seeing the two of them together made him almost forget that his father’s hands were shaking and had been doing so for the last couple of days.

“I’m glad I got the chance to meet her,” Kes said, not for the first time and Poe nodded, unable to return his father’s smile now. The way Kes had said it reminded Poe of what the doctor had said the week before. That is father didn’t have a whole lot oftime left and the only reason he wasn’t in pain was the fact that he simply wasn’t able to experience the pain anymore. Poe even doubted whether his father could actually feel Mia’s warmth or just the pressure of her body weight and her tiny hands.

“Me too,” Poe answered and hesitantly reached out to touch his father’s arm. “Stay with us.” It was obvious by now that Kes didn’t have a whole lot of choice anyhow, but actually asking his father to stay meant that he wanted him here with them. Permanently. To take care of him as well as Mia. And he also knew what that entailed.

Kes looked for a moment like he wanted to shake his head and Poe knew exactly why. Kes wanted to die in the same house as his wife, wanted to be in the same room and feel her presence.  But his eyes told an entirely different story. Kes Dameron was helpless. As helpless as he had never been in his life and that was scary to him. Asking his son for help was just as frightening. “I’ll think about it,” Kes mumbled, his eyes on the lake which the house overlooked and which was growing darker as night set in. Soon it wouldn’t be visible anymore. Soon it would be as if it had never been there. As if this entire house was surrounded by nothing at all. “I think I’m going to bed,” he said and Poe didn’t hesitate to pick up his daughter, whose face showed only too plainly that she didn’t want to be transferred to anyone else’s lap. Not even Poe’s.

“Alright. Do you need help?” As usual his father shook his head, but he was smiling now. “Good night. You too, Mia.”

Mia was watching her grandfather retreat and Poe pulled her closer to his chest. Looking at the chronometer on the wall told him that it was high time for Mia to get her last bottle of the day and only half an hour before Finn got home from work. He could hear the medical droid following his father into the guest room, which had been meant for Kes from the start and was going to be his for the rest of his life. Poe shuddered thinking about the time when that day would come, which was probably not that far away by the looks of it. He buried his nose in Mia’s jet black curls and breathed in the soft and sweet smell. “You’re doing a great job with grandpa, Mia Shara Dameron,” he whispered and, getting up, carried her with him to the kitchen unit.

Preparing Mia’s formula had become routine. So routine in fact, that he barely registered what he was doing anymore and was able to prepare it even in a sleep deprived state. Today he was listening for the sounds coming from Kes’ bedroom and thinking about the time to come. When the door to Kes’ room opened and shut again, he knew that, as usual, Kes had sent out the medical droid as usual. It was only too obvious that their plans for the foreseeable future had changed, and the most incredible thing about that was probably that Poe wasn’t at all concerned about it. The only thing that worried him was the emotional turmoil it would throw him in and he was grateful for having both Mia and Finn at his side to be there for him when the worst day came.

Mia was wriggling in his arms, making sounds that only too vividly expressed her displeasure of being kept away from sustenance. “I know, Beanie-baby… hang on a sec…” The bottle was ready and he took it with him to the alcove where they had sat before. As usual night had set in fast and he couldn’t really see out the window. As usual at this time of day, Beebee-Ate was already waiting for them in his usual spot by the seat where Poe sat down with Mia almost every night. “You helping me again, buddy?” Poe asked and at the affirmative beeping he couldn’t help but laugh. “Alright, you know what to do.” Settling down with both Mia in his arm and the bottle took quite a bit of concentration and balance, so he held out the bottle for Beebee-Ate to hold and sat down with Mia.

Mia didn’t take her eyes off either the droid or the bottle, as Poe leaned up against the window, put his leg up on the seat and settled Mia down for her supper. On cue Beebee-Ate stuck out the gripper arm holding the bottle and started humming in a soft, low binary melody, which made Poe smile months and months after he had heard it first. It was strangely touching that an astromech droid knew how to recreate a melody. When Poe had first heard it the very day they had returned from Birken Six, exhausted and fed up with everything but Mia, Poe had started crying and shaking uncontrollably at the sound of it. Only Beebee-Ate stopping abruptly and Finn’s presence had managed to calm him down. The tune Beebee-Ate was humming (there didn’t seem to be another word for what the droid was doing) had been Morap’s favourite song and with tears streaming down his face, Poe had asked the droid to start over, while Finn was holding Mia, feeding her. Somehow, Beebee-Ate had stored that melody on his hard drive to dig it up just at this moment of reunion and Poe had felt like he was falling apart the first couple of times he heard it. Poe had gotten used to it, and he appreciated Morap being there with them in some way. He knew it was stupid, but it made Poe feel like Morap approved of Poe’s new life and Finn didn’t mind the music at all. On the contrary. Whenever he was present for Mia’s supper, he insisted on Beebee-Ate playing that music and he always was very observant of Poe’s reactions, but never pressured him to talk about it. Just Finn being there, looking out for him, was enough for Poe.

As Mia drank, her hands slowly reached out to the bottle and held on to it. Her warmth, in combination with Beebee’s light melody, made Poe sleepy himself and he almost jumped, when he heard the front door open. Seconds later Finn walked in, looking tired but calm. He stood there for a moment, just looking at them sitting there. Poe returned his gaze, transfixed. And then a sudden shift seemed to go through Finn and he smiled slightly and a sudden wave of warmth rushed over Poe. Rey had been here over the weekend to help Finn get used to his powers. It had been nice to watch them getting along again and to see how Finn had started to learn how to improve and control his powers, while settling in at his new job and life at the same time. The first time Rey had come here, had been for the wedding ceremony three months ago with Kes and a week after the wedding Rey had started helping out Finn. The strange healing powers Finn had displayed back on Bendar’s ship hadn’t shown themselves again, but according to Rey an untrained Force user sometimes acted out on impulse, not really knowing what he was doing. Maybe, just maybe, those strange powers might return to Finn one day.

Poe helped Mia get the bottle out of her mouth, so she could let out a short sound of pleasure at seeing Finn. “Hey, you guys!”, Finn said, letting his bag slide off his shoulder and bending over to kiss first Mia and then Poe. Beebee-Ate had stopped humming but gently nudged Finn to sit down as well, so the feeding could resume. The droid had become increasingly protective of Mia and he was the one making sure her feeding and sleeping schedule was kept.

“When are you getting rid of that horrible beard, Poe? It’s scratchy!”

“Good evening, breadwinner,” Poe said smiling, as Finn sat down next to him and reached out a hand to help Mia get back at the bottle. Shaving hadn’t been Poe’s number one priority when Mia had joined their family and by now he had grown used to and even rather fond of the short beard. Finn however complained on a regular basis. “How was your day?”

Finn’s face darkened slightly. “Work was fine…”, he said, as Beebee-Ate picked up the melody again. “Did you hear about Bendar?”

Poe stiffened. Of course he had expected Finn to bring the news home, but for a few precious minutes he had been able to forget all about it. Shaking his head, he looked down at Mia in his arms and held the bottle for her, though she was doing her best holding it up herself. “Tell me.”

“He got ten years.”

Poe’s throat was parched all of a sudden and he had to force himself to look up and face Finn, whose eyes told him that he was feeling the same. “Fine…” Poe muttered, fighting down searing hot anger. “Fine…” He pressed his lips together and took a deep breath. Ten years… that wasn’t nearly enough for what Bendar had done to the people on Birken Six or to those countless prisoners he had tortured in the name of the First Order. But of course he should have expected this to happen. Bendar had only been charged with what he had done to Poe and Finn six months before and since he had given them up willingly, ten years was more than Poe could have hoped for. But still… Finn’s presence surrounded him. Warm and comforting, but he knew that Finn was angry as well.

Nodding, Poe heaved a heavy sigh. “Fine.” Saying it for the third time felt like a full stop. A full stop finishing a long chapter of his life. “I quit.”

Finn raised an eyebrow and Poe looked down at Mia again, who was happily sucking the formula out of the bottle. Beebee-Ate had fallen silent again. “You what?”, Finn asked and Poe shook his head.

“I’m retiring.” He had been toying with the idea for quite some time now and he felt like now was the time to take some action. Even if action meant stepping down. “I won’t continue serving a government, which I can’t support… that doesn’t mean I want to fight it or anything, I believe in the Republic’s ideas and I know they have the potential to better themselves, but right now… I can’t do it anymore Finn.” He swallowed, pausing to find the right words and Finn didn’t interrupt his thought process. “I’m old enough. I have every right to retire and I’ll be getting almost full pay. More than I am getting now, I expect. Plus, I have Mia here and my father… I couldn’t go back to work as it is anyway.” He shuddered, thinking of the enormity of his decision, but his gut feeling had never been wrong and right now it was telling him that leaving military service was the right thing to do.

Finn was silent for a moment, though that silence didn’t diminish Poe’s feeling that Finn understood perfectly well what saying those things meant to him. “Okay…”, Finn said after a while, putting a hand on Poe’s knee. “I don’t want to hear any complaints from you though.” He wasn’t looking at Poe anymore, but at the droid sitting at Poe’s feet. Laughing, but still dreading what the future was holding for him and his heart light at the same time, Poe put his free hand on Finn’s.

 

** THE END **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where do I even start? Thank you for reading this! Thanks for sticking with us! Every reader made us want to work more! We are currently working on the third part, but that may take a while to upload on here. Stay tuned! I'm going to announce the third chapter of Unknown Limits on my tumblr sourlander and probably also on my instagram and twitter (both chrizzy0789)
> 
> Thanks to flausengut for reading this thing even though you weren't into Stormpilot in the beginning. From what I heard you enjoyed reading this and I really loved the voice messages you sent me telling me where I put a comma before "that". It was a really nice game of hide and seek. Thank you so much for helping me/us out!
> 
> Thanks to WeirdBlanche for reading everything I throw at you!
> 
> And THANKS (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) to my friend AuroraLynne who did the most amazing drawings to keep me going! You managed to make me cry almost every time you sent one over! They mean the world to me and if you could see my room, you'd know that I don't only enjoy your drawings digitally! They are everywhere!! I'm so glad we're working on this thing together!

**Author's Note:**

> I'd also like to thank my friends Caro and to Goodnplentyofpuns for proofreading this thing and also to my friend Rachel (Zoe_Dameron) whom I keep busy with my story "The Pilot" ;) THANK YOU, GUYS!


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